Robertson Says God Won't Let Him Apologize

Evangelist and self-styled prophet Pat Robertson said today that he'd like to apologize for saying that God made Israeli prime minister Ariel Sharon suffer a stroke, but God won't let him.
"I brought it up with Him yesterday, but He was dead-set against it," Robertson said during his latest TV sermon. "And you don't ask The Lord twice."
From the White House to Jerusalem and around the world, Robertson was panned for his claim that Sharon's health problems were divine retribution for his ceding the Israeli-held Gaza Strip to the Palestinians.
"God hears what those people are saying," Robertson said. "But He knows who's right."
Robertson recommended that the critics pipe down. "There's more than one arrow in His bow, if you know what I mean," he said.
When asked why Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and North Korea's Kim Jong Il, both aspiring to be rogue nuclear powers, appeared to be in perfect health, Robertson said "I'll get back to you on that."

Alito's Wife Cries, Leaves Screening of "Brokeback Mountain"
Martha-Ann Bomgardner, the wife of Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito, stormed out of a screening of the gay-cowboy flick "Brokeback Mountain" Wednesday night, apparently overcome by emotion. But she soon regained her composure and went back inside, saying she couldn't stay away.
"I wish I knew how to quit this movie," sobbed Mrs. Bomgarder. "But it's just too good."
The incident occurred just hours after Mrs. Bomgardner stormed out of the Senate hearing chamber in which her husband was being questioned by members of the Judiciary Committee. Mrs. Bomgardner became emotional when her husband was facetiously asked by Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-South Carolina) if he was a closet bigot.
"I can assure you, he has nothing whatsoever against closets or any people who may live in them," she said.
After the movie Mrs. Bomgardner was reported to have broken into tears again when she visited Baskin-Robbins and was told they were out of cookies-and-cream.

Pitt-Jolie Love Child Offered Three-Picture Deal

The unborn -- and recently confirmed -- love child of actors Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie is being flooded with offers for movie projects, including a three-picture, play-or-pay deal with Columbia Tristar Pictures."We don't know what this kid's name is, if it's a boy or girl, if it can act, or even if it exists," said a studio insider. "But who cares? Just look at the DNA pool it's coming from. It's almost genetically guaranteed to put asses in the seats."Pitt and Jolie, who have each been named sexiest man and woman alive by People magazine, are rumored to be expecting a child in six months, and have said nothing to confirm or deny the reports."That fetus needs and agent, quick!" said veteran Hollywood reporter Clyde Lockwood. "He or she or whatever the hell it is is gonna get more offers in utero than Christian Slater's had in his damn career."Offers could go as high as $25 million dollars, which would be a record deal for a fetus. "Then again," said Lockwood, "a nickel would be a record for a fetus."