Thursday, March 30, 2006

Freed Hostage Jill Carroll Looking Forward To Family, Rest, Reflection, Book Deal

After three months held hostage by Iraqi insurgents, American journalist Jill Carroll says she can't wait to see her family, take a long vacation and spend some time reflecting on her experience. "That and the biggest mother-rocking book deal you ever saw," Carroll told reporters as she left Baghdad. "Oprah's gonna eat this one alive!"
Carroll, a correspondent for the Christian Science Monitor, said she spent her time in captivity praying, trying to reason with her captors and "wondering if HarperCollins or Random House will pay a bigger advance."
Carroll added, "Hey I wasn't out there looking to get kidnapped, but since it happened, can't take it back ... what the hell. I get rich, the terrorists get their story told, the publisher cleans up, everybody wins."

Friday, March 17, 2006

State Department Names Sharon Stone Ambassador To World's Idiots

After a press conference in Israel in which she spoke of people wanting to see her "boobies" in an upcoming film, actress Sharon Stone has been tapped by the State Department to be its official ambassador to the world's idiots.
"This is a crucially important post," said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. "She will be our voice to an increasingly large portion of the world."
Stone, 48, was at the Peres Center for Peace last week in Tel Aviv when she told reporters that her views on the Middle East didn't seem as important to many people as whether she appeared nude in "Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction," the sequel to her breakthrough role.
"People are just sitting there going, like, 'I don't care what she's saying. I don't care what she's saying. I just want to know is she getting naked? Is she getting naked in that movie? Is she naked? Nude? Nude? Naked? Do I see her boobies?'" the actress told reporters. "The answer is: yes."
After the conference Shimon Peres, the Israeli political leader and 80-year-old candidate for prime minister who invited Stone, took several minutes to stand up from his seat, leaving only after everyone else had gone.
Stone was later quoted saying "I'll kiss just about anyone for peace," which reportedly prompted numerous calls to her agent from North Korea's Kim Jong Il, Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Syria's Bashar Assad and former US president Bill Clinton.
Following Stone's performance in Israel, the White House and State Department immediately saw an opening for Stone to be their emissary to drooling letches, morons and idiots around the world.
Stone's publicist said she will consider accepting the job after a promotional tour for the film and "getting her boobies done."

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Destitute Of The World Cheer News Of Possible Water On Saturn Moon

The world's poor, hungry, homeless and fatally ill cheered nearly in unison last week when NASA announced that a space probe has uncovered strong evidence that water exists on Enceladus, a moon of Saturn.
"I can't freaking believe it," said Tadzik Karema, whose home in Bandar Aceh was destroyed by the massive Asian tsunami in December, 2004. "Do you know what this means? Water is the basis of life. Of course, you know, we had a bit too much of it over here, but that's another story."
Imru Haili of Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, heard the news while searching for animal carcasses to feed his family. "For real?" he asked. "Water on Enceladus? Wow. Now if only there was some clean drinking water around here."
Haili added that the news was so exciting it almost made him forget that for the cost of that NASA space probe "you could feed my entire village for the next 300 years."
Felicia Wilson, who is in the end stages of lung cancer, removed her oxygen mask when told of the news at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Hospital in Manhattan and said: "I may not live long enough to hear the next report about that space probe, but I'll go to my grave with the hope that even if cancer won't be cured any time in the near future, we will have answers about the possibility of microscopic marine bacteria on Enceladus."

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

"Rent" Showtune Stuck In Calif. Man's Head For Past 8 Months

Philip K. Rothberger of Laguna Beach, California hasn't seen the Broadway show "Rent," nor the film adaption. Nor has he purchased or even listened to the soundtrack.
But Rothberger, 31, a retail sales manager, has been unable to stop humming "Seasons of Love," the production's signature production number since hearing it in a commercial eight months ago. To make matters worse, Rothberger hardly knows any of the lyrics.
"I know its 525,000 something ... something ... something," said Rothberger. "Then they repeat that a few times and its 525,000 something else. It's really aggravating."
Rothberger has tried everything from listening repeatedly to Led Zeplin albums to hypnosis, but is unable to shake the tune, composed by the late Jonathan Larson. I think I've hummed it, well, like 525,000 times. It's a really catchy tune.
Still, Rothberger says he has no interest in seeing the play or movie or buying the soundtrack. "I really don't like musicals so much," he said.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Hate Group's Web Site Not So User-Friendly

When Jack L. Cullen of Biscayne, Florida, recently stumbled across a Web site for "Purify America," a leading hate group, he found much of the content interesting, and wanted to share it with friends who don't have Internet access.
But after numerous clicks, he was unable to locate the familiar icon to make the articles "printer-friendly."
"The pages kept coming out with the words going over the margins," complained Cullen, 33, who admits to being bigoted against just about everyone. It was therefore impossible to produce ledgible printouts of such articles "Seal Our Borders Now" and "Nuke Them All."
"It was almost like no one gave any thought at all to making a visit to their site an enjoyable and informative visit," said Cullen. "Don't they care about having their site bookmarked and referred to other people? I don't think I'd forward this link to anyone."
Michel R. Peters of, an expert on Internet hate sites, says that a majority of them don't take the time to make their pages easier to use. "The more racist, sexist, homophobic or xenophobic you are, the less likely you are to care if you are user-friendly," he said.
Cullen said he was unable to find the familiar "Contact Us" icon to address his complaints. "It ruined the whole experience of Internet hate for me," he said. "It's just sad."

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Bush Announces Nuclear Proliferation Act

In a surprise announcement during his visit to Pakistan today, President Bush unveiled a plan to arm every country on the planet with nuclear weapons by 2010.
The Worldwide Nuclear Proliferation Treaty would ensure that no nation used a weapon of mass destruction on an enemy for fear of retalliation.
"We've given non-proliferation a shot," said the president at a press conference. "Now it's time to think outside the box. We not only give up trying to stop Iran from building the bomb, we give it to them. North Korea, too. Then we look em in the eye and say 'G'head, make my day.' "
The president then offered to take questions, but the reporters just sat and stared at him blanky.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Internet Seen Lowering Attention Spans

A new survey found that people who regularly use the Internet are more likely to suffer from shortened attention sp

Networks Compete To Have Someone Else Broadcast '08 Olympics

After reviewing the ratings for the Winter Olympic Games in Turin, the major networks each began a fierce competition ensure that someone else will broadcast the 08 games in Beijing.
More people tuned in to see "American Idol," "Desperate Housewives" and an infomercial for Craftmatic adjustable beds than watched the Turin games. Not only were the ratings low, but a survey by the Nielson group of people who don't have TVs showed that a majority said they wouldn't watch the games if they had one.
NBC, which broadcast the games this year, has reportedly offered ABC $25 million to broadcast the 08 games. Fox, meanwhile, has announced a new slate of programming to air during the 08 games, tentatively titled "Not The Olympics."

Bush Creates Approval Ratings Deficit

President Bush's approval rating has sunk so low that the next two people elected to the White House will take office with negative poll ratings, analysts announced Wednesday.
"He's the first president with an approval deficit," said Larry J. Lundsberger of the Carlson Institute for Public Policy. "That means he's used up so much political capital, he has to borrow from his next two successors. We may be feeling this for decades to come."
Lundsberger cited the rapidly deteriorating situation in Iraq and the controversy over a deal to turn over management of major ports to a foreign company as key factors in driving the poll numbers into the basement. "Having your vice president shooting folks doesn't help matters much, either," he added.