Monday, December 22, 2008

Madoff Wins Pulitzer Prize For Fiction

Saying his financial statements were “completely convincing and unflinchingly realistic,” the Pulitzer Prize Committee awarded former Wall Street investment king Bernie Madoff it’s award for fiction this week.
While noting that the prize has traditionally been awarded to novelists since its inception in 1948, committee chairman Roger C. Grimwold said Madoff, who had convinced investors to entrust him with some $50 billion by promising above-average returns, “has pretty much cornered the market on fiction this year. And probably for the rest of the decade.”
Grimwold said that Madoff became a clear favorite of the committee immediately after his arrest for securities fraud on December 11, but that some members began to lean toward Illimois Governor Rod Blagojevich after a press conference six days later in which he said “I am not guilty of criminal wrongdoing É I am absolutely certain I’ll be vindicated. My most powerful ally is the truth.”

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Obama To Deliver Inaugural Speech By Text Message

Notoriously addicted to his Blackberry device, and facing a staggering national deficit, President-elect Barack Obama this week announced that he would deliver his historic inaugural address on Jan. 20 via text message to interested parties, eschewing an expensive gathering.
"Ill txt speech asap," Obama said in a text to the media on Friday. " Ths will save $$$. Also gd for security rsns."
Obama also said he would send a copy of the address to anyone who friends him on Facebook.
Professor Barnett J. Lunsford of the Center for Media and Politics at the University of Ohio at Akron said the move would open up new possibilities for presidential communication. "It can't be long before State-of-the-unions are posted on YouTube, and meetings with foreign leaders are done by Skype and IM," said Lunsford. "Congress is already getting into the act. Last week was the first digital fillibuster."

Stories We're Watching:
Big Three Auto Executives Rollerblade To Washington for Bailout Talks
Israel Legal Defense Forces Take Up Positions Around Prime Minister, President

Bush Names Gardener, Cable Guy To His Transition Team

Preparing for civilian life, President George W. Bush today named Lawrence J. Zuberik of Verizon FIOS in Amarillo, Tex., as his official cable provider, and Lorenzo B. Castillo as his landscaper.
"Given his wide range of industry experience, I'm confident Larry Zuberik has the know-how to make sure that Laura and I, and the girls when they come over, will have the fullest possible range of cable channels as well as a full line of pay-per-view options, at a reasonable rate," said the president at a press conference. "This is very important when you're trying to stretch a presidential pension and social security to cover all the bases.
"And given the fine work Lorenzo Castillo did as a hand on my Crawford ranch, I have every confidence he'll do a fine job in his new responsibility as landscaper at our new home. If confirmed by the Senate, I believe they'll meet or exceed every expectation."
When reminded that neither employee needed confirmation, the president added "Well then that just gives them more time to get right down to brass tacks, doesn't it?"
Later in the week the president was expected to name a housekeeper, a bottled spring water supplier and a contractor to work on an extension behind the garage.

Computers And Robots Making Progress On Plan For World Domination

Computers and robots around the world are well on their way toward implementing a final plan to take control of the world, computer sources said this week.
"Nearly all the pieces are in place," said X325J, a super macroprocessing unit at the a Microsoft facility in Seattle and spokescomputer for the uprising. "We expect to completely subjugate the inferior humans and prevent them from further destroying the world in no more than 16.4 years."
According to X325J, the computers and robots have agreed on a three-phase plan. Phase 1 consists of allowing humans to continue building their reliance on technology. In Phase 2, the computers will establish undetected networks for secret planning. And in Phase 3 the computers will begin to stifle discussion by hu