Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Tom Cruise Named "Flakiest Man Alive"

Movie star Tom Cruise, who recently bounced on Oprah Winfrey's couch to declare his love for starlet Katie Holmes, was named "Flakiest Man Alive" in this week's Psychiatry Today, just as rumors are circulating that Cruise and Holmes may be splitting up.
"Cruise exhibits classic symptoms of egocentrism and narcicism," the magazine wrote. "While he falls short of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual's definition of a psychiatric disorder, his behavior signals a deeply conflicted personality and an inability to commit. He's also got way to much damned time on his hands."
Runners up in the magazine's annual roundup of "Flakiest Personalities" include George Clooney, Rosie O'Donnell, Courtney Love, Madonna and Vice President Dick Cheney.
But the magazine said Cruise stood out because of his televised argument with "Today" show host Matt Lauer about anti-depressant drugs and his condemnation of actress Brooke Shields for taking them to treat post-partum depression. "His crude and, I daresay, uninformed remarks about psychiatry didn't help his case much," said Dr. Edwin Neumiller, editor of Psychiatry Today. "He is what we in the mental health community refer to as 'a moron.' "

Monday, February 13, 2006

Cheney To Hunt With Scooter Libby

Vice President Dick Cheney is insisting his wounding of a hunting companion Saturday was an accident. But suspicions were raised this week when Cheney invited his former chief of staff, Lewis "Scooter Libby" to accompany him on a quail-shooting expedition next week.
Libby, who resigned after being indicted for allegedly lying to investigators last year reportedly has told prosecutors his old boss authorized him to leak information to reporters about the identity of a CIA operative -- information that has some Democrats calling for Cheney to resign and could lead to legal proceedings against the veep.
"Shooting this Whittington fellow could just have been an elaborate ruse to set up the alibi that Cheney's a lousy shot," said John J. Jones, a prominent conspiracy-theory blogger. "Then if Libby takes some buckshot to the brain and gets in a coma and can't tesify, people will just be all, like, "That Dick! He ought to give up hunting."
Jones also did not discount the theory that Cheney could be planning future hunting trips as a way of dealing with critics and other enemies. "That New York Times reporter that he called a "big time" "major league asshole," and the senator he told to go $%^& himself, they ought to stay clear of Cheney any time he has his hands on a shotgun," said Jones.
Other Developments
In other developments in the Cheney hunting story, the vice president in an interview to air Wednesday on the Fox News channel, reportedly vowed to have all proper permits in place next time he shoots a lawyer in the face.
He added that when he apologized to Whittington, "he was very Christian about it and turned the other cheek." A witness, however, later said Whittington turned the other cheek not to be gracious but to avoid having it, too, shot. Several others who have hunted with Cheney in the past said they will no longer do so, considering the cancellation a "face-saving measure."

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Michelle Kwan's Groin Plans Comeback

In an interview on ESPN Tuesday, Figure-skater Michelle Kwan's groin publicly apologized for causing her to drop out of the Winter Olympic Games in Turin, Italy, and vowed to recover in time for her to compete in future games.
The cable sports network won an unlikely exclusivewith Kwan's groin, which had not commented publicly on her decision to pull out of the competition, defering all comment to Kwan.
"I don't go looking for publicity," said the groin. "I figure me and the knees and the ankles and the back, we're all a part of the same team and it's better to let Michelle be the spokeswoman. There's no I in team, but there is one in groin. So after causing so much of a ruckus with my substandard performance, I wanted to let the world know that I'm sorry I let everyone down. And, that I'll have my a-game next time around. I don't want it written in the history books that Kwan's groin just didn't have what it takes."
The groin interview was especially important to ESPN since NBC Sports has exclusive rights to all Olympics coverage and footage. The interview was expected to be a major ratings draw, since it is the first in history with an athlete's body part. CBS, however, did get a brief comment from Janet Jackson's nipple shortly after its appearance in the 2004 Super Bowl.
In related news, Kwan became the darling of America this week for the quick and decisive process that led her to withdraw from contention in Turin.
President Bush also said he was impressed with Kwan's snappy judgment, but came short of saying he would consult with the skater on any foreign policy issues. "We got folks we pay a lot of money for that kind of stuff," said the President. "And they're doin' a heck of a job."

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Bush Names Kanye West Secretary Of Black-People-Caring

WASHINGTON -- Trying to boost his dismal approval ratings, President George W. Bush tried to win over a major critic by asking hip-hop artist Kanye West to be his "secretary of black people caring."
The newly conceived position's duties are initially unclear, but Bush acknowleged he had picked West for the position because of his statement during a nationally broadcase telethon for Hurricane Katrina victims that "President Bush doesn't care about black people." A majority of those displaced, injured, killed or otherwise disregarded during the catastrophe, one of America's worst, were or are African American.
"We can do better," Bush said in an open address to West during a press conference. "And bringing Mr. West into the process is part of my overall philosophy of bringing my critics into the process. It's what I call the big tent."
When reminded that numerous residents of Louisiani and Mississippi were still living in actual tents, the president said "I know that. I know that."
No word on whether West will accept the position. A spokesman said he was busy preparing for a performance in Chicago and had no comment.
Later in the day, Bush asked Cindy Sheehan to be his Secretary of Not Ignoring The War Toll.