Millions Of Americans Learn Ford Was President

Tens of millions of Americans this week learned that there was a president named Gerald R. Ford in the recent past. Many of them also learned that he had been a member of Congress and vice president prior to becoming president. A lucky few even learned that Ford, who came from a state called Michigan, had become president after the resignation of another president. "His name was Richard and he did something bad," said Howie Penn of Baltimore.
Unfortunately the president named Ford died this week. He was very old.
"I knew we had Bush, and another guy named Bush who might have been his brother or son, and George Clinton and Ronald Reagan," said Craig Billigsley of Providence, Rhode Island, as he watched coverage of Ford's funeral at Dickie's BBQ this week. "There may have been two or three more in there that I'm missing. That's in my life, I mean. I wasn't alive when they had Washington and Benjamin Franklin and those guys. Obviously."

Oprah Opens School For Scandal Damaged Celebrities
Flush from her successful opening of an elite academy for disadvantaged girls in South Africa, Oprah Winfrey this week announced this week that she was turning her attention to a school for scandal-plagued celebrities in Malibu.
"Sometimes the people in your own backyard are the ones that need help the most but escape our attention," Winfrey said through a publicist. "This is a chance to give something back here at home."
The school will offer classes in image rehabilitation, racial tolerance and diversity, successful parenting, safe dieting, recommended reading and plenty of helpful household trips, all intended to build a better self-image. "A celebrity that's happy inside is a celebrity that the public can be happy with," said Winfrey, who gets overwhelmingly positive coverage in tabloids and gossip pages.
Insiders say Winfrey has yet to sort through the applications for the Enquiring Minds Academy, as it is tentatively called. While Mel Gibson, Britney Spears, Michael Jackson, Michael Richards and Lindsay Lohan may seem natural applicants, reps for each of them had no comment. A source said several former child stars, including ex-"Partridge Family" actor Danny Bonaduce, had filed applications and provided references.

Coming up:
U.S. Fears Rosie-Trump Fued Can Lead To Sectarian Violence
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Poll: Majority Of Iraqis Want Dead Saddam Put Back In Power