Cantorelli Wins Station Car 500

With steam spraying from its radiator, Willy Cantorelli’s 1993 Toyota Carolla sailed across the finish line of the 9th Annual Station Car 500 today, narrowly edging out defending champion Larry Ferguson in his 1996 Chevy Corsica.
Two hundred and eighty fans at the Roosevelt Field Mall parking lot in Garden City New York cheered an unusually tight race this year, with 55 station cars competing for the coveted Station Car 500 Spill-proof Coffee Mug.
Cantorelli entered the race knowing his fan belt was failing but said he couldn’t have it replaced because of alimony payments to his first wife and pending orthodontic treatments for his daughter.
“This baby’s never let me down before,” said Cantorelli, 41, an insurance agent from Syosset, noting the Carolla’s 96,786-mile odometer reading.
Ferguson, 47, an office supply salesman from Ronkonkoma, completed the race with three worn tires and one temporary “doughnut” tire because, he said, he was $15 short of the cost of a new set of radials and his credit cards were maxed out.
Ten of the 55 cars broke down during the race and pulled over to the side to call AAA. A Jeep Cherokee driven by Kelvin Pritchard, 56, an accountant from Stamford, Conn., burst into flames when a fuel line ruptured at the same time the electrical system shorted out. Pritchard completed the race after being picked up by Speed-Dial Car Service.
The race is open to suburban railroad commuters. To qualify as station cars, vehicles must be made before 2000, have moderate to extensive body damage, mismatched tires and/or mileage exceeding 85,000.
Both Cantorelli and Ferguson are expected to compete next month in the Nearly Repossessed Minivan and SUV 500 in Scotch Plains, NJ, in which they will race their wives’ cars.

Clemens Tosses Bat At Steroids Committee

In a repeat of an infamous incident at the 2000 World Series, an enraged Roger Clemens tossed a jagged bat at lawmakers investigating steroid use on Capitol Hill Thursday.
“I don’t know how the hell he got that thing past security,” said Ron Senally, an aide to Rep Rick Sanchez of Florida, who was in the room at the time. “He just got up and tossed that thing just like he did at Mike Piazza.”
The bat sailed harmlessly over the legislators and bounced off a wall as security guards escorted the Cy Young-winner, who most recently pitched for the Yankees, out of the room. He later said the incident was “unfortunate” but did not apologize.
After a break, Clemens returned to the hearing, and began hurling lies and half-truths at a record-breaking 96 mph.

BREAKINGS NEWS WE'RE WATCHING: 13 Umpires,4 General Managers Suspended For Steroid Use

Republicans Begin Race To Not Be Endorsed By Bush

With President George W. Bush making his first public comments on the election this week, the three remaining Republican White House candidates have begun their efforts to not be endorsed by him.
“I have always believed Governor Huckabee was the best person to win the president’s support,” said Arizona Sen. John McCain, the GOP frontrunner on Sunday. “In fact, I think the president should be out campaigning for him every day.”
Huckabee, in turn, told reporters that Texas congressman Ron Paul should get the nod of the president, whose 30 percent approval rating is at an all-time low.
“I’m already at 30 percent,” Huckabee said. “It’s Ron Paul that really needs the help. Seriously. I won’t hold it against the president at all if he backs Paul.”
When asked his reaction, Paul said “Either one of those guys, realistically, is more in synch with the president than I am. I really think he ought to do whatever he can for McCain or Huckabee. Bring em into the Oval Office, fundraise for them, whatever it takes.”
In an interview with Chris Wallace of Fox News last week, Bush said he’d be “glad to help” McCain win over skeptical conservatives if he is the nominee, because "he has a lot of convincing to do to convince people he's a real conservative," to which McCain said “OK, I give up. I'm a liberal."

BREAKING NEWS WE'RE WATCHING: Bush to merge Department of Hypocrisy with Commission on Dirty Tricks.

Apple Designs World's Thinnest Cruise Missile

On the heels of its successful, ultra-thin MacBook Air, the world’s thinnest laptop, Apple this week rolled out its first entry into defense contracting, a tactical cruise-missile that is only 6-inches thick.
The iMissile will not only be able to deliver two miniaturized warheads over a range of 800 nautical miles at a speed of 600 mph, but will also contain an 800 gigabyte hard drive capable of holding 9 million songs or 3,000 movies.
Apple CEO Steve Jobs admitted the Pentagon was not sold on the need for an ultrathin cruise missile, but said he felt confident officials would see it as a vital tool in the war on terror
“The new iMissile allows for greater durability and portability,” said Jobs. “And it looks really cool. Every one of our allies will want to be the first in NATO to have one.”

George Kennedy To Endorse Hillary

Actor’s nod to counter Obama’s Kennedys

Desperate to catch up to archrival Barack Obama in the number of Kennedys endorsing her presidential campaign, Sen. Hillary Clinton announced this week that she had lined up the endorsement of “Airport” actor George Kennedy.
Although he is not a member of the noted political family, the 82-year Kennedy, who also appeared in the classic film “Cool Hand Luke,” is a response to the claim by Obama’s campaign that more Kennedys are endorsing him after Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy and his nieces, Caroline Schlossberg Kennedy and Maria Shriver,as well as Rhode Island Congressman Patrick Kennedy announced their support last week.
Clinton has the support of Robert Kennedy Jr. as well as his sister Kerry Kennedy, the children of slain Senator Robert Kennedy. She also released a list of 160 people named Kennedy who had contributed to her campaign, as well as the mayor of Kennedy, California and a former law clerk to Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy.
A source said Clinton was also “extremely close” to working out an appearance with members of the punk band The Dead Kennedys.
“Clearly, Hillary has what it takes to out-Kennedy anyone,” said the source. “Hillary knows Kennedys, has worked with Kennedys, Kennedys are friends of hers.”
An Obama representative this week responded by saying he expected an endorsement this week from former MTV VJ Kennedy, AKA Lisa Kennedy Montgomery.
In other news, Clinton appeared at a New York rally on the day after the Giants Super Bowl upset victory and declared "I've always been a Giants fan."