House Democrats To Set Timetable For Lohan’s Withdrawal From Drugs

Desperate for control after efforts to end the war in Iraq faltered, the Democrat-led House of Representatives voted on Monday to mandate actress Lindsay Lohan’s phased withdrawal from alcohol and cocaine by March, 2009.
The vote was divided along party lines, with Republicans saying Lohan’s hands should not be tied in seeking to end her addictions on her own terms. And in a statement, Vice President Dick Cheney said Lohan’s struggle “was in its final throes” and that she should be given the full support and patience of the American people.
But House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she felt Americans wanted to see a light at the end of the tunnel and were tired of being bombarded by images of the former child star passed out, as well as performing in films like the recent bomb “Georgia Rules.”
“It is the responsibility of Congress to show the American people that their long national nightmare is coming to an end,” said Pelosi.
“Pelosi clearly feels that the Democrats have to flex their muscles to stay relevent,” said Washington political guru Brad Featherstone of the Helmsley Institute.
Capitol Hill sources confirmed this week that the Democrats had also considered a bill requiring a phased withdrawal of Rosie O’Donnell from “The View,” before the co-host resigned on her own from the show, and had also penned a draft resolution requiring CBS to set a deadline to fire Katie Couric from The Evening News if ratings did not improve.
Another bill would have limited presidential candidate Rudolph Giuliani to one position on abortion.