Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Other Gaining Big In Key States

With primary season in full swing, voters in several key, early primary states are reacting to the campaigns of the major candidates in both parties by embracing "other" in political polls.
Other surged 16 points in the last two weeks in Iowa, 18 points in New Hampshire, 12 points in Florida, and 20 points in South Carolina.
“Other has substantial momentum,” said pollster Craig Billings of Iowa State University. “We could be looking at an upset in any one of these states.”
A spokesman for Other2008, Philip J. Hickley, said the surge was particularly impressive since Other has no campaign offices or field efforts and has raised no money. “People are looking for alternatives, and that’s what we’re all about,” said Hickley.
Reacting to the news, a spokesman for Democrat Sen. Barak Obama said other’s position on the Iraq war was “hazy and inconsistent,” while the campaign of Republican Mike Huckabee said the American public needed to know more about other’s family values.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Secret Memo: Bush To Devote Final Year To Search For A Clue

President George W. Bush will devote the final year of his administration to finding some clue about how to run a country, according to an internal White House memo leaked to the media.
“This would be a really good time to come up with some kind of inkling about how to do the nation's business in a responsible and effective way,” read the memo, believed to have been written by Joshua Bolten, the president’s chief of staff. “Let 2008 be known as The Year We Get A Clue.”
The memo continued, “we know the critics and cynics and other kinds of Democrats are out there saying it can’t be done, they’ll leave the White House just as clueless as they went in. But just as we have in the past, we’ll upset expectations.”
When asked about the memo, White House spokeswoman Dana Perino said, perhaps with tongue in cheek, “I haven’t a clue as to who might have written that memo.” But she declined to say it was inauthentic. “It’s well-known that the president has always been determined to optimize his performance and better appeal to the 70 percent of the country who don’t realize what a good job he is doing.”

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Dems Low-Key At 612th Debate

Democratic candidates refrained from attacking each other, gave mostly one-word answers and showed signs of fatigue at last night’s presidential debate, the 612th of the primary election season.
“Yeah, whatever,” said former Sen. John Edwards when asked if he would campaign for any of the other candidates should they get the nomination.
“If you say so,” said Illinois Barak Obama when asked if his position against the Iraq war showed some signs of inconsistency.
Toward the end of the debate, Obama and Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton were seen playing cards.
When asked whom she might select as a running mate, Clinton delayed her answer a few moments while looking at her cards and said “him,” pointing to Obama. “I know we’ve had our differences, but somewhere around debate 526 and 527 I realized a lot of his positions make some sense. Plus he’s really good at gin and spit.”
“Got any twos?” Obama responded.
When asked about his position on gun control, Sen. Joe Biden, awakened by an aide, said, through a yawn, “My position on that hasn’t changed since this morning’s debate. We need better screening and tougher enforcement.”
The only candidate who seemed animated and energetic was Congressman Dennis Kucinich. With four empty cans of Red Bull on his podium, Kucinich at one point shouted that “Stagnant wages, expensive health care and rising education costs are vital issues being ignored by the Congress and White House! My opponents in this race aren’t part of the solution, so they’re part of the problem.”
During time allotted for rebuttal, Biden said “I’m with the short guy on that.”
“Yeah,” said Senator Chris Dodd. “What’s his name has it all right.”
To which Clinton added: “Gin!”

China To Export Actual Crap

After years of foisting crappy merchandise on the American public, China announced this week that it will begin sending actual crap here by the middle of next year.
“We think the market for crap in America is quite large,” said Deng Xiu, a spokesman for the Chinese Trade Council. “If people will buy kids toys covered in lead or coated with a date-rape drug or asbestos, or dog food that kills your dog, they’ll buy anything.”
Chinese sources said they were still exploring the best ways to harvest and ship the crap and what type of profit margin to seek.
Reaction on Capitol Hill was swift. “This afternoon I will be introducing the China Ant-Crap Amendment to existing trade agreements,” said Sen. Charles Schumer of Brooklyn. “Essentially, it says to China: we’re fed up of taking your crap.”