Monday, June 26, 2006

NASA Jubiliant As Shuttle Doesn't Fall Apart

Officials of NASA's shuttle program were ecstatic Tuesday as the aging orbiter Discovery made it into orbit with only a few pieces flying off.
"Foam, shmoam," said NASA administrator Michael Griffin, when asked about the insulation on the shuttle's external fuel tank that, once again, was seen flying off the ship during liftoff. "Nine-nine point ninety-nine percent of the ship made it off the launchpad. We're focused on that."
When a reporter noted that the space agency had spent millions of dollars studying how to keep the foam insulation on the ship after one troubled launch and one disaster, Griffin said: "As of an hour ago, the thing is holding together, and our fingers are crossed that 80-90 percent of it comes down in one piece, with all the astronauts fit as a fiddle."
The launch came just days after NASA technicians were seen coating antennae with aluminum foil as the damn Hubble Telescope went on the fritz for the fourth time this year.
"Dad-gum it," said Griffin then. "We done paid about a half-zillion dollars for this bucket of orbiting bolts. Is it too much to ask to get a decent six months outta the thang."
NASA observers were monitoring a key cluster of gasseous clouds near Alpha Centurai around 11 AM this morning when the picture suddenly blinked out. "We was just getting to the best part and BAM," said Fred Halstead of Jet Propulsion Laboratories. "Now we'll never know if those clouds completely dissipated or merged into a field with a larger mass."
Griffin told reporters that by coating the giant rabbit-ear antennae with foil and having 73 volunteers stand in a ring around them while holding hands he was able to tune in for the remaining five minutes of the cloud formation. But he said a long-term solution would have to be found in the future. "We may have to spring for one of them newfangled plasma, flatscreen telescopes," he said. "Hope we can get it on layaway."

New Ann Coulter Book To Slam Handicapped, Homeless, Poor and Elderly

Encouraged by soaring sales of her new book attacking 9-11 widows, among others, conservative commentator Ann Coulter is shopping around a new mansucript that takes on the handicapped, homeless, poor and elderly as "needless drains on society," a publishing source said today.
Coulter, who has refused to apologize for her comments calling the widows "self-obsessed" and "witches" who "celebrated" their husbands' deaths, is toying with the title "Wastoids" for her new book.
"This could mean a new low in exploitation of low-hanging fruit for a quick profit," the publishing source said.
In other news, the Dixie Chicks, now embracing their role as ditty-singing political activists, have announced that they're contemplating a run for Senate in Texas next year, while Larry the Cable Guy has formed a presidential exploratory committee, sources report.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Most Americans See Bush As A Quick Wrong-Decision-Maker, Poll Says

Contrasting President Bush with a host of Washington figures viewed as wafflers and flip-floppers, a majority of Americans believe that he is quick, firm and resolute at arriving at his wrong decisions.
"Nearly 90 percent of those polled believe the president has virtually no trouble making up his mind," said Phil Cabrini of the Smith Insitute for Public Research. "They also believe, 72 percent to 26 percent, that he takes the time to listen to both sides of an argument before getting on the wrong side."
Ten thousand Americans in all fifty states were polled about the president's quick mistake-making process over a period of five days. Only eight percent of Americans said they believed the president took too long to screw things up.
When asked about the poll, Sen. John Kerry, the Massachusetts Democrat who lost to Bush in 2004, said he needed more time to analyze the data, while Hillary Rodham Clinton of New York said she would release a statement as early as July 1st.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Peter's Interest Rate Up 0.125%

Taking from Peter to pay Paul will cost an extra 0.125 percent after Peter raised the interest rate this week for the first time in recent memory. "Paul's been getting paid up the wazoo," sid Peter. "Me? All I got are debt markers. Tons of them."
By raising the interest rate, Peter said he hoped fewer people would take from him and those who do would repay sooner.
In related news, as of this week those who are penny-wise will now by Euro-foolish.

Stories We're Watching:

*Wife Who Shot Preacher Kicked Off Bake Sale Committee
*Britney Wants Her Virginity Back
*God Switching To G-Mail
*50-Cent Named Director Of Homeboy Security
*Bisexuals Love Appleā€™s New Bi-Pod
*White House Plan Would Create Privatized Daylight Savings Accounts
*Cancer Bestows Lifetime Achievement Award On Tobacco Company
*Honorary Degree A Big Boost To Man's Honorary Career
*Workaholic Goes 90 Days Without Workahol
*Reform School For Vandals Shut Down By High Maintenance Costs
*Homeland Security Dept. Considering Scratch'N Sniff Terror Alerts
*US Troops Discover DMVs in Baghdad
*West Bank Announces More Branches, Better Hours
*Moon Hits Akron, OH, Man's Eye Like A Big Pizza Pie
*Twelve Injured In PC Hard-Drive Crash
*Chasidic Porn Surfer Finds No Google Results Under"Shmutz"

* Month Passes Without New Jude Law Movie
* Halle Berry Offered $12 Million To Not Make "Catwoman 2"
* Network Plans Series Of Events Based On TV Movies
* New Series, "Law and Order: Overkill," Begins Production
* Harrison Ford, 62, To Film "Raiders Of The Pension Fund"

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Ceremony Marks 100,000th Person Sucking Up To Trump

Donald Trump held a ceremony and press conference at his New York offices Thursday to mark the 100,000th person to suck up to him since he began keeping count four years ago.
Analysts say the level of sucking up to Trump has drastically increased in the last several years, despite recent failed casino deals in Atlantic City and other setbacks, largely because of his successful NBC reality show, "The Apprentice."
"People really want to get on that show," said Sy Kofant, a professional Trump watcher. "And why wouldn't they? Mr. Trump is the biggest thing in America since the internal combustion engine. And he looks great, too. His kids are gorgous."
The 100,000 suckup was Phil Dritzler, a investment manager from Manalapan, New Jersey, who wrote Trump a 17-page adulatory letter accompanying his resume. "This kid has a long future of sucking up ahead of him," Trump told Entertainment Tonight.