Thursday, May 17, 2007

Falwell: The Afterlife Bites

While gratified that his fervent, lifelong belief in the Afterlife was correct, the Rev. Jerry Falwell sent back a bleak assessment of his new home this week.
"It's pretty OK here, I guess," the Moral Majority founder told friends and family via a medium this week. "Everything's super-clean, and the temperature is at a constant balmy 78 degrees or so."
Yet he lamented there was little to do but wander about and talk to other departed souls. "Time doesn't really pass the way it does on Earth," he said. "You start talking to someone and it could be five, ten minutes or 10,000 millennia. You never really know." He said he had heard rumors that golf, fishing and shuffleboard were available somewhere, but had yet to locate those activities. "It feels more like checking into a one-star resort than going on to my eternal reward and finding communion with the Lord and Savior," Falwell sighed.
Most upsetting to the fiery fundamentalist is that he has not yet had an audience with God. "They keep telling me His schedule is packed, someone will get back to me soon," Falwell lamented, adding that the Afterlife was inexplicably filled with believers and non-believers alike, of all different faiths.
"It's like you show up to a show expecting really great seats that you saved up for your whole life and you find out that everyone else has the exact same tickets," said the reverend.
Falwell said he was passing the time, so to speak, by reading the Bible and some old magazines, and was thinking about joining the Aferlife Chorus and chess club.

Stories We're Watching:
U.S. On Missing Iraq Oil: "We Don't Know What The Haliburton Happened To It."


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