Pluto To Earth: "Downgrade This!"

Fed up with being disrespected by Earth scientists, the previously unknown government of Pluto reacted angrily this week when word finally arrived that the International Astronimical Union had reclassified the former Ninth Planet as a "dwarf" or "minor planet.
Stripping Pluto of its full-planet status, the astromers last August designated the body simply "No. 134340."
The Plutonians only learned of this change this week because it takes months for radio waves emanating from Earth to reach the far edges of the solar system.
"We had to find out about this from, of all things, a joke on Conan O'Brien," wrote the Pluto spokesman Xwarlf, in a terse letter beamed to CNN, apparently originating several weeks ago. "You Earthers think you're all that and a bag of chips. Well let me tell you, at least our climate isn't warming, we have no endless wars and we don't have to put up with Britney, Rosie O'Donnell and Dr. Phil."
He added, "don't think we've forgotten how you dissed us by naming that dopey Disney character after us."
The letter, in which Xwarlf explained that Plutonians learned English from the U.S. sattelite broadcasts, concludes with several Pltonian insults and obscenities, and the words "Downgrade This!"
Xwarlf also said his planet had amassed a collection of deep space probes and other "floating garbage" launched from Earth and intended to deliver it back where it came from as soon as it developed interplanetary space travel. "Just because you're a supposedly 'major planet' doesn't give you the right to litter up the solar system."

Bush's Microsoft Office Study Group To Issue Recommendations

President Bush has announced that he will put off any action on Iraq until after he has reviewed the findings of his Microsoft Office Study Group.
The White House appointed the 6-member committee, comprised mostly of computer consultants, to help the president and his cabinet members make better use of the Microsoft Office system on their desktop computers.
"There's all kinds of stuff on Word I never knew about, like drag and drop editing," the president said at a press conference. "And a good command of Excel makes it much easier to review appropriations and exercise the line-item veto. I can even use Picture It to look at sattelite photos and print them out any size I want."
The chairman of the study groups, Wayne Hammond of the Bethesda-based InterSystems LLC, said he had now thoroughly reviewed the White House's needs and was preparing a PowerPoint presentation for senior staff. "There's no reason to cut and run from Office," said Hammond. "That's a little joke, see."
Bush said he would thoroughly review the report but would not be bound by its findings.

Bush Apologizes To Anyone Offended By His Presidency

Following a recent string of public celebrity apologies, President Bush this week apologized to the nation to those who were offended by his being president for the past six years.
"In my attempt to be this nation's chief executive, I have offended a lot of people, and I am deeply, deeply sorry," Bush said in an address from the Oval Office. "For me to be in the White House and flip out and say and do this crap ... I'm not incompetent, that's what's so insane about this. Please know that incompetence of any kind goes against my faith."
The president's words were similar to those issued by actors Michael Richards and Mel Gibson after they launched into tirades against blacks and Jews, respectively.