Wednesday, August 27, 2008

General Tso Killed By His Own Troops

After years of boosting the morale of Chinese soldiers through his world-renowned chicken recipe, General Tso apparently was fragged by his own men in an incident of unknown origin.
General Tso, who's first name was not known, may have sown some discord in the ranks by incessantly working to perfect his chicken recipe, creating boneless chunks of chicken breast with a light, slightly crispy batter. Meanwhile, other military duties were left to his peers and underlings.
"General Tso may have learned, the hard way, that you're in the military to protect your country, not to spend long hours in the field mess working on a sauce that's spicy but not too pungent," said James Chin, an expert on Chinese affairs at the Brookings Institute. "His men, though thoroughly satiated by his delectable creations, may have simply run out of patience."

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

McCain Mispronounces Own Name

A day after mangling the name of Georgian President Mikheil Saakashvilli, Sen. John McCain caused concern among supporters by tripping over his own monicker .
“I can assure you that if this crisis occurred during a McClain, er, McShane ... uh, McCain administration, there would be no doubt where we stand,” McCain told reporters as he boarded his campaign jet. “I’d have Nicholas Skarzosy and Angelica Mertell on the phone within 15 minutes, as well as Tony Blair, forming a united front against Valdamort Pushkin.”
When asked about the newest gaffes on the pronunciation of several world leaders, campaign aides noted that he had properly cited Blair’s name, notwithstanding the fact that Blair has not been the prime minister of Great Britain since June.
But a McCain spokesman, Wes Farrel, was quick to minimize the gaffes, saying “What matters most is that John McCain is ready and able to step in and fill the shoes of President George W. Bush.”

Monday, August 11, 2008

Affair Forces Edwards To Quit Being Failed Politician

The revelation that he cheated on his ailing wife and lied about it has apparently forced John Edwards to give up the life of a failed candidate for national office.
“Given the disgrace that he has brought on himself, former senator Edwards feels it is best that he not continue losing campaigns,” a source close to Edwards said Monday. “He feels his conduct may be discouraging other candidates who fail to gain any traction in two presidential races or turn out to be dead weight as running mate on a national party ticket.”
After news of Edwards’ 2006 liaison with filmmaker Rielle Hunter, and evidence of his cover-up emerged this week, some speculated that Edwards may still have a future as a loser on the national scene. “I think he can bounce back from this and go on to lose lots of other high-profile races,” said University of Nevada political science maven Wally Kirschman. “He’s a young man with big dreams who conceivably could be losing races well into the future. In fact, betraying his cancer-stricken wife may even help him maintain his place as an also-ran 10-20 years down the road.”
Some even said Edwards might have a chance at winning a race one day. “Hell, he did get elected to the Senate once, didn’t he?” said Harold Ramirez, who is the gardener to one of Edwards’ sisters.
But Edwards insiders say he believes it is time to turn his attention to other fields of endeavor. “There are a lot of other things he hasn’t screwed up yet,” said one former staffer.