Thousands Absent From Prom Headquarters

Some 4,000 high school prom celebrants have failed to report to Wilkinson Formals on Bay Avenue in Nashua, New Hampshire, despite a sign in the window clearly announcing that it was Prom Headquarters.
"We did have about 15, 16 people come in for tuxes and gowns, but the rest are all AWOL," said owner Bailey Wilkonson, the second generation owner of the shop, who put up the sign as a result of weak prom business over the last 10 years since the opening of Mario's Tuxedoes down the street and the later opening of Risa's Gowns two blocks away.
"When Manny Munson from the sportswear store over on Main put up the sign 'Ammo headquarters' during hunting season, his business went up 40, 50 percent," said Wilkonson.
Buddy Ferris, a senior at Nashua High who was seen getting into a limo on prom night, said he'd never noticed the "headquarters" sign at Wilkonson.
"I was too busy loading up at Beer Headquarters and Condom Central," said Ferris.

Hundreds Mobilize To Find Lost Puppy

Hundreds of people in Shenandoah, Pennsylvania left their homes on Sunday following word that an area resident, 7-yar-old Jackie Shepard, had lost his Labrador pup, Felix.
Breaking up into teams, the volunteers scoured a 20-mile radius around Jackie’s home over the past three days, canvassing homes and stores and plastering towns with flyers.
“This really pulled at people’s heartstrings,” said Ben Pardsley, a sherrif’s deputy in Shenandoah who helped organize the volunteers and tracked their progress by sector.
Reporters from several local television stations and three major newspapers covered the search and donations poured in around the clock until about $33,000 was raised for the Find Felix Foundation.
“It was really touching,” said Jackie’s father, Frank, as his son played with his three remaining dogs in their backyard. “For so many people, seeing that boy reunited with his puppy became their mission, their purpose in life.’
The search came to a happy conclusion late Wednesday night when Felix was found about two miles away from his home by a man who had seen the flyers and called a special hotline. He was given a $10,000 reward. Frank Shepard said the remaining funds would probably be used to build doghouses for disadvantaged kids who can’t afford them.
Jackie Shepherd thanked the volunteers and said he most likely would put the dog up for adoption, since he had grown more attached to another puppy during Felix’s absence.
In other news, some 60,000 people are dead after an earthquake in China that came one week after 15,000 people died from a cyclone in Myanmar. Relief efforts are underway for the survivors.

New Hillary Spokesman Says Obama Is "History"

In his first press conference as spokesman for Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton's presidential campaign, former Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Al-Sahhaf said Clinton's Democratic rival Barack Obama was "finished, history, gone. Yesterday's news."

Al-Shahaf, who earned the name Comical Ali for his assertive pronouncements of Iraqi victory over the coalition forces after the 2003 invasion, insisted that Clinton was well on her way to clinching the Democratic nomination.
"Obama's a flash in the pan, last week's paper," said Al-Shahaf. "Next week, people will be asking who is that guy Obama, his name sounds familiar ..."
Asked how he could explain Obama's lead in delegates, superdelegates, poll numbers and fundraising, al-Shahaf insisted "the delegates are with Hillary, the fundraisers are with Hillary, the American people are with Hillary, even the voters on American Idol are voting for Hillary. The infidel Obama has been vanquished, victory is ours."
Also joining Hillary's campaign this week was former NBC News4 New York news anchor Sue Simmons, who was fired this week after an incident involving on-air obscenity. When asked about her role, Simmons said "What the f**k do you think my motherf***ing role is? I'm going to help kick Obama's f***ing ass, you f***ing piece of s**t!"

Clintons Refuse To Concede Bridge Game

Police were called to a home in Chappaqua, N.Y. last night after Bill and Hillary Clinton refused to concede that a partners bridge game with some friends was over and that they had lost.
“The American people don’t quit and so we will not quit,” said Sen. Hillary Clinton as police tried to convince them to leave quietly.
Jim and Bev Kulverman, who live down the street from the Clintons, tried to explain that it they had prevailed because they had won the superior amount of tricks, but the Clintons repeatedly insisted that they could still prevail.
“We kept trying to explain to them that there’s just no such thing as supertricks, never was,” said Jim Kulverman. “They kept saying they were in it till the end. Even after it was the end. We put away the snacks, kept saying we had be up early the next day, and they just wanted to keep playing.”
The Clintons eventually were convinced by police to go home, but police said they responded again several hours later to the Clintons’ home when Hillary refused to concede that she had lost to Bill at Gin Rummy.

BREAKING: SuperDelegates Save Thousands From Massive Earthquake

A massive earthquake shook the southwest on Monday, but widescale death and destruction was avoided when superdelegates took to the skies, using their powers to rescue thousands from peril.

“We’re not supposed to use our powers until the convention, but this was a catastrophe,” said Ed Shedly of Tucson, Ariz., after plucking a schoolbus from the precipice of a shattered bridge spanning the Colorado River.
Another superdelegate, Phil Farisco of Albuquerque, took even more drastic action by sealing a fissure in the earth’s crust with his heat vision. “There I was, sitting around trying to decide if I was going to support Hillary or Obama, when the ground starts shaking,” said Farisco. “I didn’t even think about, just grabbed my cape and flew out the window.’
Many of the superdelegates did not identify themselves after they performed such feats as preventing speeding trains from derailing, suspending toppling skyscrapers and, in one case, hastily constructing a new runway with superspeed after the one at Reno/Tahoe International Airport was destroyed. This allowed 17 flights short on fuel to land safely.
“It’s all in a day’s work for a superdelegate,” said one woman who declined to reveal her secret identity. “And compared to getting Hillary to drop out of the race, it’s child’s play.”

New York Legislators Pass Sexual History Disclosure Act Of 2008

New York politicians must disclose every detail of their sexual history and a list of their partners, along with dates and places and descriptions of their relationships under the landmark Sexual Disclosure Act of 2008.
"The people have a right to know who's doing who, where, how many times, is it legal, are they married, and was it good, before it gets to the papers," said Assemblyman Fred Garvin of Westchester, the sponsor of the bill.
The bill faced heavy opposition from Republicans, but in the end many of them decided to abstain from the vote. "I guess we'll all have to get used to abstaining," said one state senator.
Gov. David Paterson, who recently admitted that both he and his wife have had extramarital affairs, said he would sign the bill because it was good policy, adding that "I'm also really curious to compare notes with some of these people."
Democratic Senator Maddy Walker, above, said she would happily comply with the bill, because "in a way, when you elect someone, you're electing everyone they've ever slept with."

Corporation Hires First Non Detail-Oriented Employee

Reversing a longstanding hiring practice, DHG Creative Arts Imaging Inc. this week hired a person who admitted to not being “detail-oriented” despite the company’s stated preference for such employees in its advertising.
Hugh H. Lazar, who will oversee the company’s digital production division, told executives at the company that he often accomplishes most of his tasks within the parameters described in job descriptions, but not always.
“For instance, if you said I had to produce multi-colored graphics presentation materials according to established quality control guidelines and according to a predetermined budget and timeline, I can assure you that I’d get some kind of job out to you reasonably fast and similar to what you had in mind,” Lazar said. “Particulars are really not my thing.”
But in an attempt to diversify its workforce, DGH decided it was time to include both detail-oriented and non detail-oriented Americans.
“We want a staff that looks like America,” said director of human resources Phil La Blanca said Tuesday. “We see that non detail oriented people are making all kinds of strides in the workplace, and we wanted to be a part of that.”
La Blanca said the company would continue reviewing its diversity goals, and was now considering hiring employees who are not self-starters.

Legislators Outraged That Spitzer Got Caught

Albany legislators this week expressed widespread outrage that Gov. Eliot Spitzer was caught patronizing high-price prostitutes.
“There is absolutely no excuse for getting caught with prostitutes,” said Sen. Martin Kelleher, a Republican from Oneonta. “It is a disgrace to those of us in the capital that have never been caught spending thousands of dollars cheating on our wives with carefully screened prostitutes through an agency we thought was safe.”
Added Gary Bernstein, a Democrat from Brooklyn, “Everyone knows better than that. If there’s one thing you learn in Albany on Day 1, it’ never, ever get caught with prostitutes.”
A spokesman for the state’s Republican committee said on Wednesday that his party was proud to be “the party of men who have never been caught with prostitutes. And I expect that after this scandal, our members will be working very hard to ensure that that continues.”
Democrat Ronald Saunders, a state Assemblyman from Long Island, said he was looking on the bright side. “I’m sure that a lot of us will be studying this whole mess very closely to see what we can learn from it,” said Saunders. “There are quite a few lessons here that can be very informative for those of us who have never been caught with prostitutes .”
In related news, industry sources said prostitution across the country has suffered a 34 percent decline since Monday, when Spitzer's scandal erupted. "We're going to have to introduce some new safeguards and initiatives to bring back our client base," said Quentin "Pappy" Kensington, proprietor of a New York prostitution emporium.

Cantorelli Wins Station Car 500

With steam spraying from its radiator, Willy Cantorelli’s 1993 Toyota Carolla sailed across the finish line of the 9th Annual Station Car 500 today, narrowly edging out defending champion Larry Ferguson in his 1996 Chevy Corsica.
Two hundred and eighty fans at the Roosevelt Field Mall parking lot in Garden City New York cheered an unusually tight race this year, with 55 station cars competing for the coveted Station Car 500 Spill-proof Coffee Mug.
Cantorelli entered the race knowing his fan belt was failing but said he couldn’t have it replaced because of alimony payments to his first wife and pending orthodontic treatments for his daughter.
“This baby’s never let me down before,” said Cantorelli, 41, an insurance agent from Syosset, noting the Carolla’s 96,786-mile odometer reading.
Ferguson, 47, an office supply salesman from Ronkonkoma, completed the race with three worn tires and one temporary “doughnut” tire because, he said, he was $15 short of the cost of a new set of radials and his credit cards were maxed out.
Ten of the 55 cars broke down during the race and pulled over to the side to call AAA. A Jeep Cherokee driven by Kelvin Pritchard, 56, an accountant from Stamford, Conn., burst into flames when a fuel line ruptured at the same time the electrical system shorted out. Pritchard completed the race after being picked up by Speed-Dial Car Service.
The race is open to suburban railroad commuters. To qualify as station cars, vehicles must be made before 2000, have moderate to extensive body damage, mismatched tires and/or mileage exceeding 85,000.
Both Cantorelli and Ferguson are expected to compete next month in the Nearly Repossessed Minivan and SUV 500 in Scotch Plains, NJ, in which they will race their wives’ cars.

Clemens Tosses Bat At Steroids Committee

In a repeat of an infamous incident at the 2000 World Series, an enraged Roger Clemens tossed a jagged bat at lawmakers investigating steroid use on Capitol Hill Thursday.
“I don’t know how the hell he got that thing past security,” said Ron Senally, an aide to Rep Rick Sanchez of Florida, who was in the room at the time. “He just got up and tossed that thing just like he did at Mike Piazza.”
The bat sailed harmlessly over the legislators and bounced off a wall as security guards escorted the Cy Young-winner, who most recently pitched for the Yankees, out of the room. He later said the incident was “unfortunate” but did not apologize.
After a break, Clemens returned to the hearing, and began hurling lies and half-truths at a record-breaking 96 mph.

BREAKINGS NEWS WE'RE WATCHING: 13 Umpires,4 General Managers Suspended For Steroid Use

Republicans Begin Race To Not Be Endorsed By Bush

With President George W. Bush making his first public comments on the election this week, the three remaining Republican White House candidates have begun their efforts to not be endorsed by him.
“I have always believed Governor Huckabee was the best person to win the president’s support,” said Arizona Sen. John McCain, the GOP frontrunner on Sunday. “In fact, I think the president should be out campaigning for him every day.”
Huckabee, in turn, told reporters that Texas congressman Ron Paul should get the nod of the president, whose 30 percent approval rating is at an all-time low.
“I’m already at 30 percent,” Huckabee said. “It’s Ron Paul that really needs the help. Seriously. I won’t hold it against the president at all if he backs Paul.”
When asked his reaction, Paul said “Either one of those guys, realistically, is more in synch with the president than I am. I really think he ought to do whatever he can for McCain or Huckabee. Bring em into the Oval Office, fundraise for them, whatever it takes.”
In an interview with Chris Wallace of Fox News last week, Bush said he’d be “glad to help” McCain win over skeptical conservatives if he is the nominee, because "he has a lot of convincing to do to convince people he's a real conservative," to which McCain said “OK, I give up. I'm a liberal."

BREAKING NEWS WE'RE WATCHING: Bush to merge Department of Hypocrisy with Commission on Dirty Tricks.

Apple Designs World's Thinnest Cruise Missile

On the heels of its successful, ultra-thin MacBook Air, the world’s thinnest laptop, Apple this week rolled out its first entry into defense contracting, a tactical cruise-missile that is only 6-inches thick.
The iMissile will not only be able to deliver two miniaturized warheads over a range of 800 nautical miles at a speed of 600 mph, but will also contain an 800 gigabyte hard drive capable of holding 9 million songs or 3,000 movies.
Apple CEO Steve Jobs admitted the Pentagon was not sold on the need for an ultrathin cruise missile, but said he felt confident officials would see it as a vital tool in the war on terror
“The new iMissile allows for greater durability and portability,” said Jobs. “And it looks really cool. Every one of our allies will want to be the first in NATO to have one.”

George Kennedy To Endorse Hillary

Actor’s nod to counter Obama’s Kennedys

Desperate to catch up to archrival Barack Obama in the number of Kennedys endorsing her presidential campaign, Sen. Hillary Clinton announced this week that she had lined up the endorsement of “Airport” actor George Kennedy.
Although he is not a member of the noted political family, the 82-year Kennedy, who also appeared in the classic film “Cool Hand Luke,” is a response to the claim by Obama’s campaign that more Kennedys are endorsing him after Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy and his nieces, Caroline Schlossberg Kennedy and Maria Shriver,as well as Rhode Island Congressman Patrick Kennedy announced their support last week.
Clinton has the support of Robert Kennedy Jr. as well as his sister Kerry Kennedy, the children of slain Senator Robert Kennedy. She also released a list of 160 people named Kennedy who had contributed to her campaign, as well as the mayor of Kennedy, California and a former law clerk to Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy.
A source said Clinton was also “extremely close” to working out an appearance with members of the punk band The Dead Kennedys.
“Clearly, Hillary has what it takes to out-Kennedy anyone,” said the source. “Hillary knows Kennedys, has worked with Kennedys, Kennedys are friends of hers.”
An Obama representative this week responded by saying he expected an endorsement this week from former MTV VJ Kennedy, AKA Lisa Kennedy Montgomery.
In other news, Clinton appeared at a New York rally on the day after the Giants Super Bowl upset victory and declared "I've always been a Giants fan."

Dozens Of Votes Up For Grabs As Dennis Kucinich Drops Out Of Democratic Primary

The race was on this week to pick up dozens of supporters left in the lurch after Ohio congressman Dennis Kucinich dropped out of the Democratic presidential contest.
A spokesman for North Carolina Sen. John Edwards said “we will spend untold minutes and hundreds of dollars to pick up the support of Congressman Kucinich,” while Sen. Barack Obama’s campaign offered to take the supporters to an Arby’s in Akron to talk it over.
Sen. Hillary Clinton deferred comment about Kucinich, but her husband, Bill, said “that horndog was the runt of the litter. It don’t make no never mind.” Several hours later, after speaking to his wife, he amended his statement to say “we have the greatest respect for Rep. Kucinich and wish him well. We are certain his supporters will recognize that Hillary Clinton is the best person to lead America forward.”

Other Gaining Big In Key States

With primary season in full swing, voters in several key, early primary states are reacting to the campaigns of the major candidates in both parties by embracing "other" in political polls.
Other surged 16 points in the last two weeks in Iowa, 18 points in New Hampshire, 12 points in Florida, and 20 points in South Carolina.
“Other has substantial momentum,” said pollster Craig Billings of Iowa State University. “We could be looking at an upset in any one of these states.”
A spokesman for Other2008, Philip J. Hickley, said the surge was particularly impressive since Other has no campaign offices or field efforts and has raised no money. “People are looking for alternatives, and that’s what we’re all about,” said Hickley.
Reacting to the news, a spokesman for Democrat Sen. Barak Obama said other’s position on the Iraq war was “hazy and inconsistent,” while the campaign of Republican Mike Huckabee said the American public needed to know more about other’s family values.

Dems Low-Key At 612th Debate

Democratic candidates refrained from attacking each other, gave mostly one-word answers and showed signs of fatigue at last night’s presidential debate, the 612th of the primary election season.
“Yeah, whatever,” said former Sen. John Edwards when asked if he would campaign for any of the other candidates should they get the nomination.
“If you say so,” said Illinois Barak Obama when asked if his position against the Iraq war showed some signs of inconsistency.
Toward the end of the debate, Obama and Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton were seen playing cards.
When asked whom she might select as a running mate, Clinton delayed her answer a few moments while looking at her cards and said “him,” pointing to Obama. “I know we’ve had our differences, but somewhere around debate 526 and 527 I realized a lot of his positions make some sense. Plus he’s really good at gin and spit.”
“Got any twos?” Obama responded.
When asked about his position on gun control, Sen. Joe Biden, awakened by an aide, said, through a yawn, “My position on that hasn’t changed since this morning’s debate. We need better screening and tougher enforcement.”
The only candidate who seemed animated and energetic was Congressman Dennis Kucinich. With four empty cans of Red Bull on his podium, Kucinich at one point shouted that “Stagnant wages, expensive health care and rising education costs are vital issues being ignored by the Congress and White House! My opponents in this race aren’t part of the solution, so they’re part of the problem.”
During time allotted for rebuttal, Biden said “I’m with the short guy on that.”
“Yeah,” said Senator Chris Dodd. “What’s his name has it all right.”
To which Clinton added: “Gin!”

China To Export Actual Crap

After years of foisting crappy merchandise on the American public, China announced this week that it will begin sending actual crap here by the middle of next year.
“We think the market for crap in America is quite large,” said Deng Xiu, a spokesman for the Chinese Trade Council. “If people will buy kids toys covered in lead or coated with a date-rape drug or asbestos, or dog food that kills your dog, they’ll buy anything.”
Chinese sources said they were still exploring the best ways to harvest and ship the crap and what type of profit margin to seek.
Reaction on Capitol Hill was swift. “This afternoon I will be introducing the China Ant-Crap Amendment to existing trade agreements,” said Sen. Charles Schumer of Brooklyn. “Essentially, it says to China: we’re fed up of taking your crap.”

Greenspan Shocker: “I Had No F---ing” Clue

In a bombshell revelation, former federal reserve chairman Alan Greenspan writes in his new memoir, “The Age Of Turbulence,” that he dropped out of college, lied about his credentials and really doesn’t know the first thing about economics.
“Man, I padded my resume like the seats of a Volvo,” admits the man who, for 19 years in Washington, could affect consumer confidence and shake up Wall Street with his every pronouncement.
Greenspan was an unemployed drifter looking for work as a saxophone player who had dropped out of New York University in the mid-1940s when he began to offer his advice about money to those few friends who had some. “A friend of one friend, who was working toward his MBA, once remarked that what I was saying sounded a lot like laissez-faire capitalism, and I said, “You’re damned right it does.”
It was then, Greenspan said, that he started telling people he had advanced degrees in economics and ultimately won a job at a New York-based think tank, The Conference Board. He then served more than 30 years as chairman and president of Townsend-Greenspan & Co., Inc., an economic consulting firm in New York City, and as chairman of the Council of Economic Advisers under President Gerald Ford before being tapped for the Fed job by Ronald Reagan. He was renominated in 2002 by President George W. Bush.
Greenspan said he often worried about his past catching up to him, but quickly learned “in Washington, it’s amazing how easy you can get away with being a clueless buffoon masquerading as an important leader making world-changing decisions.”

Coming Up: Area Man Could Give A Crap About His Carbon Footprint

Cop On Horse Draws Thousands To Times Square

New York’s Times Square was swarming in tourists this week as word spread that the area features a police officer mounted on a horse.
“Unbelievable,” said Morris Oskey of Crest Oaks, Delaware, one of several people gathered around the police officer Monday to take digital photos with his cell-phone camera.
“It’s an actual cop on an actual, living breathing horse,” added Oskey as the horse performed a bodily function other than breathing, causing the crowd to gasp in delight and awe.
Another tourist, Cynthia Maynard, who lives in South Hadley, Massachusetts, said that when she first saw Sgt. Ray Iannova and his horse, Kojak, on 45th Street and 7th Avenue, she ran across the street to the NYPD substation in the middle of Times Square to ask if the rider was a real police officer.
“They said he was – with a real badge and working gun,” Maynard gushed. “They said he’s even allowed to write tickets and arrest people.”
“See, the thing is, we don’t need horses anymore,” said Phillip Krebs, a visitor from Wallingford, Connecticut. “We can use cars and motorcycles and bicycles .. it’s not like the olden days. And here’s this cop who chooses to be on a horse. How cool is that?”
After allowing the civilians to be photographed alongside Kojak, Iannova dazzled the crowd with a demonstration of how he could get Kojak to gently step backward, then turn and gallop away. “It’s just like the movies,” one woman shouted.
The crowd of tourists lingered on the spot for another hour, hoping in vain to snap a picture of whoever it was who cleaned up the horse’s manure.
“This is what makes America great and New York the greatest goddam city in the world,” said Queens-born Andrew Gillespie, now living in Chicago but visiting friends in town this week. “Where else you gonna see something like this? Canada?”

Bloomberg Likely To Buy Higher Office

It appears increasingly likely that New York City Mayor and billionaire Michael R. Bloomberg’s people are appraising other rare public offices for his nascent collection.
The founder of Bloomberg LLP, the financial news corporation, Bloomberg put in the winning bid of $70 million in 2001 to become the Big Apple’s 108th chief executive.
Sources said he has reviewed appraisals of public offices in Europe and Asia, but strongly prefers domestic titles.
Bloomberg recently changed his party registration from Republican to Independent, which observers say is a strong sign he may be seeking to acquire the Mona Lisa of all political jobs, the U.S. presidency.