Thursday, May 17, 2007

Falwell: The Afterlife Bites

While gratified that his fervent, lifelong belief in the Afterlife was correct, the Rev. Jerry Falwell sent back a bleak assessment of his new home this week.
"It's pretty OK here, I guess," the Moral Majority founder told friends and family via a medium this week. "Everything's super-clean, and the temperature is at a constant balmy 78 degrees or so."
Yet he lamented there was little to do but wander about and talk to other departed souls. "Time doesn't really pass the way it does on Earth," he said. "You start talking to someone and it could be five, ten minutes or 10,000 millennia. You never really know." He said he had heard rumors that golf, fishing and shuffleboard were available somewhere, but had yet to locate those activities. "It feels more like checking into a one-star resort than going on to my eternal reward and finding communion with the Lord and Savior," Falwell sighed.
Most upsetting to the fiery fundamentalist is that he has not yet had an audience with God. "They keep telling me His schedule is packed, someone will get back to me soon," Falwell lamented, adding that the Afterlife was inexplicably filled with believers and non-believers alike, of all different faiths.
"It's like you show up to a show expecting really great seats that you saved up for your whole life and you find out that everyone else has the exact same tickets," said the reverend.
Falwell said he was passing the time, so to speak, by reading the Bible and some old magazines, and was thinking about joining the Aferlife Chorus and chess club.

Stories We're Watching:
U.S. On Missing Iraq Oil: "We Don't Know What The Haliburton Happened To It."

Monday, May 14, 2007

Bush Now Using Every Sentence To Defend War

Battling Congress over continued U.S. presence in Iraq, and with his approval rating streadily dropping, President Bush has taken to using his every utterance to defend the unpopular war, Washington observers have noted.
In a speech on Sunday commemorating of he 400th anniversary of Jamestown, the first English settlement in America, Bush told the crowd: “The advance of freedom is the great story of our time, and new chapters are being written every day, from Georgia and Ukraine, to Kyrgyzstan and Lebanon, to Afghanistan and Iraq. From our own history, we know the path to democracy is long, and it's hard. There are many challenges, and there are setbacks along the way. Yet we can have confidence in the outcome, because we've seen freedom's power to transform societies before.”
Later, in a Mother’s Day call to former first lady Barbara Bush, the president was heard saying “Mothers like you are the reason victory in Iraq is so important. Like our troops, you uphold our values and our way of life.”
That evening, when asked what he wanted for dinner, Bush reportedly said “Although our appetite for victory is large, it requires sacrifices, and so I’ll have something simple, like a sandwich or a salad platter. Maybe some pasta.”