Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Americans Intrigued, Grossed Out By Letterman’s Sex Life

As details of David Letterman’s affairs with "Late Night" staff members emerge, Americans are increasingly drawn to the spectacle, much as they are drawn to horrific car crashes and train wrecks.
"It’s gross that these young girls would sleep with that old, ugly guy," said Kelly Shapiro, 29, an associate account manager at Fairbanks Advertising in Manhattan. "But at the same time I want to know more. Like where, and how often, and, like, did he need Viagra?"
Ben Herlihy, 53, a night manager at the Friendly’s at the Roosevelt Field Mall in Long Island, said he was eagerly waiting for more details about Letterman’s technique.
"Not every middle-aged, not-so attractive guy in a position of authority gets to sleep with the young, hot, often scantily clad women that he works with," said Herlihy as he straightened his combover. "I for one would like to know ho he pulled it off. You know, just for curiosity sake."
Meanwhile, the man who allegedly tried to blackmail Letterman, Joe Halderman, was interviewed by the cable TV show "What The Hell Were You Thinking?"
"I guess it just didn’t occur to me that threatening to tell the world that a 62-year-old ugly dude was shtupping girls in their 30s was kind of on the dumb-ass side, and that he might just call my bluff," said Halderman.
In related news, Letterman’s ratings have increased by 30 percent and he is reportedly in discussions to write a new book, tentatively titled "Tonight's Top 10 Trysts."