Thursday, May 29, 2008

Hundreds Mobilize To Find Lost Puppy

Hundreds of people in Shenandoah, Pennsylvania left their homes on Sunday following word that an area resident, 7-yar-old Jackie Shepard, had lost his Labrador pup, Felix.
Breaking up into teams, the volunteers scoured a 20-mile radius around Jackie’s home over the past three days, canvassing homes and stores and plastering towns with flyers.
“This really pulled at people’s heartstrings,” said Ben Pardsley, a sherrif’s deputy in Shenandoah who helped organize the volunteers and tracked their progress by sector.
Reporters from several local television stations and three major newspapers covered the search and donations poured in around the clock until about $33,000 was raised for the Find Felix Foundation.
“It was really touching,” said Jackie’s father, Frank, as his son played with his three remaining dogs in their backyard. “For so many people, seeing that boy reunited with his puppy became their mission, their purpose in life.’
The search came to a happy conclusion late Wednesday night when Felix was found about two miles away from his home by a man who had seen the flyers and called a special hotline. He was given a $10,000 reward. Frank Shepard said the remaining funds would probably be used to build doghouses for disadvantaged kids who can’t afford them.
Jackie Shepherd thanked the volunteers and said he most likely would put the dog up for adoption, since he had grown more attached to another puppy during Felix’s absence.
In other news, some 60,000 people are dead after an earthquake in China that came one week after 15,000 people died from a cyclone in Myanmar. Relief efforts are underway for the survivors.

Monday, May 12, 2008

New Hillary Spokesman Says Obama Is "History"

In his first press conference as spokesman for Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton's presidential campaign, former Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Al-Sahhaf said Clinton's Democratic rival Barack Obama was "finished, history, gone. Yesterday's news."

Al-Shahaf, who earned the name Comical Ali for his assertive pronouncements of Iraqi victory over the coalition forces after the 2003 invasion, insisted that Clinton was well on her way to clinching the Democratic nomination.
"Obama's a flash in the pan, last week's paper," said Al-Shahaf. "Next week, people will be asking who is that guy Obama, his name sounds familiar ..."
Asked how he could explain Obama's lead in delegates, superdelegates, poll numbers and fundraising, al-Shahaf insisted "the delegates are with Hillary, the fundraisers are with Hillary, the American people are with Hillary, even the voters on American Idol are voting for Hillary. The infidel Obama has been vanquished, victory is ours."
Also joining Hillary's campaign this week was former NBC News4 New York news anchor Sue Simmons, who was fired this week after an incident involving on-air obscenity. When asked about her role, Simmons said "What the f**k do you think my motherf***ing role is? I'm going to help kick Obama's f***ing ass, you f***ing piece of s**t!"

Clintons Refuse To Concede Bridge Game

Police were called to a home in Chappaqua, N.Y. last night after Bill and Hillary Clinton refused to concede that a partners bridge game with some friends was over and that they had lost.
“The American people don’t quit and so we will not quit,” said Sen. Hillary Clinton as police tried to convince them to leave quietly.
Jim and Bev Kulverman, who live down the street from the Clintons, tried to explain that it they had prevailed because they had won the superior amount of tricks, but the Clintons repeatedly insisted that they could still prevail.
“We kept trying to explain to them that there’s just no such thing as supertricks, never was,” said Jim Kulverman. “They kept saying they were in it till the end. Even after it was the end. We put away the snacks, kept saying we had be up early the next day, and they just wanted to keep playing.”
The Clintons eventually were convinced by police to go home, but police said they responded again several hours later to the Clintons’ home when Hillary refused to concede that she had lost to Bill at Gin Rummy.

BREAKING: SuperDelegates Save Thousands From Massive Earthquake

A massive earthquake shook the southwest on Monday, but widescale death and destruction was avoided when superdelegates took to the skies, using their powers to rescue thousands from peril.

“We’re not supposed to use our powers until the convention, but this was a catastrophe,” said Ed Shedly of Tucson, Ariz., after plucking a schoolbus from the precipice of a shattered bridge spanning the Colorado River.
Another superdelegate, Phil Farisco of Albuquerque, took even more drastic action by sealing a fissure in the earth’s crust with his heat vision. “There I was, sitting around trying to decide if I was going to support Hillary or Obama, when the ground starts shaking,” said Farisco. “I didn’t even think about, just grabbed my cape and flew out the window.’
Many of the superdelegates did not identify themselves after they performed such feats as preventing speeding trains from derailing, suspending toppling skyscrapers and, in one case, hastily constructing a new runway with superspeed after the one at Reno/Tahoe International Airport was destroyed. This allowed 17 flights short on fuel to land safely.
“It’s all in a day’s work for a superdelegate,” said one woman who declined to reveal her secret identity. “And compared to getting Hillary to drop out of the race, it’s child’s play.”

Friday, May 02, 2008

Bush Creates Approval Rating Deficit

The next two people elected to the White House will take office with negative poll ratings because President George Bush's approval rating has sunk so low, analysts announced Wednesday.
"He's the first president with an approval deficit," said Larry J. Lundsberger of the Carlson Institute for Public Policy. "That means he's used up so much political capital, he has to borrow from his next two successors. We may be feeling this for decades to come."
Lundsberger cited the rapidly deteriorating situation in Iraq, the faltering economy and soaring gas prices as key factors in driving the poll numbers into the basement. "Having your vice president shooting folks doesn't help matters much, either," he added.
White House spokeswoman Dana Perino on Tuesday said the president and his cabinet were considering an approval rating stimulus package to be implemented in the next few months.