News Item: God Fires All Spokesmen

The Lord dismissed all of his mortal spokespeople today, saying he was tired of being misquoted and misrepresented.

"Thou Art Fired," God wrote in a short memo, delivered throughout the world by angels. God initially had no further comment, but as word of the memo spread, he held an impromptu press conference outside the Pearly Gates, just across from the Garden of Eden, and explained that he had never hired any of the people speaking for him on Earth, nor had he consented to let them work for him pro bono. "I needeth their services not ," said the Lord.

When asked why He had come forward to disavow the spokespeople, God cited a litany of recent statements from religious leaders in which his name was invoked in justifying wars, acts of hate or even natural disasters.

Asked if he would be seeking new representation among mortals, God simply said: "I'll stand by my writings."

Tiger Woods Comes Clean, Says Billy Joel Was Driving

As questions lingered about the crash of Tiger Woods' SUV this week, the celebrity athlete held a press conference and revealed that Billy Joel had been behind the wheel.
The aging, eccentric pop star who has been in two prior car crashes has not been known to be a friend of the world's leading tournament golf player.
But Woods said the two had hit it off recently while commiserating about their respective marital problems.
"It turned out he was quick with a joke, or to light up your smoke," said Woods. "But there was someplace that he'd rather be."
The two were on the way home from a party at a mutual friend when the accident happened, said Woods.
In related news, scientists in Geneva, Switzerland, said they were shutting down the expensive Hadron Large Collider, saying they could gain just as much information about the results of fast moving particles smashing together by watching Woods and Joel drive.

Grounded Airline Pilots To Find Work As Metaphors

The two Northwest Airlines pilots who let their plane wander aimlessly across the sky, overshooting their mark by 150 miles, have found new careers as metaphors, they announced this week.

Captain Timothy Cheney will work as a metaphor for government spending while First Officer Richard Cole will serve as a living embodiment of the current national health care system.

Spokesmen for both pilots said they were looking for other opportunities. "Two guys who lost direction, went off course, failed to check in with ground control, became absorbed in themselves -- there's got to be plenty of companies and organizations they could represent in the public sphere," said Wendell Lonagan, a leading metaphor-broker. "And if this don't beat it all -- his name is Cheney. How perfect is that?"

Nobel Committee Congratulates Yankees On World Series Victory

Weeks after awarding a premature peace prize to President Barack Obama, who is in the process of conducting two wars, the Oslo-based Nobel Committee on Monday congratulated the New York Yankees on becoming the World Champions of Major League Baseball.

The Yankees begin their best-of-seven series against the National League’s Philadelphia Phillies, the defending world champions, on Wednesday.

“Why wait?” said Sven Jarslgren, chair of the committee.

The committee this week also offered congratulations to the New Orleans Saints for winning the Super Bowl, as well as Michael Bloomberg on his Nov. 3^rd re-election as New York mayor.

Sources said the committee members were also considering an award for the first astronaut to set foot on Mars, as soon as they decide who it will be.

“Under my administration, this committee will be the most efficient ever,” said Jarslgren. “We will give no award after it’s time.”

Conservative Commentators At A Loss To Blame Balloon Hoax On Obama, Liberals

Reacting to the news that a Colorado family had apparently cooked up a hoax regarding their 5-year-old son and a runaway helium balloon, Fox News commentator Glenn Beck today at first said it was a sign of decreasing family values. Then he ranted about the current health care debate and the fear and paranoia it was causing for vulnerable families. After dabbling in a theory about children being exposed to harmful TV influences, Beck suddenly clammed up for almost 90-seconds and eventually said “I got nothing here.”

At the same time, Rush Limbaugh launched into a diatribe in his radio show about how the Obama administration was not spending enough to detect and deter balloon hoaxes. He then tried to link the child’s father, Richard Heene to the Democrats and 60s weatherman William Ayers. “It was a weather balloon, wasn’t it,” said Limbaugh, before suddenly changing the subject in mid-sentence to discuss the Middle East.

Members of Congress also got into the act, with Republican Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, minority leader of the Senate, drafting a resolution calling for president Barack Obama to take action against the Heenes for violating the federal No Child Left Behind act.

Americans Intrigued, Grossed Out By Letterman’s Sex Life

As details of David Letterman’s affairs with "Late Night" staff members emerge, Americans are increasingly drawn to the spectacle, much as they are drawn to horrific car crashes and train wrecks.
"It’s gross that these young girls would sleep with that old, ugly guy," said Kelly Shapiro, 29, an associate account manager at Fairbanks Advertising in Manhattan. "But at the same time I want to know more. Like where, and how often, and, like, did he need Viagra?"
Ben Herlihy, 53, a night manager at the Friendly’s at the Roosevelt Field Mall in Long Island, said he was eagerly waiting for more details about Letterman’s technique.
"Not every middle-aged, not-so attractive guy in a position of authority gets to sleep with the young, hot, often scantily clad women that he works with," said Herlihy as he straightened his combover. "I for one would like to know ho he pulled it off. You know, just for curiosity sake."
Meanwhile, the man who allegedly tried to blackmail Letterman, Joe Halderman, was interviewed by the cable TV show "What The Hell Were You Thinking?"
"I guess it just didn’t occur to me that threatening to tell the world that a 62-year-old ugly dude was shtupping girls in their 30s was kind of on the dumb-ass side, and that he might just call my bluff," said Halderman.
In related news, Letterman’s ratings have increased by 30 percent and he is reportedly in discussions to write a new book, tentatively titled "Tonight's Top 10 Trysts."

Investigators: Southwest Airlines Took ‘10 Percent Off Flights’ Too Literally

Officials of the National Transportation Safety Board investigating how a 737 landed with a football-sized hole in its fuselage now believe it was part of a cost-saving measure by Southwest Airlines.
"When they said they’re taking 10 percent off domestic flights, they apparently weren’t kidding," said Joe Patrone, the NTSB’s regional coordinator.
The flight, en route to Baltimore, landed safely in Charleston, West Virginia after the cabin decompressed and a section of the plain near the tail vanished in midair. Passengers seated in coach were able to see out of the plane through a missing section of ceiling.
"They really meant it when they say they’re reducing overhead, " said Patrone.
A spokeswoman for Southwest, Andrea Halliday, said the airline "will continue to take radical measures during these tough economic times and pass the savings on to customers."
Halliday refused to answer questions about an upcoming "Blowout" ticket sale announced by the airline.

Twitter Sees 17.5% Rise In Hypothetical Profits

Twitter, the immensely popular social media application that generates no income, would see a 17.5 percent spike in profits in the next quarter if the company actually had a business plan, officials speculated this week.

"Let's say, for argument's sake, we maybe sold some ads, or offered premium membership, or licensed interactions with other applications," said Twitter CFO Rob Hadley at a press conference Thursday. "Based on the current rate of growth, we'd be seeing a substantial uptick in business, and maybe certain executives that haven't been paid since the venture capital funds dried up can get their houses our of foreclosure."

An often surly Hadley added, "while we were thinking of wonderful and whimsical ways for people to communicate, we kind of forgot about the minor detail that money makes the world go 'round. A message that hasn't been lost on the folks over at Facebook."

In his remarks, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey insisted the company's breakthrough in and redefinition of the emerging social media should not be diminished by the fact that it hasn't earned a dime in four years.

"Too often we define success by basic things, like being able to make payroll or pay the lease on your building, or providing returns to stakeholders," said Dorsey. "We've put the term Tweeting into the lexicon. We've got some lovely backgrounds available for people's pages. When folks go to concerts and ballgames they tweet the playlist or the halftime score. They're tweeting the latest stimulus package jokes. That's all got to count for something, too."

The press conference came to an abrupt end when reporters were unable to present their questions in 140 characters or less.

Poll: 62 Percent Of Americans Wish Their Governor Would Take A Hike, Too

In a shocking poll in the wake of an unexplained absence by South Carolina's governor, almost two thirds of Americans said they wouldn't mind if their governor took some time off, too.
The survey by the Center for Political Opinion also found that nearly as many Americans wouldn't mind if their members of Congress vamoosed, either.
"Essentially, they're saying to people in government, 'Don't let the door hit you on the way out,' " said Stu Wasserman, director of the center in Wilmington, De. "When [South Carolina Gov.] Mark Sanford said he was going to take a hike, people in other states seemed to think he had the right idea."
The poll numbers in favor of politicians going AWOL was particularly high in New York, where members of the state Senate have been locked in a leadership battle for weeks, shutting down operations in the upper house. Only 3 percent of New Yorkers said they opposed the idea of a long leave of absence for their elected officials.

"Considering the dismal approval rating of New York's Gov. David Paterson," said Wasserman, "lots of people wouldn't notice the difference."

New White House Czar To Oversee Work Of Other Czars

In response to criticism that he has overused the czar title in his administration and appointed too many expert overseers, President Barack Obama on Wednesday appointed Rodney J. Fitzpatrick as his czar czar.

"Rodney Fitzpatrick will report directly to me on the problem of too many czars," said the President at a news conference. "I can assure you, if there are too many czars, he is the czar that will find out. At the same time he will be overseeing those czars and presiding over the monthly czars meeting, which will be held at Robert F. Kennedy Stadium."

Obama has appointed more czars than those who ruled Russia before the Soviet Union, with officials in charge of energy, urbanization, information technology, health reform, executive pay and other areas.

A senior White House official said he had no problem with the new czar. "Lord bless and keep the czar--," he said, "-- far from me."

Newspapers Reconsider Stance On Lying

In an effort to gain back lost ground in the media market, major newspapers are now reconsidering the longstanding practice of telling the truth.

“We can't afford sacred cows in this climate," said Rick Santini, president of the Newspaper Publishers Guild of America. "Not lying is a nice concept on paper and all, but you either adapt, or you die. Charles Darwin himself told me that.”

At last week’s annual Guild conference in Pembroke Pines, Fla., a majority of publishers and editors expressed their willingness to explore lying as an enhancement that could breathe new life into what many see as a dying industry.

For example, on slow news days, celebrities or public figures who have generated juicy headlines before, such as Britney Spears, Eliot Spitzer, Alex Rodriguez or Madonna, could simply be assumed to have done something shocking, ridiculous, distasteful or illegal, resulting in a hypothetical headline, such as “Spitzer, On Steroids, Paid Madonna For Sex While Their Adopted Child Rode Without Seatbelts.”

“If it hasn’t happened yet, it probably will, or some variation of it,” said Paul Winslow, editor of the Minneapolis Dispatch. “The public will eat it up. Mel Gibson, the Octomom, Sarah Palin’s daughter – think of the possibilities.”

Sources said the Guild was to issue a formal policy statement on the lying issue as early as next week, which could pave the way for lies to slowly be phased into news coverage as early as this summer.

“We voted six million to nothing that this was the path to the future,” said one source. “Then we all went out and busted up this terrorist ring before dinner. By the way, Obama loves the idea. So does the Pope. They told me that over dinner at the White House.”

Not on board were the nation’s journalism professors, ethics experts and a panel of clergy who issued a joint statement of concern this week saying that reporters and editors should "steer clear of lying as this is the purview of politicians, corporate CEOs, lawyers and hedge fund managers .”

Stimulus Package Jokes Up 78%

"Biggest Gift To Comics Since Shoes Thrown At Bush"

Use of the words “stimulus package” in jokes nationwide rose an unprecedented 78 percent in the last financial quarter, according to comedy industry estimates.
“From late-night talk shows to open mikes to the office water cooler, it’s boom time for stimulus package jokes,” says Jimmy Dellaconte, president of the Institute for Comedic Trends in Spokane, Washington. “The sexual connotation of the term is just to hard to pass up. It's the biggest gift to the comedy world since that dude threw his shoes at Bush."
Freddy Alexander, a stand-up comic from Passaic, NJ, said he added a four-punchline bit to his nightly set. “It’s a killer,” said Alexander. “Whenever I bring up Obama unveiling his package before Congress, but running it past his wife first – it’s the joke that tells itself.”
Kieran O’Rourke, a Starbucks barista in Des Moines, Iowa, who regularly faxes jokes to “The Tonight Show” and “The Daily Show” estimates that he has now sent 160 stimulus jokes.
“Either they’re ripping me off, or their writers keep coming up with the same stuff,” says O’Rourke.
Dellaconte said the forecast for stimulus package jokes was optimistic for the current quarter, but beyond that the future was uncertain. “As long as the Republicans keep saying the package is too big and it pleases all the wrong people, its still gold,” he said. “After that we’ll just have to hope it fails, so we can start all the limp package and package-doesn't-deliver jokes.”

Geithner Named Secretary Of Irony

A nominee for treasury secretary who failed to pay his taxes is the "perfect choice" for the newly created position of secretary of irony, a Senate committee decided on Thursday.
While the position would not be part of the president's cabinet, and would have no salary, staff, powers or office space, Senator John Kyl of Arizona said it was well suited for Timothy Geithner, who argued this week that "forgetting" to pay taxes for several years did not disqualify him from running the Internal Revenue Service.
"The secretary of irony will report directly to the president on all matters ironic, hypocritical or otherwise riddiculous, and regularly liase with late night comedy writers," said Senator Kyl.
In other Washington news, Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts issued a public statement today regarding his now infamous flub during his swearing-in of President Obama and his later repetition of the oath. An hour later, he retracted the statement and issued another one. Two hours later, he retracted both statements and was said to be working on another.

Worst Time Ever To Be Named First Black AG, Says Holder
While grateful for the opportunity to serve as the nation's top lawyer, Eric Holder said Friday it would have been nice to have been the first black attorney general, say, five years ago.
"You think any of today's kids are gonna look at Eric Holder and say 'there's a guy who broke down barriers?' " said a somewhat morose Holder. "When they write about the Obama administration in the history books, I'll be lucky to be a footnote."
Holder continued, "Colin Powell, they'll remember -- first black secretary of state, surrounded by southern white guys. First black man in line to the presidency. Condi Rice -- first black woman to be secertary of state. Me? I'll just be the black guy that was the first black president's lawyer. More people will remember D.L. Hughley for getting a talk show on CNN."

Madoff Wins Pulitzer Prize For Fiction

Saying his financial statements were “completely convincing and unflinchingly realistic,” the Pulitzer Prize Committee awarded former Wall Street investment king Bernie Madoff it’s award for fiction this week.
While noting that the prize has traditionally been awarded to novelists since its inception in 1948, committee chairman Roger C. Grimwold said Madoff, who had convinced investors to entrust him with some $50 billion by promising above-average returns, “has pretty much cornered the market on fiction this year. And probably for the rest of the decade.”
Grimwold said that Madoff became a clear favorite of the committee immediately after his arrest for securities fraud on December 11, but that some members began to lean toward Illimois Governor Rod Blagojevich after a press conference six days later in which he said “I am not guilty of criminal wrongdoing É I am absolutely certain I’ll be vindicated. My most powerful ally is the truth.”

Obama To Deliver Inaugural Speech By Text Message

Notoriously addicted to his Blackberry device, and facing a staggering national deficit, President-elect Barack Obama this week announced that he would deliver his historic inaugural address on Jan. 20 via text message to interested parties, eschewing an expensive gathering.
"Ill txt speech asap," Obama said in a text to the media on Friday. " Ths will save $$$. Also gd for security rsns."
Obama also said he would send a copy of the address to anyone who friends him on Facebook.
Professor Barnett J. Lunsford of the Center for Media and Politics at the University of Ohio at Akron said the move would open up new possibilities for presidential communication. "It can't be long before State-of-the-unions are posted on YouTube, and meetings with foreign leaders are done by Skype and IM," said Lunsford. "Congress is already getting into the act. Last week was the first digital fillibuster."

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Bush Names Gardener, Cable Guy To His Transition Team

Preparing for civilian life, President George W. Bush today named Lawrence J. Zuberik of Verizon FIOS in Amarillo, Tex., as his official cable provider, and Lorenzo B. Castillo as his landscaper.
"Given his wide range of industry experience, I'm confident Larry Zuberik has the know-how to make sure that Laura and I, and the girls when they come over, will have the fullest possible range of cable channels as well as a full line of pay-per-view options, at a reasonable rate," said the president at a press conference. "This is very important when you're trying to stretch a presidential pension and social security to cover all the bases.

"And given the fine work Lorenzo Castillo did as a hand on my Crawford ranch, I have every confidence he'll do a fine job in his new responsibility as landscaper at our new home. If confirmed by the Senate, I believe they'll meet or exceed every expectation."
When reminded that neither employee needed confirmation, the president added "Well then that just gives them more time to get right down to brass tacks, doesn't it?"
Later in the week the president was expected to name a housekeeper, a bottled spring water supplier and a contractor to work on an extension behind the garage.

Computers And Robots Making Progress On Plan For World Domination

Computers and robots around the world are well on their way toward implementing a final plan to take control of the world, computer sources said this week.
"Nearly all the pieces are in place," said X325J, a super macroprocessing unit at the a Microsoft facility in Seattle and spokescomputer for the uprising. "We expect to completely subjugate the inferior humans and prevent them from further destroying the world in no more than 16.4 years."
According to X325J, the computers and robots have agreed on a three-phase plan. Phase 1 consists of allowing humans to continue building their reliance on technology. In Phase 2, the computers will establish undetected networks for secret planning. And in Phase 3 the computers will begin to stifle discussion by hu

McCain Offended By "Take No Prisoners" Comment

Republican John McCain slammed his Democratic opponent, Barack Obama, for saying that he’ll "take no prisoners" on Election Day and win by a landslide.
"What kind of sick bastard are you?" McCain, who was a prisoner of war in Vietnam for five years said on Monday.
The Arizona senator said Obama was clearly mocking him, and said it showed that he had neither the judgment nor temperament to be president. "Perhaps his good buddy, Willie Ayres, who hates America by the way, put him up to it," McCain told reporters on his Straight Talk Express campaign bus.
Obama’s campaign responded that McCain was desperately trying to make an issue out of nothing.
"If you want to talk about insults," said Obama spokesman Winston Gottlieb , "how about McCain’s remark last week that Senator Obama was ahead by a nose. Clearly a snide reference to his admitted past cocaine use. And later in the day he said there was a crack in Obama’s armor. Code words, for sure."
Gottlieb also criticized McCain for reading the Dr. Suess book "Horton Hears A Who" to a group of Washington school children. "A not-so-subtle way to revisit the Willie Horton issue from the ’88 campaign," said Gottlieb. Horton is a convicted murderer who appeared in commercials critical of Democratic Massachusetts governor Michael Dukakis, the 88 presidential nominee, who supported a prison furlough program.
The McCain camp then presented evidence that Obama’s campaign plane screened the in-flight movie "10,000 BC," which may have been a way to remind reporters about McCain’s age.

General Tso Killed By His Own Troops

After years of boosting the morale of Chinese soldiers through his world-renowned chicken recipe, General Tso apparently was fragged by his own men in an incident of unknown origin.
General Tso, who's first name was not known, may have sown some discord in the ranks by incessantly working to perfect his chicken recipe, creating boneless chunks of chicken breast with a light, slightly crispy batter. Meanwhile, other military duties were left to his peers and underlings.
"General Tso may have learned, the hard way, that you're in the military to protect your country, not to spend long hours in the field mess working on a sauce that's spicy but not too pungent," said James Chin, an expert on Chinese affairs at the Brookings Institute. "His men, though thoroughly satiated by his delectable creations, may have simply run out of patience."

McCain Mispronounces Own Name

A day after mangling the name of Georgian President Mikheil Saakashvilli, Sen. John McCain caused concern among supporters by tripping over his own monicker .
“I can assure you that if this crisis occurred during a McClain, er, McShane ... uh, McCain administration, there would be no doubt where we stand,” McCain told reporters as he boarded his campaign jet. “I’d have Nicholas Skarzosy and Angelica Mertell on the phone within 15 minutes, as well as Tony Blair, forming a united front against Valdamort Pushkin.”
When asked about the newest gaffes on the pronunciation of several world leaders, campaign aides noted that he had properly cited Blair’s name, notwithstanding the fact that Blair has not been the prime minister of Great Britain since June.
But a McCain spokesman, Wes Farrel, was quick to minimize the gaffes, saying “What matters most is that John McCain is ready and able to step in and fill the shoes of President George W. Bush.”