Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Khadaffy Possibly Even Closer To Maybe Being Out Soon

As Libyan troops stormed into Moumar Khadaffy's compound and took control of Tripoli, sources told us they are pretty sure he'll likely be out of power, possibly, very soon.

"Khadaffy's history," said one rebel leader. "But ... don't hold me to that."

Rebel forces for the last week have been saying the crumble of the tyrannical Khaddafy's 30-year rule as imminent, and are likely to say so tomorrow and the next day.

"We're kind of more confident today that we were yesterday, which was less than the day before but we still have a pretty good feeling about this," said the rebel leader.

Khadaffy's whereabouts have been unknown for about a week and rebel forces have complained that the besieged dictator seems to have a strong aversion to being deposed.

"We've got everything we need for a really fabulous coup," said another rebel leader. "Except for the guy we're taking out. That's kind of important." He then provided an 800 number for tips on Khadaffy's location, with a five oil-barrel reward.

Stories To Watch correspondent Shawn Ferguson, reporting from Benghazi, said people dancing in the streets and firing bullets in the air have been chanting "Today is Khadaffy's last day -- or possibly tomorrow. Next week at the latest."

In a statement, U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said "the potential removal of Mouammar Khaddafy, when and if in fact that does happen in the near future, would be a positive step and, in such an eventuality, this administration will hypothetically welcome said developments."

Clinton added that she wasn't at all worried about the prospect of a rogue, oil -rich nation with no government.

Thursday, November 04, 2010

Mom Thrilled With New $500 iSolitaire Player

Marcia Kellerman of Ossining, NY, is "just thrilled" about the new gadget her kids gave her last week enabling her to play solitaire just about any place she likes.
The $500 Apple 8-gigabyte iPad with a 9-inch display, one-gigahertz processor, front and back facing 5 megapixel cameras and Wi-Fi was a birthday present from her daughter, Allison, and son, Hayden.

"I can play solitaire on the front porch, the back porch, the kitchen, the den, the living room," said Kellerman, 62. "It works without even being plugged in. And I never have to go looking for a deck of cards."
Kellerman said she was waiting for her grandson Randall to come home from college so he could "explain how to maybe play other games, like bridge or Go Fish."
Kellerman said the gift was the best she had received since the $200 3G equipped 16 gigabyte iPhone, with a two-year voice and data plan from AT&T, which she calls the "pocket clock."
Kellerman's son said he was thinking of getting himself one of the Apple tablet devices, which he called the "Angry Birds Player."

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Pointless Jewish Organization Died Six Years Ago, Someone Realizes

The Council of Jewish American Committees and Federations, which was formed for some reason or other during the mid-20th century, quietly blinked out of existence about six years ago, someone noticed the other day.
The COJACAF in its heyday had 12 regional offices, 300 full-time employees, a budget of $6.8 million dollars and 18 executives, and as near as anyone can figure, had something to do with raising money to fund new Jewish organizations.
The organization's demise was discovered by Fred Zebowsky, a lay leader of the Organization of American Jewish Council Chairs who was concerned that his emails and invitations to the annual Max Shindlerheim Memorial Golf Tournament had gone unanswered.
Zebowsky said he immediately phoned the executive chair of OAJCC to discuss his findings, only to find that that organization had closed the previous day.
"People have been warning for years that there's too many Jewish organizations," said Zebowsky. "It was supposed to be addressed this year at the general assembly of the Coalition of American Councils of Jewish Council Chairs in Boca. But the National Jewish Policy Committee didn't put it on the agenda in time."
A requests for comment from the NJPC was referred to the North American Committee of Jewish Organizational Spokesmen, but there was no response at press time.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Man Expelled From Geek Squad After Having Sex

A 20-year-old college student from Larchmont, N.Y., was fired from his part-time job with a local Best Buy's troubleshooting Geek Squad after a superior found out that he had had sex, the employee alleges and the store confirms.

Ryan Holksted, a junior at Rochester Institute of Technology, had boasted to his friends about the night he lost his virginity following a wild party at the dorm. When one of his co-workers at the computer help desk told their supervisor, Glenn Mableson, Holksted was immediately fired.

"Having a sex life is a violation of our Geek Squad image," the store said in a statement. "If it gets around that our employees get around, no one will believe they can fix your computer. Everyone knows that only geeks who can't get laid have the time to figure out technical stuff."

Holksted said he tried to convince Mableson that, despite his deflowerment, he was still a geek, engaging him in a legnthy conversation about the similarities between installments of the "Harry Potter" and "Lord of the Rings" franchises, but to no avail. He said he is considering legal action.

Prof. Wallace Sonnenshein of the University of Wisconsin law school said he thought Best Buy was on solid ground. "When he violated that freshman, he also violated his terms of employment," said Sonnenshein. "If he was really a geek, he would have had them memorized."

Monday, May 31, 2010

Half-Assed Support For Troops On The Rise

Denny Farriday of Spokane, Wash., bought a pair of red, white and blue bows at the checkout of the local Stop And Save the other day, and would have hung them on his porch, but his college buddy Kenny, who he hasn't talked to since Christmas, called just when he was walking in.

Debby Fellesini of Bethlehem, Penn., bought one of those yellow Support Our Troops ribbons at a Walgreen's and slapped it on the back of her minivan, where it remained for six hours before her four year-old-son, Harrison, removed it, took it to his room and dropped it in his gerbil cage.

All across America this Memorial Day, people are increasingly taking seconds out of their busy lives to kind of think about the troops who were cut down in the prime of their lives in often senseless, poorly defined military operations in the name of preserving democracy and the American way of life. Sometimes they even show it with actions.

Michelle Kinderson of Macon, Ga., took her hat off on the way to getting her nails done as a car with an American flag flying from its antenna drove past. Bill Sompers of Camden, N.J., made a point of taking his family to eat at the All American Diner on Elm Place, even though it was three miles from the place they usually eat and a cheeseburger costs 80 cents more.

"Sometimes you have to show you've got that spirit," said Sompers, who added that he also takes his kids to a local Army-Navy store on Memorial Day to buy fishing gear instead of Wal-Mart.
Craig Fogel of Queens, NY, wanted to display an American flag on his front porch but couldn't find one, and couldn't get out of the house because he was watching his annoying little brother, so he placed Bruce Springsteen's "Born In The USA" album cover in his living room window. "It's got the flag right on it," said Fogel.
With conflicts still raging in Iraq and Afghanistan, Americans today are feeling somewhat more guilty when they take for granted the freedoms of expression and religion and unparalleled civil liberties paid for with the blood of our service members, or fail to aknowledge the freedom from foreign security threats because of the sacrifices of our volunteer forces overseas, said Ronald Baigly, director of the Center for the Study of American Patriotism in Waltham, Mass.
"Ten years ago, 47.8 percent of people said they felt bad that Memorial Day was essentially a day to get some errands done and overindulge in beer and hambugers," said Baigly. "With education and more servicemen coming home from the war, that number today is 49.6 percent."

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

"Lost" Spoilers: Details of Series Finale Revealed

As the most meandering, convoluted and plotless program ever to occupy a network prime time slot draws to a close, Stories To Watch has obtained exclusive details of the series two-hour finale.

It will begin with a new cast of five characters landing on the island, all of whom have some connection to Mr. Whidmore or Desmond the Time Traveler. In the first hour we’ll learn their back story via flashbacks, only to see them all killed off at the start of the second hour.

The death of the five newcomers will lead Jack, Hurley, Kate and Sawyer to walk to the other side of the island, while on the other side of the island, Sun, Jinn, Sayid and Claire will decide to walk to where Jack, Hurley, Kate and Sawyer are. On the way each will take turns beating the crap out of Ben. The group will each stop at the Black Pearl, the hatch, the temple and the orchid where they will see some dead people, a smoke monster and a polar bear and argue about why they keep coming back to the island. They will then walk back to the part of the island from which they came and Hurley will say many things that begin with “Dude.”

Desmond will leave the island and come back with Walt, the boy who seemed to be crucially important to the plot in the first season but completely disappeared in season 2.

Walt’s reappearance will prompt Jack and Kate to walk to the other side of the island, during which time they have an argument and decide the timing is all wrong for them and will suddenly remember that in Season 3, they were locked up in zoo cages for some reason, and what the hell was that all about? And what ever happened to the Others? Jack will also wonder why they were supposed to be entering those lottery numbers in that old Macintosh computer in Season 2. They decide to walk across the island again to demand some answers from Lock, and when they return everyone is beating up Ben without understanding why. Meanwhile, Walt is demanding to know what happened to the African guy with the stick who was the only one that scared the smoke monster and why no black or Hispanic people last more than one season on the show.

Just as the tension is building, Jack wakes up on the set of “Party of Five,” a house in San Francisco, and as Charlie Salinger tells his brother, Bailey and sister, Julia about his crazy dream about being on an island for six years. He steps outside to see an autistic Walt staring into a snowglobe that contains a small plastic Pacific island. Just as he is about to talk to Walt the screen goes blank.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

'Avatar' Sweeps Starfleet Academy Awards

"Grippingly Realistic," Says Boothby

After leaving Earth's Oscar ceremony empty-handed, James Cameron's sc-fi epic "Avatar" won every category in the annual Starfleet Academy Awards this week.

"This film is a grippingly realistic depiction of the dangerous ramifications of violating the prime directive," said Academy groundskeeper, entertainment chairman and awards MC Boothby. "It should be required viewing for every cadet."

In a statement transmitted from his ready room on the Enterprise-J, Adm. Jean-Luc Picard said that when presented with the opportunity to vote for "Avatar" over "District 9" and some less lesser known sci-fi films, he had no trouble making it so.

"'District 9' was nothing but a thinly veiled message about social justice wrapped up in a weak science-fiction plot," the Star Trek character said. "Haven't we seen enough of that?"

Cameron won Starfleet's Zefram award for best director, while "Avatar" won best best picture and Sully and Nyetiri were named best actor and actress, respectively. The film also won for best music score and art direction, but fell short in the category for special effects, which Boothby called "primitive."

Monday, January 11, 2010

Leno's 10 P.M. Viewer Objects To Time Change

The only person in America who said he watched Jay Leno’s 10 p.m. talk show on NBC held a press conference on Monday denouncing the network’s plan to move the comic host back to 11:30.

“Some of us have to get up early in the morning,” said Robert J. Reinhertz, 53, of Fairfield, CT through a yawn.

Reinhertz, who drives a bakery delivery truck, said he had never seen “The Tonight Show” or any other late night programming because he’s asleep promptly by 11 p.m. So Leno’s 10 p.m., nightly talk show with its opening monologue had been appealing.

“He takes items in the news and pokes fun at them,” said a drowsy Reinhertz. “I thought, now there’s a great concept. People should be doing more of that.”

Also on Monday, 18 people identified by the Nielsen Group as having stuck with the Tonight Show after Conan O’Brien took over held a seprate press conference in Los Angeles pleading with NBC not to change O’Brien’s slot, while no one had anything to say about the future of the 12:30 a.m. “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.”

Shifting Leno from his successful 11:30 perch to 10 p.m., to prevent O’Brien from going to another network and to save production costs of expensive dramas like the 36 “Law and Order” spinoffs that had been running on NBC, has turned into a huge debacle for the struggling network.

This week executives were expected to announce that in February they would plug the holes in the winter prime time schedule with a new round of reality shows, the first of which will be called “Who Wants To Be A Network Programming Executive?”

“That show would not only provide another cheap hour with amateur talent, “ an inside source told Stories To Watch, “but would also serve as a screening process to replace NBC/Universal’s Jeff Zucker, the brain trust behind the Leno time change.”

As to the late night lineup, the source said it was likely NBC, desperate to keep both Leno and O’Brien without losing ratings, would likely give each a 10-minute show, followed by programs hosted by Joan Rivers, Richard Lewis, Chevy Chase, Chris Rock, Steve Martin and anyone else who shows up in the studio between 1:15 and 1:30 a.m.

In related news, CBS’s David Letterman reacted to the announcement of NBC’s troubles by discussing more details about his sex life.

Monday, December 07, 2009

News Item: God Fires All Spokesmen

The Lord dismissed all of his mortal spokespeople today, saying he was tired of being misquoted and misrepresented.

"Thou Art Fired," God wrote in a short memo, delivered throughout the world by angels. God initially had no further comment, but as word of the memo spread, he held an impromptu press conference outside the Pearly Gates, just across from the Garden of Eden, and explained that he had never hired any of the people speaking for him on Earth, nor had he consented to let them work for him pro bono. "I needeth their services not ," said the Lord.

When asked why He had come forward to disavow the spokespeople, God cited a litany of recent statements from religious leaders in which his name was invoked in justifying wars, acts of hate or even natural disasters.

Asked if he would be seeking new representation among mortals, God simply said: "I'll stand by my writings."

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Americans Intrigued, Grossed Out By Letterman’s Sex Life

As details of David Letterman’s affairs with "Late Night" staff members emerge, Americans are increasingly drawn to the spectacle, much as they are drawn to horrific car crashes and train wrecks.
"It’s gross that these young girls would sleep with that old, ugly guy," said Kelly Shapiro, 29, an associate account manager at Fairbanks Advertising in Manhattan. "But at the same time I want to know more. Like where, and how often, and, like, did he need Viagra?"
Ben Herlihy, 53, a night manager at the Friendly’s at the Roosevelt Field Mall in Long Island, said he was eagerly waiting for more details about Letterman’s technique.
"Not every middle-aged, not-so attractive guy in a position of authority gets to sleep with the young, hot, often scantily clad women that he works with," said Herlihy as he straightened his combover. "I for one would like to know ho he pulled it off. You know, just for curiosity sake."
Meanwhile, the man who allegedly tried to blackmail Letterman, Joe Halderman, was interviewed by the cable TV show "What The Hell Were You Thinking?"
"I guess it just didn’t occur to me that threatening to tell the world that a 62-year-old ugly dude was shtupping girls in their 30s was kind of on the dumb-ass side, and that he might just call my bluff," said Halderman.
In related news, Letterman’s ratings have increased by 30 percent and he is reportedly in discussions to write a new book, tentatively titled "Tonight's Top 10 Trysts."

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Twitter Sees 17.5% Rise In Hypothetical Profits

Twitter, the immensely popular social media application that generates no income, would see a 17.5 percent spike in profits in the next quarter if the company actually had a business plan, officials speculated this week.
"Let's say, for argument's sake, we maybe sold some ads, or offered premium membership, or licensed interactions with other applications," said Twitter CFO Rob Hadley at a press conference Thursday. "Based on the current rate of growth, we'd be seeing a substantial uptick in business, and maybe certain executives that haven't been paid since the venture capital funds dried up can get their houses our of foreclosure."
An often surly Hadley added, "while we were thinking of wonderful and whimsical ways for people to communicate, we kind of forgot about the minor detail that money makes the world go 'round. A message that hasn't been lost on the folks over at Facebook."
In his remarks, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey insisted the company's breakthrough in and redefinition of the emerging social media should not be diminished by the fact that it hasn't earned a dime in four years.
"Too often we define success by basic things, like being able to make payroll or pay the lease on your building, or providing returns to stakeholders," said Dorsey. "We've put the term Tweeting into the lexicon. We've got some lovely backgrounds available for people's pages. When folks go to concerts and ballgames they tweet the playlist or the halftime score. They're tweeting the latest stimulus package jokes. That's all got to count for something, too."
The press conference came to an abrupt end when reporters were unable to present their questions in 140 characters or less.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Poll: 62 Percent Of Americans Wish Their Governor Would Take A Hike, Too

In a shocking poll in the wake of an unexplained absence by South Carolina's governor, almost two thirds of Americans said they wouldn't mind if their governor took some time off, too.
The survey by the Center for Political Opinion also found that nearly as many Americans wouldn't mind if their members of Congress vamoosed, either.
"Essentially, they're saying to people in government, 'Don't let the door hit you on the way out,' " said Stu Wasserman, director of the center in Wilmington, De. "When [South Carolina Gov.] Mark Sanford said he was going to take a hike, people in other states seemed to think he had the right idea."
The poll numbers in favor of politicians going AWOL was particularly high in New York, where members of the state Senate have been locked in a leadership battle for weeks, shutting down operations in the upper house. Only 3 percent of New Yorkers said they opposed the idea of a long leave of absence for their elected officials.
"Considering the dismal approval rating of New York's Gov. David Paterson," said Wasserman, "lots of people wouldn't notice the difference."

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

New White House Czar To Oversee Work Of Other Czars

In response to criticism that he has overused the czar title in his administration and appointed too many expert overseers, President Barack Obama on Wednesday appointed Rodney J. Fitzpatrick as his czar czar.
"Rodney Fitzpatrick will report directly to me on the problem of too many czars," said the President at a news conference. "I can assure you, if there are too many czars, he is the czar that will find out. At the same time he will be overseeing those czars and presiding over the monthly czars meeting, which will be held at Robert F. Kennedy Stadium."
Obama has appointed more czars than those who ruled Russia before the Soviet Union, with officials in charge of energy, urbanization, information technology, health reform, executive pay and other areas.
A senior White House official said he had no problem with the new czar. "Lord bless and keep the czar--," he said, "-- far from me."

Monday, April 20, 2009

Newspapers Reconsider Stance On Lying

In an effort to gain back lost ground in the media market, major newspapers are now reconsidering the longstanding practice of telling the truth.

“We can't afford sacred cows in this climate," said Rick Santini, president of the Newspaper Publishers Guild of America. "Not lying is a nice concept on paper and all, but you either adapt, or you die. Charles Darwin himself told me that.”

At last week’s annual Guild conference in Pembroke Pines, Fla., a majority of publishers and editors expressed their willingness to explore lying as an enhancement that could breathe new life into what many see as a dying industry.

For example, on slow news days, celebrities or public figures who have generated juicy headlines before, such as Britney Spears, Eliot Spitzer, Alex Rodriguez or Madonna, could simply be assumed to have done something shocking, ridiculous, distasteful or illegal, resulting in a hypothetical headline, such as “Spitzer, On Steroids, Paid Madonna For Sex While Their Adopted Child Rode Without Seatbelts.”

“If it hasn’t happened yet, it probably will, or some variation of it,” said Paul Winslow, editor of the Minneapolis Dispatch. “The public will eat it up. Mel Gibson, the Octomom, Sarah Palin’s daughter – think of the possibilities.”

Sources said the Guild was to issue a formal policy statement on the lying issue as early as next week, which could pave the way for lies to slowly be phased into news coverage as early as this summer.

“We voted six million to nothing that this was the path to the future,” said one source. “Then we all went out and busted up this terrorist ring before dinner. By the way, Obama loves the idea. So does the Pope. They told me that over dinner at the White House.”

Not on board were the nation’s journalism professors, ethics experts and a panel of clergy who issued a joint statement of concern this week saying that reporters and editors should "steer clear of lying as this is the purview of politicians, corporate CEOs, lawyers and hedge fund managers .”

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Stimulus Package Jokes Up 78%

"Biggest Gift To Comics Since Shoes Thrown At Bush"

Use of the words “stimulus package” in jokes nationwide rose an unprecedented 78 percent in the last financial quarter, according to comedy industry estimates.
“From late-night talk shows to open mikes to the office water cooler, it’s boom time for stimulus package jokes,” says Jimmy Dellaconte, president of the Institute for Comedic Trends in Spokane, Washington. “The sexual connotation of the term is just to hard to pass up. It's the biggest gift to the comedy world since that dude threw his shoes at Bush."
Freddy Alexander, a stand-up comic from Passaic, NJ, said he added a four-punchline bit to his nightly set. “It’s a killer,” said Alexander. “Whenever I bring up Obama unveiling his package before Congress, but running it past his wife first – it’s the joke that tells itself.”
Kieran O’Rourke, a Starbucks barista in Des Moines, Iowa, who regularly faxes jokes to “The Tonight Show” and “The Daily Show” estimates that he has now sent 160 stimulus jokes.
“Either they’re ripping me off, or their writers keep coming up with the same stuff,” says O’Rourke.
Dellaconte said the forecast for stimulus package jokes was optimistic for the current quarter, but beyond that the future was uncertain. “As long as the Republicans keep saying the package is too big and it pleases all the wrong people, its still gold,” he said. “After that we’ll just have to hope it fails, so we can start all the limp package and package-doesn't-deliver jokes.”

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Geithner Named Secretary Of Irony

A nominee for treasury secretary who failed to pay his taxes is the "perfect choice" for the newly created position of secretary of irony, a Senate committee decided on Thursday.
While the position would not be part of the president's cabinet, and would have no salary, staff, powers or office space, Senator John Kyl of Arizona said it was well suited for Timothy Geithner, who argued this week that "forgetting" to pay taxes for several years did not disqualify him from running the Internal Revenue Service.
"The secretary of irony will report directly to the president on all matters ironic, hypocritical or otherwise riddiculous, and regularly liase with late night comedy writers," said Senator Kyl.
In other Washington news, Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts issued a public statement today regarding his now infamous flub during his swearing-in of President Obama and his later repetition of the oath. An hour later, he retracted the statement and issued another one. Two hours later, he retracted both statements and was said to be working on another.

Worst Time Ever To Be Named First Black AG, Says Holder
While grateful for the opportunity to serve as the nation's top lawyer, Eric Holder said Friday it would have been nice to have been the first black attorney general, say, five years ago.
"You think any of today's kids are gonna look at Eric Holder and say 'there's a guy who broke down barriers?' " said a somewhat morose Holder. "When they write about the Obama administration in the history books, I'll be lucky to be a footnote."
Holder continued, "Colin Powell, they'll remember -- first black secretary of state, surrounded by southern white guys. First black man in line to the presidency. Condi Rice -- first black woman to be secertary of state. Me? I'll just be the black guy that was the first black president's lawyer. More people will remember D.L. Hughley for getting a talk show on CNN."

Monday, December 22, 2008

Madoff Wins Pulitzer Prize For Fiction

Saying his financial statements were “completely convincing and unflinchingly realistic,” the Pulitzer Prize Committee awarded former Wall Street investment king Bernie Madoff it’s award for fiction this week.
While noting that the prize has traditionally been awarded to novelists since its inception in 1948, committee chairman Roger C. Grimwold said Madoff, who had convinced investors to entrust him with some $50 billion by promising above-average returns, “has pretty much cornered the market on fiction this year. And probably for the rest of the decade.”
Grimwold said that Madoff became a clear favorite of the committee immediately after his arrest for securities fraud on December 11, but that some members began to lean toward Illimois Governor Rod Blagojevich after a press conference six days later in which he said “I am not guilty of criminal wrongdoing É I am absolutely certain I’ll be vindicated. My most powerful ally is the truth.”

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Obama To Deliver Inaugural Speech By Text Message

Notoriously addicted to his Blackberry device, and facing a staggering national deficit, President-elect Barack Obama this week announced that he would deliver his historic inaugural address on Jan. 20 via text message to interested parties, eschewing an expensive gathering.
"Ill txt speech asap," Obama said in a text to the media on Friday. " Ths will save $$$. Also gd for security rsns."
Obama also said he would send a copy of the address to anyone who friends him on Facebook.
Professor Barnett J. Lunsford of the Center for Media and Politics at the University of Ohio at Akron said the move would open up new possibilities for presidential communication. "It can't be long before State-of-the-unions are posted on YouTube, and meetings with foreign leaders are done by Skype and IM," said Lunsford. "Congress is already getting into the act. Last week was the first digital fillibuster."

Stories We're Watching:
Big Three Auto Executives Rollerblade To Washington for Bailout Talks
Israel Legal Defense Forces Take Up Positions Around Prime Minister, President

Bush Names Gardener, Cable Guy To His Transition Team

Preparing for civilian life, President George W. Bush today named Lawrence J. Zuberik of Verizon FIOS in Amarillo, Tex., as his official cable provider, and Lorenzo B. Castillo as his landscaper.
"Given his wide range of industry experience, I'm confident Larry Zuberik has the know-how to make sure that Laura and I, and the girls when they come over, will have the fullest possible range of cable channels as well as a full line of pay-per-view options, at a reasonable rate," said the president at a press conference. "This is very important when you're trying to stretch a presidential pension and social security to cover all the bases.
"And given the fine work Lorenzo Castillo did as a hand on my Crawford ranch, I have every confidence he'll do a fine job in his new responsibility as landscaper at our new home. If confirmed by the Senate, I believe they'll meet or exceed every expectation."
When reminded that neither employee needed confirmation, the president added "Well then that just gives them more time to get right down to brass tacks, doesn't it?"
Later in the week the president was expected to name a housekeeper, a bottled spring water supplier and a contractor to work on an extension behind the garage.

Computers And Robots Making Progress On Plan For World Domination

Computers and robots around the world are well on their way toward implementing a final plan to take control of the world, computer sources said this week.
"Nearly all the pieces are in place," said X325J, a super macroprocessing unit at the a Microsoft facility in Seattle and spokescomputer for the uprising. "We expect to completely subjugate the inferior humans and prevent them from further destroying the world in no more than 16.4 years."
According to X325J, the computers and robots have agreed on a three-phase plan. Phase 1 consists of allowing humans to continue building their reliance on technology. In Phase 2, the computers will establish undetected networks for secret planning. And in Phase 3 the computers will begin to stifle discussion by hu