Thursday, September 29, 2005

Snubbed Judges Give Roberts Cold Shoulder

Making his first visit to the Supreme Court since his confirmation as chief justice, John Roberts got a cool reception from the other eight judges this week.
"If you need anything, just phone over to the 'NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE CHIEF JUSTICE' chambers," said Justice David Souter after meeting Roberts. "We'll be toiling along in our own humble way."
"Yeah," said Ruth Bader Ginsburg. "And feel free to come to my house for Passover. That's PASS-OVER. Get it?"
Later, Justice Antonin Scalia, who was believed by some to be a likely choice to succeed William Rehnquist as chief justice, took Roberts for a tour of the court building. Ten minutes later, security guards freed Roberts from a locked storeroom, and Scalia had left the premises.
Roberts then went to his chambers and found it ransacked, with the words "chief dorkwad" written on the wall in lipstick. Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, who has announced her retirement from the court, was later overheard telling Ginsburg "What are they gonna do, fire my ass?"
The only justice to show some warmth to the newbie was Clarence Thomas, who was overhead asking Roberts if he enjoyed Scandinavian films.

Top Writer On "Lost" Admits There Is No Plot

A top writer on ABC's suspense-packed drama "Lost" has revealed that the show has absolutely no ongoing plot, and that the creators make up each episode of the island castaways show shortly before shooting.
"We all get really toasted and say things like 'wouldn't it be great if Jack climbs down a hatch and finds some paranoid Australian guy playing old Mama Cass songs,' and then the next thing you know it's in the script," said the writer, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "Once in a while someone, usually a network executive, asks how all this affects the storyline, and we're all, like, 'don't worry, you'll see. It'll all come together.' Yeah, right."
The writer said the top-rated second season premiere last week was written on the back of some burrito wrappers and photo-copied while the cast and crew waited to begin shooting on the set in Maui. "Some of the cast members wanted revisions, and we said just go ahead and do what you want," said the writer. "They each have their own ideas about what Claire's baby and Walt and the French Woman and The Others and the Guy In The Hatch all have in common. We may have to rely on them eventually to tie it all together because we have no freaking clue. Last week we even watched some Gilligan's Island reruns for inspiration."
The writer added that the show's creator and executive producer, JJ Abrams, rarely shows up at the set. "He e-mailed me the other day and said the network really wanted to look at some of some advance scripts, so at some point we may have to actually write an episode or two ahead, but that probably won't be for a season or too. As long as the ratings are up, it really won't matter."

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Clinton World Conference Foiled By Sister Souljah

The launching conference of the Bill Clinton World Initiative in New York came to an abrupt halt this week when the former president's old nemesis, Sister Souljah, showed up to repay a debt.
"Don't think I forgot about how you dissed me all those years ago, Bill Clinton," shouted the former rap singer, whose career was damaged in the early 90s when Clinton, then a candidate, denounced her in a speech for using violent lyrics.
Sister Souljah, who had been seated quietly in the back of a session on alternative fuel resources, suddenly began heckling Clinton and several other world leaders, then proceeded to perform a new version of an old song in which the name Clinton was substituted for the word "police."
When it was over, the former president, clearly perturbed, tried to be polite as he told the singer "that was a long time ago, and you really should move on and try to be a happy person."
That seemed to infuriate Sister Souljah even more. "OH, no you DIDN'T just give me lifestyle advice Bill Clinton!" she shouted, waving a finger in disbelief. "It's ON now!" She then launched into a previously unheard invective-filled rap song until security guards moved in and escorted her from the room.
The conference then proceeded uninterrupted for half an hour before Paula Jones, Gennifer Flowers and Monica Lewinsky snuck in, causing a similar disruption, and Clinton was taken from the scene by Secret Service agents.

Stories We're Following: Dali Lama Jumps On Oprah's Couch, Shouting "I'm In Love With Humanity."

Monday, September 19, 2005

Bush Political Disaster Downgraded To Category 3 Crisis

Three weeks after Hurricane Katrina ravaged the Gulf Coast, the political fallout has been downgraded from a Category 5 political disaster to a Category 3 publicity crisis, the National Scandal Observatory reported Tuesday.
“After the president fired his director of emergency management and made several trips to the affected areas, he largely succeeded in convincing the public that he is not a racist blunderer, but merely a blunderer,” said Jack Forsythe of the NSO. “That merits the downgrading from ‘disaster,’ past ‘scandal’ to the less severe ‘crisis.’ ”
Forsythe cautioned that additional hurricane activity may yet lead to another upgrade, but said the downgrade for now would allow Bush to focus on the war in Iraq, which last week was upgraded from Category 4 Boondoggle to a Category 5 Quagmire. The highest category is 6, or Military And Foreign Affairs Catastrophe.
In other news, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice today told reporters a note by the president to her, captured by a photographer at the United Nations, asking if it was OK for him to take a “bathroom break” was due to extraordinary circumstances.
Rice said the president usually addresses such requests to Vice President Dick Cheney or senior advisor Karl Rove, neither of whom was present at the UN.

The world's Big Three religions each posted earnings ahead of projections for fiscal year 05 this week, although Judaism and Islam once again failed to show profits.
Analysts said that Judaism continues to suffer from a milennia-long image problem that does not inspire consumer confidence, while Islam has been adversely affected by negative publicity.
"Ever since the year 0 BC, when millions of people started bailing out of Judaism and were sold on a new product, there's just not enough brand identification," said Jason Teplitz of of "And getting out the word that terrorism is against the Koran has hampered any opportunity for a growth dividend for Islam."
Christianity continues to be the world's most profitable religion, thanks in large part to substantial real estate holdings by the Catholic Church, a widely recognizable trademark and icon, and Pat Robertson's 700 Club.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Good News From Bush

On his latest visit to Louisiana, President George W. Bush tried once again to reassure the thousands of refugees and rescue workers. "The flooding is still widespread, hundreds of people are missing, and it's going to take years to rebuild, but there is some good news," said the president. "I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by calling GEICO."