Bloomberg Likely To Buy Higher Office

It appears increasingly likely that New York City Mayor and billionaire Michael R. Bloomberg’s people are appraising other rare public offices for his nascent collection.
The founder of Bloomberg LLP, the financial news corporation, Bloomberg put in the winning bid of $70 million in 2001 to become the Big Apple’s 108th chief executive.
Sources said he has reviewed appraisals of public offices in Europe and Asia, but strongly prefers domestic titles.
Bloomberg recently changed his party registration from Republican to Independent, which observers say is a strong sign he may be seeking to acquire the Mona Lisa of all political jobs, the U.S. presidency.

World Officially Goes To Hell In A Handbasket

Neatly contained in an enormous but stylish wicker handbasket, the world officially went to hell this morning, where it is expected to remain for some time.
The presentation had been in the making for decades, but became official this week as the Middle East edged closer to complete chaos with violence in Gaza, Lebanon and Iraq, and the out-of-control climate continued to cook the earth. Also, relations between the United States and Russia, continued to sour, raising the prospect of another cold war as North Korea and Iran edged closer to deploying nuclear weapons.
At the same time, every celebrity in Hollywood went into rehab.
In competing statements, both Democrats and Republicans blamed each other for the demise of world order. But House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, joined by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and spiritual guru Deepak Chopra said it was an immutable, and not unpredictable fact, that President Bush had declined over the deliverance of the modern world into hell.

House Democrats To Set Timetable For Lohan’s Withdrawal From Drugs

Desperate for control after efforts to end the war in Iraq faltered, the Democrat-led House of Representatives voted on Monday to mandate actress Lindsay Lohan’s phased withdrawal from alcohol and cocaine by March, 2009.
The vote was divided along party lines, with Republicans saying Lohan’s hands should not be tied in seeking to end her addictions on her own terms. And in a statement, Vice President Dick Cheney said Lohan’s struggle “was in its final throes” and that she should be given the full support and patience of the American people.
But House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she felt Americans wanted to see a light at the end of the tunnel and were tired of being bombarded by images of the former child star passed out, as well as performing in films like the recent bomb “Georgia Rules.”
“It is the responsibility of Congress to show the American people that their long national nightmare is coming to an end,” said Pelosi.
“Pelosi clearly feels that the Democrats have to flex their muscles to stay relevent,” said Washington political guru Brad Featherstone of the Helmsley Institute.
Capitol Hill sources confirmed this week that the Democrats had also considered a bill requiring a phased withdrawal of Rosie O’Donnell from “The View,” before the co-host resigned on her own from the show, and had also penned a draft resolution requiring CBS to set a deadline to fire Katie Couric from The Evening News if ratings did not improve.
Another bill would have limited presidential candidate Rudolph Giuliani to one position on abortion.