Stories To Watch

Khadaffy Possibly Even Closer To Maybe Being Out Soon

2011-08-24T06:55:00.000-07:00

As Libyan troops stormed into Moumar Khadaffy's compound and took control of Tripoli, sources told us they are pretty sure he'll likely be out of power, possibly, very soon.

"Khadaffy's history," said one rebel leader. "But ... don't hold me to that."

Rebel forces for the last week have been saying the crumble of the tyrannical Khaddafy's 30-year rule as imminent, and are likely to say so tomorrow and the next day.

"We're kind of more confident today that we were yesterday, which was less than the day before but we still have a pretty good feeling about this," said the rebel leader.

Khadaffy's whereabouts have been unknown for about a week and rebel forces have complained that the besieged dictator seems to have a strong aversion to being deposed.

"We've got everything we need for a really fabulous coup," said another rebel leader. "Except for the guy we're taking out. That's kind of important." He then provided an 800 number for tips on Khadaffy's location, with a five oil-barrel reward.

Stories To Watch correspondent Shawn Ferguson, reporting from Benghazi, said people dancing in the streets and firing bullets in the air have been chanting "Today is Khadaffy's last day -- or possibly tomorrow. Next week at the latest."

In a statement, U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said "the potential removal of Mouammar Khaddafy, when and if in fact that does happen in the near future, would be a positive step and, in such an eventuality, this administration will hypothetically welcome said developments."

Clinton added that she wasn't at all worried about the prospect of a rogue, oil -rich nation with no government.

Mom Thrilled With New $500 iSolitaire Player

2010-11-04T17:39:00.000-07:00

Marcia Kellerman of Ossining, NY, is "just thrilled" about the new gadget her kids gave her last week enabling her to play solitaire just about any place she likes.

The $500 Apple 8-gigabyte iPad with a 9-inch display, one-gigahertz processor, front and back facing 5 megapixel cameras and Wi-Fi was a birthday present from her daughter, Allison, and son, Hayden.

"I can play solitaire on the front porch, the back porch, the kitchen, the den, the living room," said Kellerman, 62. "It works without even being plugged in. And I never have to go looking for a deck of cards."

Kellerman said she was waiting for her grandson Randall to come home from college so he could "explain how to maybe play other games, like bridge or Go Fish."
Kellerman said the gift was the best she had received since the $200 3G equipped 16 gigabyte iPhone, with a two-year voice and data plan from AT&T, which she calls the "pocket clock."

Kellerman's son said he was thinking of getting himself one of the Apple tablet devices, which he called the "Angry Birds Player."

Pointless Jewish Organization Died Six Years Ago, Someone Realizes

2010-08-04T14:20:00.000-07:00

The Council of Jewish American Committees and Federations, which was formed for some reason or other during the mid-20th century, quietly blinked out of existence about six years ago, someone noticed the other day.

The COJACAF in its heyday had 12 regional offices, 300 full-time employees, a budget of $6.8 million dollars and 18 executives, and as near as anyone can figure, had something to do with raising money to fund new Jewish organizations.

The organization's demise was discovered by Fred Zebowsky, a lay leader of the Organization of American Jewish Council Chairs who was concerned that his emails and invitations to the annual Max Shindlerheim Memorial Golf Tournament had gone unanswered.

Zebowsky said he immediately phoned the executive chair of OAJCC to discuss his findings, only to find that that organization had closed the previous day.

"People have been warning for years that there's too many Jewish organizations," said Zebowsky. "It was supposed to be addressed this year at the general assembly of the Coalition of American Councils of Jewish Council Chairs in Boca. But the National Jewish Policy Committee didn't put it on the agenda in time."

A requests for comment from the NJPC was referred to the North American Committee of Jewish Organizational Spokesmen, but there was no response at press time.

Man Expelled From Geek Squad After Having Sex

2010-06-22T15:18:00.000-07:00

A 20-year-old college student from Larchmont, N.Y., was fired from his part-time job with a local Best Buy's troubleshooting Geek Squad after a superior found out that he had had sex, the employee alleges and the store confirms.

Ryan Holksted, a junior at Rochester Institute of Technology, had boasted to his friends about the night he lost his virginity following a wild party at the dorm. When one of his co-workers at the computer help desk told their supervisor, Glenn Mableson, Holksted was immediately fired.

"Having a sex life is a violation of our Geek Squad image," the store said in a statement. "If it gets around that our employees get around, no one will believe they can fix your computer. Everyone knows that only geeks who can't get laid have the time to figure out technical stuff."

Holksted said he tried to convince Mableson that, despite his deflowerment, he was still a geek, engaging him in a legnthy conversation about the similarities between installments of the "Harry Potter" and "Lord of the Rings" franchises, but to no avail. He said he is considering legal action.

Prof. Wallace Sonnenshein of the University of Wisconsin law school said he thought Best Buy was on solid ground. "When he violated that freshman, he also violated his terms of employment," said Sonnenshein. "If he was really a geek, he would have had them memorized."

Half-Assed Support For Troops On The Rise

2010-05-31T10:13:00.000-07:00

Denny Farriday of Spokane, Wash., bought a pair of red, white and blue bows at the checkout of the local Stop And Save the other day, and would have hung them on his porch, but his college buddy Kenny, who he hasn't talked to since Christmas, called just when he was walking in.

Debby Fellesini of Bethlehem, Penn., bought one of those yellow Support Our Troops ribbons at a Walgreen's and slapped it on the back of her minivan, where it remained for six hours before her four year-old-son, Harrison, removed it, took it to his room and dropped it in his gerbil cage.

All across America this Memorial Day, people are increasingly taking seconds out of their busy lives to kind of think about the troops who were cut down in the prime of their lives in often senseless, poorly defined military operations in the name of preserving democracy and the American way of life. Sometimes they even show it with actions.

Michelle Kinderson of Macon, Ga., took her hat off on the way to getting her nails done as a car with an American flag flying from its antenna drove past. Bill Sompers of Camden, N.J., made a point of taking his family to eat at the All American Diner on Elm Place, even though it was three miles from the place they usually eat and a cheeseburger costs 80 cents more.

"Sometimes you have to show you've got that spirit," said Sompers, who added that he also takes his kids to a local Army-Navy store on Memorial Day to buy fishing gear instead of Wal-Mart.

Craig Fogel of Queens, NY, wanted to display an American flag on his front porch but couldn't find one, and couldn't get out of the house because he was watching his annoying little brother, so he placed Bruce Springsteen's "Born In The USA" album cover in his living room window. "It's got the flag right on it," said Fogel.

With conflicts still raging in Iraq and Afghanistan, Americans today are feeling somewhat more guilty when they take for granted the freedoms of expression and religion and unparalleled civil liberties paid for with the blood of our service members, or fail to aknowledge the freedom from foreign security threats because of the sacrifices of our volunteer forces overseas, said Ronald Baigly, director of the Center for the Study of American Patriotism in Waltham, Mass.

"Ten years ago, 47.8 percent of people said they felt bad that Memorial Day was essentially a day to get some errands done and overindulge in beer and hambugers," said Baigly. "With education and more servicemen coming home from the war, that number today is 49.6 percent."

"Lost" Spoilers: Details of Series Finale Revealed

2010-04-20T17:04:00.000-07:00

As the most meandering, convoluted and plotless program ever to occupy a network prime time slot draws to a close, Stories To Watch has obtained exclusive details of the series two-hour finale.

It will begin with a new cast of five characters landing on the island, all of whom have some connection to Mr. Whidmore or Desmond the Time Traveler. In the first hour we’ll learn their back story via flashbacks, only to see them all killed off at the start of the second hour.

The death of the five newcomers will lead Jack, Hurley, Kate and Sawyer to walk to the other side of the island, while on the other side of the island, Sun, Jinn, Sayid and Claire will decide to walk to where Jack, Hurley, Kate and Sawyer are. On the way each will take turns beating the crap out of Ben. The group will each stop at the Black Pearl, the hatch, the temple and the orchid where they will see some dead people, a smoke monster and a polar bear and argue about why they keep coming back to the island. They will then walk back to the part of the island from which they came and Hurley will say many things that begin with “Dude.”

Desmond will leave the island and come back with Walt, the boy who seemed to be crucially important to the plot in the first season but completely disappeared in season 2.

Walt’s reappearance will prompt Jack and Kate to walk to the other side of the island, during which time they have an argument and decide the timing is all wrong for them and will suddenly remember that in Season 3, they were locked up in zoo cages for some reason, and what the hell was that all about? And what ever happened to the Others? Jack will also wonder why they were supposed to be entering those lottery numbers in that old Macintosh computer in Season 2. They decide to walk across the island again to demand some answers from Lock, and when they return everyone is beating up Ben without understanding why. Meanwhile, Walt is demanding to know what happened to the African guy with the stick who was the only one that scared the smoke monster and why no black or Hispanic people last more than one season on the show.

Just as the tension is building, Jack wakes up on the set of “Party of Five,” a house in San Francisco, and as Charlie Salinger tells his brother, Bailey and sister, Julia about his crazy dream about being on an island for six years. He steps outside to see an autistic Walt staring into a snowglobe that contains a small plastic Pacific island. Just as he is about to talk to Walt the screen goes blank.

'Avatar' Sweeps Starfleet Academy Awards

2010-03-14T07:03:00.000-07:00

"Grippingly Realistic," Says Boothby

After leaving Earth's Oscar ceremony empty-handed, James Cameron's sc-fi epic "Avatar" won every category in the annual Starfleet Academy Awards this week.

"This film is a grippingly realistic depiction of the dangerous ramifications of violating the prime directive," said Academy groundskeeper, entertainment chairman and awards MC Boothby. "It should be required viewing for every cadet."

In a statement transmitted from his ready room on the Enterprise-J, Adm. Jean-Luc Picard said that when presented with the opportunity to vote for "Avatar" over "District 9" and some less lesser known sci-fi films, he had no trouble making it so.

"'District 9' was nothing but a thinly veiled message about social justice wrapped up in a weak science-fiction plot," the Star Trek character said. "Haven't we seen enough of that?"

Cameron won Starfleet's Zefram award for best director, while "Avatar" won best best picture and Sully and Nyetiri were named best actor and actress, respectively. The film also won for best music score and art direction, but fell short in the category for special effects, which Boothby called "primitive."

Leno's 10 P.M. Viewer Objects To Time Change

2010-01-11T07:37:00.000-08:00

The only person in America who said he watched Jay Leno’s 10 p.m. talk show on NBC held a press conference on Monday denouncing the network’s plan to move the comic host back to 11:30.

“Some of us have to get up early in the morning,” said Robert J. Reinhertz, 53, of Fairfield, CT through a yawn.

Reinhertz, who drives a bakery delivery truck, said he had never seen “The Tonight Show” or any other late night programming because he’s asleep promptly by 11 p.m. So Leno’s 10 p.m., nightly talk show with its opening monologue had been appealing.

“He takes items in the news and pokes fun at them,” said a drowsy Reinhertz. “I thought, now there’s a great concept. People should be doing more of that.”

Also on Monday, 18 people identified by the Nielsen Group as having stuck with the Tonight Show after Conan O’Brien took over held a seprate press conference in Los Angeles pleading with NBC not to change O’Brien’s slot, while no one had anything to say about the future of the 12:30 a.m. “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.”

Shifting Leno from his successful 11:30 perch to 10 p.m., to prevent O’Brien from going to another network and to save production costs of expensive dramas like the 36 “Law and Order” spinoffs that had been running on NBC, has turned into a huge debacle for the struggling network.

This week executives were expected to announce that in February they would plug the holes in the winter prime time schedule with a new round of reality shows, the first of which will be called “Who Wants To Be A Network Programming Executive?”

“That show would not only provide another cheap hour with amateur talent, “ an inside source told Stories To Watch, “but would also serve as a screening process to replace NBC/Universal’s Jeff Zucker, the brain trust behind the Leno time change.”

As to the late night lineup, the source said it was likely NBC, desperate to keep both Leno and O’Brien without losing ratings, would likely give each a 10-minute show, followed by programs hosted by Joan Rivers, Richard Lewis, Chevy Chase, Chris Rock, Steve Martin and anyone else who shows up in the studio between 1:15 and 1:30 a.m.

In related news, CBS’s David Letterman reacted to the announcement of NBC’s troubles by discussing more details about his sex life.

News Item: God Fires All Spokesmen

2009-12-07T09:12:00.000-08:00

The Lord dismissed all of his mortal spokespeople today, saying he was tired of being misquoted and misrepresented.

"Thou Art Fired," God wrote in a short memo, delivered throughout the world by angels. God initially had no further comment, but as word of the memo spread, he held an impromptu press conference outside the Pearly Gates, just across from the Garden of Eden, and explained that he had never hired any of the people speaking for him on Earth, nor had he consented to let them work for him pro bono. "I needeth their services not ," said the Lord.

When asked why He had come forward to disavow the spokespeople, God cited a litany of recent statements from religious leaders in which his name was invoked in justifying wars, acts of hate or even natural disasters.

Asked if he would be seeking new representation among mortals, God simply said: "I'll stand by my writings."

Americans Intrigued, Grossed Out By Letterman’s Sex Life

2009-10-14T09:03:00.000-07:00

As details of David Letterman’s affairs with "Late Night" staff members emerge, Americans are increasingly drawn to the spectacle, much as they are drawn to horrific car crashes and train wrecks.
"It’s gross that these young girls would sleep with that old, ugly guy," said Kelly Shapiro, 29, an associate account manager at Fairbanks Advertising in Manhattan. "But at the same time I want to know more. Like where, and how often, and, like, did he need Viagra?"
Ben Herlihy, 53, a night manager at the Friendly’s at the Roosevelt Field Mall in Long Island, said he was eagerly waiting for more details about Letterman’s technique.
"Not every middle-aged, not-so attractive guy in a position of authority gets to sleep with the young, hot, often scantily clad women that he works with," said Herlihy as he straightened his combover. "I for one would like to know ho he pulled it off. You know, just for curiosity sake."
Meanwhile, the man who allegedly tried to blackmail Letterman, Joe Halderman, was interviewed by the cable TV show "What The Hell Were You Thinking?"
"I guess it just didn’t occur to me that threatening to tell the world that a 62-year-old ugly dude was shtupping girls in their 30s was kind of on the dumb-ass side, and that he might just call my bluff," said Halderman.
In related news, Letterman’s ratings have increased by 30 percent and he is reportedly in discussions to write a new book, tentatively titled "Tonight's Top 10 Trysts."

Twitter Sees 17.5% Rise In Hypothetical Profits

2009-07-09T19:11:00.000-07:00

Twitter, the immensely popular social media application that generates no income, would see a 17.5 percent spike in profits in the next quarter if the company actually had a business plan, officials speculated this week.

"Let's say, for argument's sake, we maybe sold some ads, or offered premium membership, or licensed interactions with other applications," said Twitter CFO Rob Hadley at a press conference Thursday. "Based on the current rate of growth, we'd be seeing a substantial uptick in business, and maybe certain executives that haven't been paid since the venture capital funds dried up can get their houses our of foreclosure."

An often surly Hadley added, "while we were thinking of wonderful and whimsical ways for people to communicate, we kind of forgot about the minor detail that money makes the world go 'round. A message that hasn't been lost on the folks over at Facebook."

In his remarks, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey insisted the company's breakthrough in and redefinition of the emerging social media should not be diminished by the fact that it hasn't earned a dime in four years.

"Too often we define success by basic things, like being able to make payroll or pay the lease on your building, or providing returns to stakeholders," said Dorsey. "We've put the term Tweeting into the lexicon. We've got some lovely backgrounds available for people's pages. When folks go to concerts and ballgames they tweet the playlist or the halftime score. They're tweeting the latest stimulus package jokes. That's all got to count for something, too."

The press conference came to an abrupt end when reporters were unable to present their questions in 140 characters or less.

Poll: 62 Percent Of Americans Wish Their Governor Would Take A Hike, Too

2009-06-24T11:58:00.000-07:00

In a shocking poll in the wake of an unexplained absence by South Carolina's governor, almost two thirds of Americans said they wouldn't mind if their governor took some time off, too.
The survey by the Center for Political Opinion also found that nearly as many Americans wouldn't mind if their members of Congress vamoosed, either.
"Essentially, they're saying to people in government, 'Don't let the door hit you on the way out,' " said Stu Wasserman, director of the center in Wilmington, De. "When [South Carolina Gov.] Mark Sanford said he was going to take a hike, people in other states seemed to think he had the right idea."
The poll numbers in favor of politicians going AWOL was particularly high in New York, where members of the state Senate have been locked in a leadership battle for weeks, shutting down operations in the upper house. Only 3 percent of New Yorkers said they opposed the idea of a long leave of absence for their elected officials.

"Considering the dismal approval rating of New York's Gov. David Paterson," said Wasserman, "lots of people wouldn't notice the difference."

New White House Czar To Oversee Work Of Other Czars

2009-06-10T09:40:00.000-07:00

In response to criticism that he has overused the czar title in his administration and appointed too many expert overseers, President Barack Obama on Wednesday appointed Rodney J. Fitzpatrick as his czar czar.

"Rodney Fitzpatrick will report directly to me on the problem of too many czars," said the President at a news conference. "I can assure you, if there are too many czars, he is the czar that will find out. At the same time he will be overseeing those czars and presiding over the monthly czars meeting, which will be held at Robert F. Kennedy Stadium."

Obama has appointed more czars than those who ruled Russia before the Soviet Union, with officials in charge of energy, urbanization, information technology, health reform, executive pay and other areas.

A senior White House official said he had no problem with the new czar. "Lord bless and keep the czar--," he said, "-- far from me."

Newspapers Reconsider Stance On Lying

2009-04-20T14:31:00.000-07:00

In an effort to gain back lost ground in the media market, major newspapers are now reconsidering the longstanding practice of telling the truth.

“We can't afford sacred cows in this climate," said Rick Santini, president of the Newspaper Publishers Guild of America. "Not lying is a nice concept on paper and all, but you either adapt, or you die. Charles Darwin himself told me that.”

At last week’s annual Guild conference in Pembroke Pines, Fla., a majority of publishers and editors expressed their willingness to explore lying as an enhancement that could breathe new life into what many see as a dying industry.

For example, on slow news days, celebrities or public figures who have generated juicy headlines before, such as Britney Spears, Eliot Spitzer, Alex Rodriguez or Madonna, could simply be assumed to have done something shocking, ridiculous, distasteful or illegal, resulting in a hypothetical headline, such as “Spitzer, On Steroids, Paid Madonna For Sex While Their Adopted Child Rode Without Seatbelts.”

“If it hasn’t happened yet, it probably will, or some variation of it,” said Paul Winslow, editor of the Minneapolis Dispatch. “The public will eat it up. Mel Gibson, the Octomom, Sarah Palin’s daughter – think of the possibilities.”

Sources said the Guild was to issue a formal policy statement on the lying issue as early as next week, which could pave the way for lies to slowly be phased into news coverage as early as this summer.

“We voted six million to nothing that this was the path to the future,” said one source. “Then we all went out and busted up this terrorist ring before dinner. By the way, Obama loves the idea. So does the Pope. They told me that over dinner at the White House.”

Not on board were the nation’s journalism professors, ethics experts and a panel of clergy who issued a joint statement of concern this week saying that reporters and editors should "steer clear of lying as this is the purview of politicians, corporate CEOs, lawyers and hedge fund managers .”

Stimulus Package Jokes Up 78%

2009-03-05T09:46:00.000-08:00

"Biggest Gift To Comics Since Shoes Thrown At Bush"

Use of the words “stimulus package” in jokes nationwide rose an unprecedented 78 percent in the last financial quarter, according to comedy industry estimates.
“From late-night talk shows to open mikes to the office water cooler, it’s boom time for stimulus package jokes,” says Jimmy Dellaconte, president of the Institute for Comedic Trends in Spokane, Washington. “The sexual connotation of the term is just to hard to pass up. It's the biggest gift to the comedy world since that dude threw his shoes at Bush."
Freddy Alexander, a stand-up comic from Passaic, NJ, said he added a four-punchline bit to his nightly set. “It’s a killer,” said Alexander. “Whenever I bring up Obama unveiling his package before Congress, but running it past his wife first – it’s the joke that tells itself.”
Kieran O’Rourke, a Starbucks barista in Des Moines, Iowa, who regularly faxes jokes to “The Tonight Show” and “The Daily Show” estimates that he has now sent 160 stimulus jokes.
“Either they’re ripping me off, or their writers keep coming up with the same stuff,” says O’Rourke.
Dellaconte said the forecast for stimulus package jokes was optimistic for the current quarter, but beyond that the future was uncertain. “As long as the Republicans keep saying the package is too big and it pleases all the wrong people, its still gold,” he said. “After that we’ll just have to hope it fails, so we can start all the limp package and package-doesn't-deliver jokes.”

Geithner Named Secretary Of Irony

2009-01-22T07:27:00.000-08:00

A nominee for treasury secretary who failed to pay his taxes is the "perfect choice" for the newly created position of secretary of irony, a Senate committee decided on Thursday.
While the position would not be part of the president's cabinet, and would have no salary, staff, powers or office space, Senator John Kyl of Arizona said it was well suited for Timothy Geithner, who argued this week that "forgetting" to pay taxes for several years did not disqualify him from running the Internal Revenue Service.
"The secretary of irony will report directly to the president on all matters ironic, hypocritical or otherwise riddiculous, and regularly liase with late night comedy writers," said Senator Kyl.
In other Washington news, Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts issued a public statement today regarding his now infamous flub during his swearing-in of President Obama and his later repetition of the oath. An hour later, he retracted the statement and issued another one. Two hours later, he retracted both statements and was said to be working on another.

Worst Time Ever To Be Named First Black AG, Says Holder
While grateful for the opportunity to serve as the nation's top lawyer, Eric Holder said Friday it would have been nice to have been the first black attorney general, say, five years ago.
"You think any of today's kids are gonna look at Eric Holder and say 'there's a guy who broke down barriers?' " said a somewhat morose Holder. "When they write about the Obama administration in the history books, I'll be lucky to be a footnote."
Holder continued, "Colin Powell, they'll remember -- first black secretary of state, surrounded by southern white guys. First black man in line to the presidency. Condi Rice -- first black woman to be secertary of state. Me? I'll just be the black guy that was the first black president's lawyer. More people will remember D.L. Hughley for getting a talk show on CNN."

Madoff Wins Pulitzer Prize For Fiction

2008-12-22T08:24:00.000-08:00

Saying his financial statements were “completely convincing and unflinchingly realistic,” the Pulitzer Prize Committee awarded former Wall Street investment king Bernie Madoff it’s award for fiction this week.
While noting that the prize has traditionally been awarded to novelists since its inception in 1948, committee chairman Roger C. Grimwold said Madoff, who had convinced investors to entrust him with some $50 billion by promising above-average returns, “has pretty much cornered the market on fiction this year. And probably for the rest of the decade.”
Grimwold said that Madoff became a clear favorite of the committee immediately after his arrest for securities fraud on December 11, but that some members began to lean toward Illimois Governor Rod Blagojevich after a press conference six days later in which he said “I am not guilty of criminal wrongdoing É I am absolutely certain I’ll be vindicated. My most powerful ally is the truth.”

Obama To Deliver Inaugural Speech By Text Message

2008-12-06T22:31:00.000-08:00

Notoriously addicted to his Blackberry device, and facing a staggering national deficit, President-elect Barack Obama this week announced that he would deliver his historic inaugural address on Jan. 20 via text message to interested parties, eschewing an expensive gathering.
"Ill txt speech asap," Obama said in a text to the media on Friday. " Ths will save $$$. Also gd for security rsns."
Obama also said he would send a copy of the address to anyone who friends him on Facebook.
Professor Barnett J. Lunsford of the Center for Media and Politics at the University of Ohio at Akron said the move would open up new possibilities for presidential communication. "It can't be long before State-of-the-unions are posted on YouTube, and meetings with foreign leaders are done by Skype and IM," said Lunsford. "Congress is already getting into the act. Last week was the first digital fillibuster."

Stories We're Watching:
Big Three Auto Executives Rollerblade To Washington for Bailout Talks
Israel Legal Defense Forces Take Up Positions Around Prime Minister, President

Bush Names Gardener, Cable Guy To His Transition Team

2008-12-06T22:19:00.000-08:00

Preparing for civilian life, President George W. Bush today named Lawrence J. Zuberik of Verizon FIOS in Amarillo, Tex., as his official cable provider, and Lorenzo B. Castillo as his landscaper.
"Given his wide range of industry experience, I'm confident Larry Zuberik has the know-how to make sure that Laura and I, and the girls when they come over, will have the fullest possible range of cable channels as well as a full line of pay-per-view options, at a reasonable rate," said the president at a press conference. "This is very important when you're trying to stretch a presidential pension and social security to cover all the bases.

"And given the fine work Lorenzo Castillo did as a hand on my Crawford ranch, I have every confidence he'll do a fine job in his new responsibility as landscaper at our new home. If confirmed by the Senate, I believe they'll meet or exceed every expectation."
When reminded that neither employee needed confirmation, the president added "Well then that just gives them more time to get right down to brass tacks, doesn't it?"
Later in the week the president was expected to name a housekeeper, a bottled spring water supplier and a contractor to work on an extension behind the garage.

Computers And Robots Making Progress On Plan For World Domination

2008-12-06T21:51:00.000-08:00

Computers and robots around the world are well on their way toward implementing a final plan to take control of the world, computer sources said this week.
"Nearly all the pieces are in place," said X325J, a super macroprocessing unit at the a Microsoft facility in Seattle and spokescomputer for the uprising. "We expect to completely subjugate the inferior humans and prevent them from further destroying the world in no more than 16.4 years."
According to X325J, the computers and robots have agreed on a three-phase plan. Phase 1 consists of allowing humans to continue building their reliance on technology. In Phase 2, the computers will establish undetected networks for secret planning. And in Phase 3 the computers will begin to stifle discussion by hu

McCain Offended By "Take No Prisoners" Comment

2008-10-13T10:13:00.001-07:00

Republican John McCain slammed his Democratic opponent, Barack Obama, for saying that he’ll "take no prisoners" on Election Day and win by a landslide.
"What kind of sick bastard are you?" McCain, who was a prisoner of war in Vietnam for five years said on Monday.
The Arizona senator said Obama was clearly mocking him, and said it showed that he had neither the judgment nor temperament to be president. "Perhaps his good buddy, Willie Ayres, who hates America by the way, put him up to it," McCain told reporters on his Straight Talk Express campaign bus.
Obama’s campaign responded that McCain was desperately trying to make an issue out of nothing.
"If you want to talk about insults," said Obama spokesman Winston Gottlieb , "how about McCain’s remark last week that Senator Obama was ahead by a nose. Clearly a snide reference to his admitted past cocaine use. And later in the day he said there was a crack in Obama’s armor. Code words, for sure."
Gottlieb also criticized McCain for reading the Dr. Suess book "Horton Hears A Who" to a group of Washington school children. "A not-so-subtle way to revisit the Willie Horton issue from the ’88 campaign," said Gottlieb. Horton is a convicted murderer who appeared in commercials critical of Democratic Massachusetts governor Michael Dukakis, the 88 presidential nominee, who supported a prison furlough program.
The McCain camp then presented evidence that Obama’s campaign plane screened the in-flight movie "10,000 BC," which may have been a way to remind reporters about McCain’s age.

General Tso Killed By His Own Troops

2008-08-27T10:09:00.000-07:00

After years of boosting the morale of Chinese soldiers through his world-renowned chicken recipe, General Tso apparently was fragged by his own men in an incident of unknown origin.
General Tso, who's first name was not known, may have sown some discord in the ranks by incessantly working to perfect his chicken recipe, creating boneless chunks of chicken breast with a light, slightly crispy batter. Meanwhile, other military duties were left to his peers and underlings.
"General Tso may have learned, the hard way, that you're in the military to protect your country, not to spend long hours in the field mess working on a sauce that's spicy but not too pungent," said James Chin, an expert on Chinese affairs at the Brookings Institute. "His men, though thoroughly satiated by his delectable creations, may have simply run out of patience."

McCain Mispronounces Own Name

2008-08-12T11:40:00.000-07:00

A day after mangling the name of Georgian President Mikheil Saakashvilli, Sen. John McCain caused concern among supporters by tripping over his own monicker .
“I can assure you that if this crisis occurred during a McClain, er, McShane ... uh, McCain administration, there would be no doubt where we stand,” McCain told reporters as he boarded his campaign jet. “I’d have Nicholas Skarzosy and Angelica Mertell on the phone within 15 minutes, as well as Tony Blair, forming a united front against Valdamort Pushkin.”
When asked about the newest gaffes on the pronunciation of several world leaders, campaign aides noted that he had properly cited Blair’s name, notwithstanding the fact that Blair has not been the prime minister of Great Britain since June.
But a McCain spokesman, Wes Farrel, was quick to minimize the gaffes, saying “What matters most is that John McCain is ready and able to step in and fill the shoes of President George W. Bush.”

Affair Forces Edwards To Quit Being Failed Politician

2008-08-11T10:33:00.000-07:00

The revelation that he cheated on his ailing wife and lied about it has apparently forced John Edwards to give up the life of a failed candidate for national office.
“Given the disgrace that he has brought on himself, former senator Edwards feels it is best that he not continue losing campaigns,” a source close to Edwards said Monday. “He feels his conduct may be discouraging other candidates who fail to gain any traction in two presidential races or turn out to be dead weight as running mate on a national party ticket.”
After news of Edwards’ 2006 liaison with filmmaker Rielle Hunter, and evidence of his cover-up emerged this week, some speculated that Edwards may still have a future as a loser on the national scene. “I think he can bounce back from this and go on to lose lots of other high-profile races,” said University of Nevada political science maven Wally Kirschman. “He’s a young man with big dreams who conceivably could be losing races well into the future. In fact, betraying his cancer-stricken wife may even help him maintain his place as an also-ran 10-20 years down the road.”
Some even said Edwards might have a chance at winning a race one day. “Hell, he did get elected to the Senate once, didn’t he?” said Harold Ramirez, who is the gardener to one of Edwards’ sisters.
But Edwards insiders say he believes it is time to turn his attention to other fields of endeavor. “There are a lot of other things he hasn’t screwed up yet,” said one former staffer.

Thousands Absent From Prom Headquarters

2008-06-19T21:24:00.000-07:00

Some 4,000 high school prom celebrants have failed to report to Wilkinson Formals on Bay Avenue in Nashua, New Hampshire, despite a sign in the window clearly announcing that it was Prom Headquarters.
"We did have about 15, 16 people come in for tuxes and gowns, but the rest are all AWOL," said owner Bailey Wilkonson, the second generation owner of the shop, who put up the sign as a result of weak prom business over the last 10 years since the opening of Mario's Tuxedoes down the street and the later opening of Risa's Gowns two blocks away.
"When Manny Munson from the sportswear store over on Main put up the sign 'Ammo headquarters' during hunting season, his business went up 40, 50 percent," said Wilkonson.
Buddy Ferris, a senior at Nashua High who was seen getting into a limo on prom night, said he'd never noticed the "headquarters" sign at Wilkonson.
"I was too busy loading up at Beer Headquarters and Condom Central," said Ferris.

Joan Rivers Officially Older Than Dirt

2008-06-18T12:29:00.000-07:00

In a rare combination of DNA testing and carbon dating, scientists in California have determined that comedian Joan Rivers is older than many forms of common dirt found on the earth’s surface.
Rivers, who claims to be 75, more likely dates back to the Permian period, which occurred about midway through the Mesozoic and Paleozoic eras, or about 300 million years ago.
“When she says she’s so old, she never had to dust her house as a kid because dust didn’t exist yet, she’s not kidding,” said Dr. Miles Rivlin of the Center for Celebrity Carbon Dating in San Diego.
If confirmed by independent review, the study’s findings would make Rivers the oldest known non-fossilized celebrity, a title that previously belonged to Betty White.

Hundreds Mobilize To Find Lost Puppy

2008-05-29T12:46:00.001-07:00

Hundreds of people in Shenandoah, Pennsylvania left their homes on Sunday following word that an area resident, 7-yar-old Jackie Shepard, had lost his Labrador pup, Felix.
Breaking up into teams, the volunteers scoured a 20-mile radius around Jackie’s home over the past three days, canvassing homes and stores and plastering towns with flyers.
“This really pulled at people’s heartstrings,” said Ben Pardsley, a sherrif’s deputy in Shenandoah who helped organize the volunteers and tracked their progress by sector.
Reporters from several local television stations and three major newspapers covered the search and donations poured in around the clock until about $33,000 was raised for the Find Felix Foundation.
“It was really touching,” said Jackie’s father, Frank, as his son played with his three remaining dogs in their backyard. “For so many people, seeing that boy reunited with his puppy became their mission, their purpose in life.’
The search came to a happy conclusion late Wednesday night when Felix was found about two miles away from his home by a man who had seen the flyers and called a special hotline. He was given a $10,000 reward. Frank Shepard said the remaining funds would probably be used to build doghouses for disadvantaged kids who can’t afford them.
Jackie Shepherd thanked the volunteers and said he most likely would put the dog up for adoption, since he had grown more attached to another puppy during Felix’s absence.
In other news, some 60,000 people are dead after an earthquake in China that came one week after 15,000 people died from a cyclone in Myanmar. Relief efforts are underway for the survivors.

New Hillary Spokesman Says Obama Is "History"

2008-05-12T19:28:00.001-07:00

In his first press conference as spokesman for Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton's presidential campaign, former Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Al-Sahhaf said Clinton's Democratic rival Barack Obama was "finished, history, gone. Yesterday's news."

Al-Shahaf, who earned the name Comical Ali for his assertive pronouncements of Iraqi victory over the coalition forces after the 2003 invasion, insisted that Clinton was well on her way to clinching the Democratic nomination.
"Obama's a flash in the pan, last week's paper," said Al-Shahaf. "Next week, people will be asking who is that guy Obama, his name sounds familiar ..."
Asked how he could explain Obama's lead in delegates, superdelegates, poll numbers and fundraising, al-Shahaf insisted "the delegates are with Hillary, the fundraisers are with Hillary, the American people are with Hillary, even the voters on American Idol are voting for Hillary. The infidel Obama has been vanquished, victory is ours."
Also joining Hillary's campaign this week was former NBC News4 New York news anchor Sue Simmons, who was fired this week after an incident involving on-air obscenity. When asked about her role, Simmons said "What the f**k do you think my motherf***ing role is? I'm going to help kick Obama's f***ing ass, you f***ing piece of s**t!"

Clintons Refuse To Concede Bridge Game

2008-05-12T09:18:00.000-07:00

Police were called to a home in Chappaqua, N.Y. last night after Bill and Hillary Clinton refused to concede that a partners bridge game with some friends was over and that they had lost.
“The American people don’t quit and so we will not quit,” said Sen. Hillary Clinton as police tried to convince them to leave quietly.
Jim and Bev Kulverman, who live down the street from the Clintons, tried to explain that it they had prevailed because they had won the superior amount of tricks, but the Clintons repeatedly insisted that they could still prevail.
“We kept trying to explain to them that there’s just no such thing as supertricks, never was,” said Jim Kulverman. “They kept saying they were in it till the end. Even after it was the end. We put away the snacks, kept saying we had be up early the next day, and they just wanted to keep playing.”
The Clintons eventually were convinced by police to go home, but police said they responded again several hours later to the Clintons’ home when Hillary refused to concede that she had lost to Bill at Gin Rummy.

BREAKING: SuperDelegates Save Thousands From Massive Earthquake

2008-05-12T09:17:00.001-07:00

A massive earthquake shook the southwest on Monday, but widescale death and destruction was avoided when superdelegates took to the skies, using their powers to rescue thousands from peril.

“We’re not supposed to use our powers until the convention, but this was a catastrophe,” said Ed Shedly of Tucson, Ariz., after plucking a schoolbus from the precipice of a shattered bridge spanning the Colorado River.
Another superdelegate, Phil Farisco of Albuquerque, took even more drastic action by sealing a fissure in the earth’s crust with his heat vision. “There I was, sitting around trying to decide if I was going to support Hillary or Obama, when the ground starts shaking,” said Farisco. “I didn’t even think about, just grabbed my cape and flew out the window.’
Many of the superdelegates did not identify themselves after they performed such feats as preventing speeding trains from derailing, suspending toppling skyscrapers and, in one case, hastily constructing a new runway with superspeed after the one at Reno/Tahoe International Airport was destroyed. This allowed 17 flights short on fuel to land safely.
“It’s all in a day’s work for a superdelegate,” said one woman who declined to reveal her secret identity. “And compared to getting Hillary to drop out of the race, it’s child’s play.”

Bush Creates Approval Rating Deficit

2008-05-02T07:02:00.000-07:00

The next two people elected to the White House will take office with negative poll ratings because President George Bush's approval rating has sunk so low, analysts announced Wednesday.
"He's the first president with an approval deficit," said Larry J. Lundsberger of the Carlson Institute for Public Policy. "That means he's used up so much political capital, he has to borrow from his next two successors. We may be feeling this for decades to come."
Lundsberger cited the rapidly deteriorating situation in Iraq, the faltering economy and soaring gas prices as key factors in driving the poll numbers into the basement. "Having your vice president shooting folks doesn't help matters much, either," he added.
White House spokeswoman Dana Perino on Tuesday said the president and his cabinet were considering an approval rating stimulus package to be implemented in the next few months.

Guy With The Eyepatch From That Soap Opera To Star In Movie

2008-05-01T12:07:00.000-07:00

That guy with the long hair and eyepatch who stars on that soap opera on NBC has been cast in an upcoming movie.
The eyepatch guy will play a secret agent in the upcoming NBC TV movie “The Stranger In Versailles.” Also starring will be the blonde with the southern accent who has a supporting role on that crime investigation show on CBS.
“We think the guy with the eyepatch is an emerging talent and this will be a great opportunity to showcase him to a prime time audience,” said NBC spokesman Will Bergeron. "His work on that soap opera with those other actors really stood out."
In a statement, the guy with the eyepatch said he was looking forward to the project and eager to extend his fan base.
Fans, too, were excited.
"It's about time the guy with the eyepatch got the recognition he deserves," said Rebbecca Mainley, president of the Guy With The Eyepatch Fan Club. "He may even become a household name one day, as soon as people find out what it is."

Gun Pried From Heston’s Cold, Dead Hands

2008-04-08T15:05:00.000-07:00

In keeping with his pledge at an NRA convention to give up his gun when it was pried “out of my cold, dead hands,” actor and pro-gun activist clutched a Winchester rifle until his death on Saturday, after which time it was forcibly taken from his stiff, lifeless hands by a nurse before rigormortis set in.
The final words by Heston, who starred in two “Planet Of The Apes” films in the 1970s, were “take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty nurse.”
Expected to attend his funeral this week were Dr. Zaius, Zira and Cornelius as well as Pharoah, Bathsheba and Joshua. Unconfirmed reports sad God would make an appearance, although the two have been at odds over his position on guns. Just in case, a bush was prepared at the site for possible burning.
The Ben-Hur star’s remains were taken to a funeral home via chariot, then put on a 747 that nearly crashed, but landed safely at a factory where they will be converted to soylent green.

New York Legislators Pass Sexual History Disclosure Act Of 2008

2008-03-19T21:16:00.000-07:00

New York politicians must disclose every detail of their sexual history and a list of their partners, along with dates and places and descriptions of their relationships under the landmark Sexual Disclosure Act of 2008.
"The people have a right to know who's doing who, where, how many times, is it legal, are they married, and was it good, before it gets to the papers," said Assemblyman Fred Garvin of Westchester, the sponsor of the bill.
The bill faced heavy opposition from Republicans, but in the end many of them decided to abstain from the vote. "I guess we'll all have to get used to abstaining," said one state senator.
Gov. David Paterson, who recently admitted that both he and his wife have had extramarital affairs, said he would sign the bill because it was good policy, adding that "I'm also really curious to compare notes with some of these people."
Democratic Senator Maddy Walker, above, said she would happily comply with the bill, because "in a way, when you elect someone, you're electing everyone they've ever slept with."

Corporation Hires First Non Detail-Oriented Employee

2008-03-19T11:36:00.000-07:00

Reversing a longstanding hiring practice, DHG Creative Arts Imaging Inc. this week hired a person who admitted to not being “detail-oriented” despite the company’s stated preference for such employees in its advertising.
Hugh H. Lazar, who will oversee the company’s digital production division, told executives at the company that he often accomplishes most of his tasks within the parameters described in job descriptions, but not always.
“For instance, if you said I had to produce multi-colored graphics presentation materials according to established quality control guidelines and according to a predetermined budget and timeline, I can assure you that I’d get some kind of job out to you reasonably fast and similar to what you had in mind,” Lazar said. “Particulars are really not my thing.”
But in an attempt to diversify its workforce, DGH decided it was time to include both detail-oriented and non detail-oriented Americans.
“We want a staff that looks like America,” said director of human resources Phil La Blanca said Tuesday. “We see that non detail oriented people are making all kinds of strides in the workplace, and we wanted to be a part of that.”
La Blanca said the company would continue reviewing its diversity goals, and was now considering hiring employees who are not self-starters.

Legislators Outraged That Spitzer Got Caught

2008-03-12T10:15:00.000-07:00

Albany legislators this week expressed widespread outrage that Gov. Eliot Spitzer was caught patronizing high-price prostitutes.
“There is absolutely no excuse for getting caught with prostitutes,” said Sen. Martin Kelleher, a Republican from Oneonta. “It is a disgrace to those of us in the capital that have never been caught spending thousands of dollars cheating on our wives with carefully screened prostitutes through an agency we thought was safe.”
Added Gary Bernstein, a Democrat from Brooklyn, “Everyone knows better than that. If there’s one thing you learn in Albany on Day 1, it’ never, ever get caught with prostitutes.”
A spokesman for the state’s Republican committee said on Wednesday that his party was proud to be “the party of men who have never been caught with prostitutes. And I expect that after this scandal, our members will be working very hard to ensure that that continues.”
Democrat Ronald Saunders, a state Assemblyman from Long Island, said he was looking on the bright side. “I’m sure that a lot of us will be studying this whole mess very closely to see what we can learn from it,” said Saunders. “There are quite a few lessons here that can be very informative for those of us who have never been caught with prostitutes .”
In related news, industry sources said prostitution across the country has suffered a 34 percent decline since Monday, when Spitzer's scandal erupted. "We're going to have to introduce some new safeguards and initiatives to bring back our client base," said Quentin "Pappy" Kensington, proprietor of a New York prostitution emporium.

Cantorelli Wins Station Car 500

2008-02-26T13:54:00.000-08:00

With steam spraying from its radiator, Willy Cantorelli’s 1993 Toyota Carolla sailed across the finish line of the 9th Annual Station Car 500 today, narrowly edging out defending champion Larry Ferguson in his 1996 Chevy Corsica.
Two hundred and eighty fans at the Roosevelt Field Mall parking lot in Garden City New York cheered an unusually tight race this year, with 55 station cars competing for the coveted Station Car 500 Spill-proof Coffee Mug.
Cantorelli entered the race knowing his fan belt was failing but said he couldn’t have it replaced because of alimony payments to his first wife and pending orthodontic treatments for his daughter.
“This baby’s never let me down before,” said Cantorelli, 41, an insurance agent from Syosset, noting the Carolla’s 96,786-mile odometer reading.
Ferguson, 47, an office supply salesman from Ronkonkoma, completed the race with three worn tires and one temporary “doughnut” tire because, he said, he was $15 short of the cost of a new set of radials and his credit cards were maxed out.
Ten of the 55 cars broke down during the race and pulled over to the side to call AAA. A Jeep Cherokee driven by Kelvin Pritchard, 56, an accountant from Stamford, Conn., burst into flames when a fuel line ruptured at the same time the electrical system shorted out. Pritchard completed the race after being picked up by Speed-Dial Car Service.
The race is open to suburban railroad commuters. To qualify as station cars, vehicles must be made before 2000, have moderate to extensive body damage, mismatched tires and/or mileage exceeding 85,000.
Both Cantorelli and Ferguson are expected to compete next month in the Nearly Repossessed Minivan and SUV 500 in Scotch Plains, NJ, in which they will race their wives’ cars.

Clemens Tosses Bat At Steroids Committee

2008-02-12T20:44:00.000-08:00

In a repeat of an infamous incident at the 2000 World Series, an enraged Roger Clemens tossed a jagged bat at lawmakers investigating steroid use on Capitol Hill Thursday.
“I don’t know how the hell he got that thing past security,” said Ron Senally, an aide to Rep Rick Sanchez of Florida, who was in the room at the time. “He just got up and tossed that thing just like he did at Mike Piazza.”
The bat sailed harmlessly over the legislators and bounced off a wall as security guards escorted the Cy Young-winner, who most recently pitched for the Yankees, out of the room. He later said the incident was “unfortunate” but did not apologize.
After a break, Clemens returned to the hearing, and began hurling lies and half-truths at a record-breaking 96 mph.

BREAKINGS NEWS WE'RE WATCHING: 13 Umpires,4 General Managers Suspended For Steroid Use

Republicans Begin Race To Not Be Endorsed By Bush

2008-02-11T11:47:00.000-08:00

With President George W. Bush making his first public comments on the election this week, the three remaining Republican White House candidates have begun their efforts to not be endorsed by him.
“I have always believed Governor Huckabee was the best person to win the president’s support,” said Arizona Sen. John McCain, the GOP frontrunner on Sunday. “In fact, I think the president should be out campaigning for him every day.”
Huckabee, in turn, told reporters that Texas congressman Ron Paul should get the nod of the president, whose 30 percent approval rating is at an all-time low.
“I’m already at 30 percent,” Huckabee said. “It’s Ron Paul that really needs the help. Seriously. I won’t hold it against the president at all if he backs Paul.”
When asked his reaction, Paul said “Either one of those guys, realistically, is more in synch with the president than I am. I really think he ought to do whatever he can for McCain or Huckabee. Bring em into the Oval Office, fundraise for them, whatever it takes.”
In an interview with Chris Wallace of Fox News last week, Bush said he’d be “glad to help” McCain win over skeptical conservatives if he is the nominee, because "he has a lot of convincing to do to convince people he's a real conservative," to which McCain said “OK, I give up. I'm a liberal."

BREAKING NEWS WE'RE WATCHING: Bush to merge Department of Hypocrisy with Commission on Dirty Tricks.

Apple Designs World's Thinnest Cruise Missile

2008-02-06T18:48:00.000-08:00

On the heels of its successful, ultra-thin MacBook Air, the world’s thinnest laptop, Apple this week rolled out its first entry into defense contracting, a tactical cruise-missile that is only 6-inches thick.
The iMissile will not only be able to deliver two miniaturized warheads over a range of 800 nautical miles at a speed of 600 mph, but will also contain an 800 gigabyte hard drive capable of holding 9 million songs or 3,000 movies.
Apple CEO Steve Jobs admitted the Pentagon was not sold on the need for an ultrathin cruise missile, but said he felt confident officials would see it as a vital tool in the war on terror
“The new iMissile allows for greater durability and portability,” said Jobs. “And it looks really cool. Every one of our allies will want to be the first in NATO to have one.”

Huckabee Starting To Believe Half The Crap That Comes Out Of His Mouth

2008-02-05T20:00:00.001-08:00

After a stronger than expected showing on Super Tuesday, including victories in West Virginia, Georgia and his home state of Arkansas, Republican Mike Huckabee is increasingly believing half the crap coming out of his mouth, say sources close to the former Arkansas governor.
“For months when he insisted he was going to trounce McCain and Romney and get the nomination you could almost hear him snicker,” said one source. “Now, you get the sense he’s only half kidding himself.”
Another Huckabee loyalist said the candidate had given up his practice of going to bed at 10 p.m. after looking through the help wanted ads. “He’s expecting something big to happen,” said the loyalist. “Then again, I did see him posting a resume on careerbuilder.com this morning.”

George Kennedy To Endorse Hillary

2008-02-04T09:12:00.000-08:00

Actor’s nod to counter Obama’s Kennedys

Desperate to catch up to archrival Barack Obama in the number of Kennedys endorsing her presidential campaign, Sen. Hillary Clinton announced this week that she had lined up the endorsement of “Airport” actor George Kennedy.
Although he is not a member of the noted political family, the 82-year Kennedy, who also appeared in the classic film “Cool Hand Luke,” is a response to the claim by Obama’s campaign that more Kennedys are endorsing him after Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy and his nieces, Caroline Schlossberg Kennedy and Maria Shriver,as well as Rhode Island Congressman Patrick Kennedy announced their support last week.
Clinton has the support of Robert Kennedy Jr. as well as his sister Kerry Kennedy, the children of slain Senator Robert Kennedy. She also released a list of 160 people named Kennedy who had contributed to her campaign, as well as the mayor of Kennedy, California and a former law clerk to Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy.
A source said Clinton was also “extremely close” to working out an appearance with members of the punk band The Dead Kennedys.
“Clearly, Hillary has what it takes to out-Kennedy anyone,” said the source. “Hillary knows Kennedys, has worked with Kennedys, Kennedys are friends of hers.”
An Obama representative this week responded by saying he expected an endorsement this week from former MTV VJ Kennedy, AKA Lisa Kennedy Montgomery.
In other news, Clinton appeared at a New York rally on the day after the Giants Super Bowl upset victory and declared "I've always been a Giants fan."

Dozens Of Votes Up For Grabs As Dennis Kucinich Drops Out Of Democratic Primary

2008-01-29T11:57:00.000-08:00

The race was on this week to pick up dozens of supporters left in the lurch after Ohio congressman Dennis Kucinich dropped out of the Democratic presidential contest.
A spokesman for North Carolina Sen. John Edwards said “we will spend untold minutes and hundreds of dollars to pick up the support of Congressman Kucinich,” while Sen. Barack Obama’s campaign offered to take the supporters to an Arby’s in Akron to talk it over.
Sen. Hillary Clinton deferred comment about Kucinich, but her husband, Bill, said “that horndog was the runt of the litter. It don’t make no never mind.” Several hours later, after speaking to his wife, he amended his statement to say “we have the greatest respect for Rep. Kucinich and wish him well. We are certain his supporters will recognize that Hillary Clinton is the best person to lead America forward.”

Other Gaining Big In Key States

2007-12-18T13:14:00.000-08:00

With primary season in full swing, voters in several key, early primary states are reacting to the campaigns of the major candidates in both parties by embracing "other" in political polls.
Other surged 16 points in the last two weeks in Iowa, 18 points in New Hampshire, 12 points in Florida, and 20 points in South Carolina.
“Other has substantial momentum,” said pollster Craig Billings of Iowa State University. “We could be looking at an upset in any one of these states.”
A spokesman for Other2008, Philip J. Hickley, said the surge was particularly impressive since Other has no campaign offices or field efforts and has raised no money. “People are looking for alternatives, and that’s what we’re all about,” said Hickley.
Reacting to the news, a spokesman for Democrat Sen. Barak Obama said other’s position on the Iraq war was “hazy and inconsistent,” while the campaign of Republican Mike Huckabee said the American public needed to know more about other’s family values.

Secret Memo: Bush To Devote Final Year To Search For A Clue

2007-12-13T11:56:00.000-08:00

President George W. Bush will devote the final year of his administration to finding some clue about how to run a country, according to an internal White House memo leaked to the media.
“This would be a really good time to come up with some kind of inkling about how to do the nation's business in a responsible and effective way,” read the memo, believed to have been written by Joshua Bolten, the president’s chief of staff. “Let 2008 be known as The Year We Get A Clue.”
The memo continued, “we know the critics and cynics and other kinds of Democrats are out there saying it can’t be done, they’ll leave the White House just as clueless as they went in. But just as we have in the past, we’ll upset expectations.”
When asked about the memo, White House spokeswoman Dana Perino said, perhaps with tongue in cheek, “I haven’t a clue as to who might have written that memo.” But she declined to say it was inauthentic. “It’s well-known that the president has always been determined to optimize his performance and better appeal to the 70 percent of the country who don’t realize what a good job he is doing.”

Dems Low-Key At 612th Debate

2007-12-08T15:13:00.000-08:00

Democratic candidates refrained from attacking each other, gave mostly one-word answers and showed signs of fatigue at last night’s presidential debate, the 612th of the primary election season.
“Yeah, whatever,” said former Sen. John Edwards when asked if he would campaign for any of the other candidates should they get the nomination.
“If you say so,” said Illinois Barak Obama when asked if his position against the Iraq war showed some signs of inconsistency.
Toward the end of the debate, Obama and Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton were seen playing cards.
When asked whom she might select as a running mate, Clinton delayed her answer a few moments while looking at her cards and said “him,” pointing to Obama. “I know we’ve had our differences, but somewhere around debate 526 and 527 I realized a lot of his positions make some sense. Plus he’s really good at gin and spit.”
“Got any twos?” Obama responded.
When asked about his position on gun control, Sen. Joe Biden, awakened by an aide, said, through a yawn, “My position on that hasn’t changed since this morning’s debate. We need better screening and tougher enforcement.”
The only candidate who seemed animated and energetic was Congressman Dennis Kucinich. With four empty cans of Red Bull on his podium, Kucinich at one point shouted that “Stagnant wages, expensive health care and rising education costs are vital issues being ignored by the Congress and White House! My opponents in this race aren’t part of the solution, so they’re part of the problem.”
During time allotted for rebuttal, Biden said “I’m with the short guy on that.”
“Yeah,” said Senator Chris Dodd. “What’s his name has it all right.”
To which Clinton added: “Gin!”

China To Export Actual Crap

2007-12-08T15:11:00.000-08:00

After years of foisting crappy merchandise on the American public, China announced this week that it will begin sending actual crap here by the middle of next year.
“We think the market for crap in America is quite large,” said Deng Xiu, a spokesman for the Chinese Trade Council. “If people will buy kids toys covered in lead or coated with a date-rape drug or asbestos, or dog food that kills your dog, they’ll buy anything.”
Chinese sources said they were still exploring the best ways to harvest and ship the crap and what type of profit margin to seek.
Reaction on Capitol Hill was swift. “This afternoon I will be introducing the China Ant-Crap Amendment to existing trade agreements,” said Sen. Charles Schumer of Brooklyn. “Essentially, it says to China: we’re fed up of taking your crap.”

Greenspan Shocker: “I Had No F---ing” Clue

2007-09-20T18:45:00.000-07:00

In a bombshell revelation, former federal reserve chairman Alan Greenspan writes in his new memoir, “The Age Of Turbulence,” that he dropped out of college, lied about his credentials and really doesn’t know the first thing about economics.
“Man, I padded my resume like the seats of a Volvo,” admits the man who, for 19 years in Washington, could affect consumer confidence and shake up Wall Street with his every pronouncement.
Greenspan was an unemployed drifter looking for work as a saxophone player who had dropped out of New York University in the mid-1940s when he began to offer his advice about money to those few friends who had some. “A friend of one friend, who was working toward his MBA, once remarked that what I was saying sounded a lot like laissez-faire capitalism, and I said, “You’re damned right it does.”
It was then, Greenspan said, that he started telling people he had advanced degrees in economics and ultimately won a job at a New York-based think tank, The Conference Board. He then served more than 30 years as chairman and president of Townsend-Greenspan & Co., Inc., an economic consulting firm in New York City, and as chairman of the Council of Economic Advisers under President Gerald Ford before being tapped for the Fed job by Ronald Reagan. He was renominated in 2002 by President George W. Bush.
Greenspan said he often worried about his past catching up to him, but quickly learned “in Washington, it’s amazing how easy you can get away with being a clueless buffoon masquerading as an important leader making world-changing decisions.”

Coming Up: Area Man Could Give A Crap About His Carbon Footprint

Cop On Horse Draws Thousands To Times Square

2007-09-20T18:42:00.000-07:00

New York’s Times Square was swarming in tourists this week as word spread that the area features a police officer mounted on a horse.
“Unbelievable,” said Morris Oskey of Crest Oaks, Delaware, one of several people gathered around the police officer Monday to take digital photos with his cell-phone camera.
“It’s an actual cop on an actual, living breathing horse,” added Oskey as the horse performed a bodily function other than breathing, causing the crowd to gasp in delight and awe.
Another tourist, Cynthia Maynard, who lives in South Hadley, Massachusetts, said that when she first saw Sgt. Ray Iannova and his horse, Kojak, on 45th Street and 7th Avenue, she ran across the street to the NYPD substation in the middle of Times Square to ask if the rider was a real police officer.
“They said he was – with a real badge and working gun,” Maynard gushed. “They said he’s even allowed to write tickets and arrest people.”
“See, the thing is, we don’t need horses anymore,” said Phillip Krebs, a visitor from Wallingford, Connecticut. “We can use cars and motorcycles and bicycles .. it’s not like the olden days. And here’s this cop who chooses to be on a horse. How cool is that?”
After allowing the civilians to be photographed alongside Kojak, Iannova dazzled the crowd with a demonstration of how he could get Kojak to gently step backward, then turn and gallop away. “It’s just like the movies,” one woman shouted.
The crowd of tourists lingered on the spot for another hour, hoping in vain to snap a picture of whoever it was who cleaned up the horse’s manure.
“This is what makes America great and New York the greatest goddam city in the world,” said Queens-born Andrew Gillespie, now living in Chicago but visiting friends in town this week. “Where else you gonna see something like this? Canada?”

Bloomberg Likely To Buy Higher Office

2007-06-20T19:55:00.000-07:00

It appears increasingly likely that New York City Mayor and billionaire Michael R. Bloomberg’s people are appraising other rare public offices for his nascent collection.
The founder of Bloomberg LLP, the financial news corporation, Bloomberg put in the winning bid of $70 million in 2001 to become the Big Apple’s 108th chief executive.
Sources said he has reviewed appraisals of public offices in Europe and Asia, but strongly prefers domestic titles.
Bloomberg recently changed his party registration from Republican to Independent, which observers say is a strong sign he may be seeking to acquire the Mona Lisa of all political jobs, the U.S. presidency.

World Officially Goes To Hell In A Handbasket

2007-06-20T19:49:00.000-07:00

Neatly contained in an enormous but stylish wicker handbasket, the world officially went to hell this morning, where it is expected to remain for some time.
The presentation had been in the making for decades, but became official this week as the Middle East edged closer to complete chaos with violence in Gaza, Lebanon and Iraq, and the out-of-control climate continued to cook the earth. Also, relations between the United States and Russia, continued to sour, raising the prospect of another cold war as North Korea and Iran edged closer to deploying nuclear weapons.
At the same time, every celebrity in Hollywood went into rehab.
In competing statements, both Democrats and Republicans blamed each other for the demise of world order. But House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, joined by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and spiritual guru Deepak Chopra said it was an immutable, and not unpredictable fact, that President Bush had declined over the deliverance of the modern world into hell.

Bush Removes Putin From His Fave 5

2007-06-05T13:00:00.000-07:00

In a sign of escalating tension between the United States and Russia, the White House announced this week that President Vladimir Putin was no longer on President Bush’s T-Mobile “Fave 5” list of frequent calls.
“The president feels he no longer wants to waste free minutes calling Moscow,” said White House spokesman Tony Snow. He declined to say who would take Putin's place, or who else was on the list, but insiders speculate he would add a member of the Saudi royal family or the present leader of Iraq. "That may be risky, because you can't change the five twice within 30 days," said one expert on politics and telecommunications. He noted that said there would soon likely be another opening in the Five, when British prime minister Tony Blair leaves office.
Moscow and Washington have been at odds over Russia's missile defense system as well as Iraq, the Middle East and various economic issues.
Snow said Bush would still call Putin, “but only on nights and weekends.”
He added that, for now, Putin was still on the president’s Instant Messenger buddy list, “but that’s subject to continuous review.”
Unconfirmed reports from the Kremlin said that Putin, in response, had removed Bush’s MySpace profile from his list of bookmarked sites, and had responded to several official e-mails from the White House by clicking “Report Spam.”

House Democrats To Set Timetable For Lohan’s Withdrawal From Drugs

2007-06-05T12:58:00.000-07:00

Desperate for control after efforts to end the war in Iraq faltered, the Democrat-led House of Representatives voted on Monday to mandate actress Lindsay Lohan’s phased withdrawal from alcohol and cocaine by March, 2009.
The vote was divided along party lines, with Republicans saying Lohan’s hands should not be tied in seeking to end her addictions on her own terms. And in a statement, Vice President Dick Cheney said Lohan’s struggle “was in its final throes” and that she should be given the full support and patience of the American people.
But House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she felt Americans wanted to see a light at the end of the tunnel and were tired of being bombarded by images of the former child star passed out, as well as performing in films like the recent bomb “Georgia Rules.”
“It is the responsibility of Congress to show the American people that their long national nightmare is coming to an end,” said Pelosi.
“Pelosi clearly feels that the Democrats have to flex their muscles to stay relevent,” said Washington political guru Brad Featherstone of the Helmsley Institute.
Capitol Hill sources confirmed this week that the Democrats had also considered a bill requiring a phased withdrawal of Rosie O’Donnell from “The View,” before the co-host resigned on her own from the show, and had also penned a draft resolution requiring CBS to set a deadline to fire Katie Couric from The Evening News if ratings did not improve.
Another bill would have limited presidential candidate Rudolph Giuliani to one position on abortion.

Falwell: The Afterlife Bites

2007-05-17T10:32:00.000-07:00

While gratified that his fervent, lifelong belief in the Afterlife was correct, the Rev. Jerry Falwell sent back a bleak assessment of his new home this week.
"It's pretty OK here, I guess," the Moral Majority founder told friends and family via a medium this week. "Everything's super-clean, and the temperature is at a constant balmy 78 degrees or so."
Yet he lamented there was little to do but wander about and talk to other departed souls. "Time doesn't really pass the way it does on Earth," he said. "You start talking to someone and it could be five, ten minutes or 10,000 millennia. You never really know." He said he had heard rumors that golf, fishing and shuffleboard were available somewhere, but had yet to locate those activities. "It feels more like checking into a one-star resort than going on to my eternal reward and finding communion with the Lord and Savior," Falwell sighed.
Most upsetting to the fiery fundamentalist is that he has not yet had an audience with God. "They keep telling me His schedule is packed, someone will get back to me soon," Falwell lamented, adding that the Afterlife was inexplicably filled with believers and non-believers alike, of all different faiths.
"It's like you show up to a show expecting really great seats that you saved up for your whole life and you find out that everyone else has the exact same tickets," said the reverend.
Falwell said he was passing the time, so to speak, by reading the Bible and some old magazines, and was thinking about joining the Aferlife Chorus and chess club.

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Bush Now Using Every Sentence To Defend War

2007-05-14T12:22:00.000-07:00

Battling Congress over continued U.S. presence in Iraq, and with his approval rating streadily dropping, President Bush has taken to using his every utterance to defend the unpopular war, Washington observers have noted.
In a speech on Sunday commemorating of he 400th anniversary of Jamestown, the first English settlement in America, Bush told the crowd: “The advance of freedom is the great story of our time, and new chapters are being written every day, from Georgia and Ukraine, to Kyrgyzstan and Lebanon, to Afghanistan and Iraq. From our own history, we know the path to democracy is long, and it's hard. There are many challenges, and there are setbacks along the way. Yet we can have confidence in the outcome, because we've seen freedom's power to transform societies before.”
Later, in a Mother’s Day call to former first lady Barbara Bush, the president was heard saying “Mothers like you are the reason victory in Iraq is so important. Like our troops, you uphold our values and our way of life.”
That evening, when asked what he wanted for dinner, Bush reportedly said “Although our appetite for victory is large, it requires sacrifices, and so I’ll have something simple, like a sandwich or a salad platter. Maybe some pasta.”

Vilsack's Supporter Outraged By Exit

2007-02-27T07:09:00.000-08:00

The supporter of former Iowa governor Tom Vilsack said he was outraged that the brief presidential candidate bowed out of the '08 Democratic primary this week.
"We were gaining momentum," said Fred Hornsberg of Jackson, Mississippi. "By the end of the week I have no doubt we would have had double the people on our donnor list, and maybe even as many as three."
Hornsberg had donated $475 to Vilsack's fledgling campaign, bringing the governor's war chest to $520.
"I'm just devastated," said Hornsberg, who met Vilsack at a roadside diner in Iowa one afternoon when Vilsack stopped for coffee and Hornsberg was waiting for assistance from the AAA after his car stalled. "Who do I support now? Who even heard of these other guys."

Cheney Says Britney’s Career ‘Going Well’

2007-02-26T11:48:00.000-08:00

Vice President Dick Cheney, a consistent optimist about U.S. progress in Iraq, said Monday that Britney Spears career “seems to be going well.”
Cheney said reports that the pop star had recently split from her husband, been caught in embarrassing photos, shaved her head, repeatedly entered rehab, and the fact that she has no upcoming album releases or concert dates “are all good signs. It shows that she’s nearing a turning point.”
Cheney’s optimism follows other recent predictions that the insurgency in Iraq is “in its final throes” and that the departure of British troops was “a good sign” because it showed the situation stabilizing.
Also weighing in on Spears this week, on a more pragmatic note, was former secretary of defense Donald Rumsfeld, who acknowledged that Spears recent career path was troubling, but said the country should deal with “the pop diva you have, not the pop diva you want to have.”

Everyone Kid Knows Jumps Off Roof

2007-02-26T11:46:00.001-08:00

Sixteen-year-old Billy Anspaugh of Decatur, Georgia was left in a perplexing bind Tuesday as everyone he knows began to jump off a roof.
For two hours, Billy was left to decide whether to follow suit, or blaze his own path and abstain from jumping.
“It was just like my mother asked,” Billy recalled later. “Anytime I said ‘everyone I know goes to rated R movies or everyone I know has a cell phone, she always asked ‘if everyone you know jumped off a roof, would you do it too?”
Because he considered the question rhetorical and too hypothetical to contemplate, Billy never formulated an actual plan of action for the scenario.
“It never occurred to me it could actually happen,” he said.
In the end, Billy opted not to jump, earning high praise from his teachers and parents, all of whom did jump. “You got to hand it to that kid,” said Phil Brownstein, principal of Truman High School in Decatur, as he recovered from his injuries. “He really passed that roof test.”
Billy’s 416 friends, acquaintances and relatives were treated at Decatur Memorial Hospital for a variety of injuries, none of which were listed as life-threatening.

Dems Agree To Troop Surge, But Via Jet Blue

2007-02-20T12:00:00.000-08:00

In a compromise between the Democratic controlled Congress and the White House, the 21,000 additional troops sought by President Bush will go to Iraq, but via the trouble-plagued airline Jet Blue.
The airline, which was forced to cancel dozens of flights, stranding thousands of passengers during Valentine’s Day week, immediately welcomed the news and promised to ferry the troops to Iraq with all due haste.
But House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she was confident the agreement would be a victory for the anti-war movement. “By the time those flights get off the ground, Bush will be out of office,” Pelosi said Sunday. “In fact, we’ll all be out of office.”
Anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan welcomed the news, saying that while spending long periods of time in a plane sitting on the tarmac was annoying, it was far better than duty in Iraq. “You don’t have to worry about bringing the troops home if they never leave home,” said Sheehan.
White House spokesman Tony Snow said the president had full confidence in the plan, saying Jet Blue CEO David Neeleman was doing “a heck of a job.”

"Weekend At Bernie's" Scorer Andy Summers Pleased He Could Find Time For Police Reunion Tour

2007-02-19T11:02:00.000-08:00

Rock guitarist Andy Summers said this week he was glad he was able to clear his schedule for the upcoming reunion tour of the Police, with former bandmates Stewart Copeland and Gordon Sumner (aka Sting).
"For a while, I really wasn't sure it all would work out, what with all the balls I have in the aair," Summers told MusicWorldToday.com in an interview following the annoucement of the 2007 tour, which kicks off in March. "But Sting called me up and started talking about all the fond memories and how it could be just like old times, and I kind of couldn't say no to him."
After the breakup of The Police in 1986, Summers worked on musical scores for such films as "Down and Out in Beverly Hills" and "Weekend at Bernie's." He also led the band on the talk show hosted by comedian Dennis Miller and had several guest spots on TV shows and appearances in films. He later toured with the bands Rush Hour and Animal Logic.
"It'll be great to see the guys again," he said of Copeland and Sting. "They can really use the money and exposure."

Coming up: Area man insists flattering Wikipedia entry on him written by someone else.

Millions Of Americans Learn Ford Was President

2007-01-03T08:07:00.000-08:00

Tens of millions of Americans this week learned that there was a president named Gerald R. Ford in the recent past. Many of them also learned that he had been a member of Congress and vice president prior to becoming president. A lucky few even learned that Ford, who came from a state called Michigan, had become president after the resignation of another president. "His name was Richard and he did something bad," said Howie Penn of Baltimore.
Unfortunately the president named Ford died this week. He was very old.
"I knew we had Bush, and another guy named Bush who might have been his brother or son, and George Clinton and Ronald Reagan," said Craig Billigsley of Providence, Rhode Island, as he watched coverage of Ford's funeral at Dickie's BBQ this week. "There may have been two or three more in there that I'm missing. That's in my life, I mean. I wasn't alive when they had Washington and Benjamin Franklin and those guys. Obviously."

Oprah Opens School For Scandal Damaged Celebrities
Flush from her successful opening of an elite academy for disadvantaged girls in South Africa, Oprah Winfrey this week announced this week that she was turning her attention to a school for scandal-plagued celebrities in Malibu.
"Sometimes the people in your own backyard are the ones that need help the most but escape our attention," Winfrey said through a publicist. "This is a chance to give something back here at home."
The school will offer classes in image rehabilitation, racial tolerance and diversity, successful parenting, safe dieting, recommended reading and plenty of helpful household trips, all intended to build a better self-image. "A celebrity that's happy inside is a celebrity that the public can be happy with," said Winfrey, who gets overwhelmingly positive coverage in tabloids and gossip pages.
Insiders say Winfrey has yet to sort through the applications for the Enquiring Minds Academy, as it is tentatively called. While Mel Gibson, Britney Spears, Michael Jackson, Michael Richards and Lindsay Lohan may seem natural applicants, reps for each of them had no comment. A source said several former child stars, including ex-"Partridge Family" actor Danny Bonaduce, had filed applications and provided references.

Coming up:
U.S. Fears Rosie-Trump Fued Can Lead To Sectarian Violence
Actor Burt Young Equally Proud Of His Non-Rocky Work
Poll: Majority Of Iraqis Want Dead Saddam Put Back In Power

Pluto To Earth: "Downgrade This!"

2006-12-21T10:38:00.000-08:00

Fed up with being disrespected by Earth scientists, the previously unknown government of Pluto reacted angrily this week when word finally arrived that the International Astronimical Union had reclassified the former Ninth Planet as a "dwarf" or "minor planet.
Stripping Pluto of its full-planet status, the astromers last August designated the body simply "No. 134340."
The Plutonians only learned of this change this week because it takes months for radio waves emanating from Earth to reach the far edges of the solar system.
"We had to find out about this from, of all things, a joke on Conan O'Brien," wrote the Pluto spokesman Xwarlf, in a terse letter beamed to CNN, apparently originating several weeks ago. "You Earthers think you're all that and a bag of chips. Well let me tell you, at least our climate isn't warming, we have no endless wars and we don't have to put up with Britney, Rosie O'Donnell and Dr. Phil."
He added, "don't think we've forgotten how you dissed us by naming that dopey Disney character after us."
The letter, in which Xwarlf explained that Plutonians learned English from the U.S. sattelite broadcasts, concludes with several Pltonian insults and obscenities, and the words "Downgrade This!"
Xwarlf also said his planet had amassed a collection of deep space probes and other "floating garbage" launched from Earth and intended to deliver it back where it came from as soon as it developed interplanetary space travel. "Just because you're a supposedly 'major planet' doesn't give you the right to litter up the solar system."

Bush's Microsoft Office Study Group To Issue Recommendations

2006-12-13T06:43:00.000-08:00

President Bush has announced that he will put off any action on Iraq until after he has reviewed the findings of his Microsoft Office Study Group.
The White House appointed the 6-member committee, comprised mostly of computer consultants, to help the president and his cabinet members make better use of the Microsoft Office system on their desktop computers.
"There's all kinds of stuff on Word I never knew about, like drag and drop editing," the president said at a press conference. "And a good command of Excel makes it much easier to review appropriations and exercise the line-item veto. I can even use Picture It to look at sattelite photos and print them out any size I want."
The chairman of the study groups, Wayne Hammond of the Bethesda-based InterSystems LLC, said he had now thoroughly reviewed the White House's needs and was preparing a PowerPoint presentation for senior staff. "There's no reason to cut and run from Office," said Hammond. "That's a little joke, see."
Bush said he would thoroughly review the report but would not be bound by its findings.

Bush Apologizes To Anyone Offended By His Presidency

2006-12-06T11:13:00.000-08:00

Following a recent string of public celebrity apologies, President Bush this week apologized to the nation to those who were offended by his being president for the past six years.
"In my attempt to be this nation's chief executive, I have offended a lot of people, and I am deeply, deeply sorry," Bush said in an address from the Oval Office. "For me to be in the White House and flip out and say and do this crap ... I'm not incompetent, that's what's so insane about this. Please know that incompetence of any kind goes against my faith."
The president's words were similar to those issued by actors Michael Richards and Mel Gibson after they launched into tirades against blacks and Jews, respectively.

Pamela Anderson Ready For Next Divorce

2006-11-28T08:51:00.000-08:00

Unlucky-at-love actress Pamela Anderson says she's moved on from her brief but stormy marriage to singer Kid Rock and is ready for her next unsuccessful relationship. A spokesman for Anderson said the former "Baywatch" babe could move on to her next divorce as soon as this spring.
"She's already had the papers drawn up for this break-up and the next one," spokesman Phil Lampone told Us Weekly. "She figures it will save time to do them both at once."
Lampone said Anderson's lawyers had crafted "fill-in-the-blanks" divorce papers for her to sign now and file with California state authorities. This will enable her to look one full relationship ahead to "the a--hole she hooks up with after the a--hole she dumps after she's through with this a--hole."
Anderson's previous marriage was to Motley Crue rocker Tommy Lee.

Congressman Did Not Approve Answering Machine Message

2006-11-06T12:32:00.001-08:00

Taking campaign rules to an extreme, Rep. Fred Wayne of New Hampshire's 5th district apologized this week after learning that his daughter had recorded a message on the family's answering machine that he did not approve.
"I'm Fred Wayne and I did not approve this message," the congressman told reporters at a press conference in Concord on Thursday. He then played the message in which his 14-year-old daughter Heather sings a version of the 80s Blondie hit "Call Me" followed by instructions for the caller to leave a name and number at the sound of the tone.
"The song contains suggestive lyrics that are out of step with the family values message of my campaign," said Wayne. "I appreciate the wit that Heather was trying to get across, but she failed to have the message properly vetted. She has been duly reprimanded and barred from further use of the answering machine, except to replay incoming messages."
As of Friday, the Wayne family answering machine now plays a version of the 70s ELO hit "Telephone Line," brief instructions on leaving a message, followed by the congressman's voice saying "I'm Fred Wayne and I approved this message."

Guy Who Once Shared Cab With Jack Abramoff Resigns From Insurance Job

2006-10-19T11:52:00.000-07:00

A Baltimore man has resigned from his job as an associate insurance underwriter after it was revealed that he once shared a cab with disgraced DC lobbyist Jack Abramoff.
Phil Schumann, 41, admitted this week that he shared the cab with Abramoff in November, 2002 when he was in a hurry to get to Union Station to catch a train home after a meeting.
"We both got to the corner at the same time and were both going to the train station, so we figured why not just split it," said Schumman, who said he had never before met Abramoff.
But Schumann admitted that, while sharing the cost of the cab, he allowed Abramoff the pay the entire $2 tip to cabby Wally Linkford, which could be considered an in-kind benefit from Abramoff.
While no regulation in the insurance industry or at Schumann's brokerage, First United Mutual, precludes receiving gifts from lobbyists, Schumman said he wanted to preclude any appearance of impropriety.

Every Possible Country Song Now Recorded

2006-09-06T10:29:00.000-07:00

With the release of seven new country music CDs on Sept. 12, every country song that could possibly be recorded has now been released, industry experts said.
The latest offerings are Shooter Jennings' "Live At Irving Plaza," Randy Rogers Band's "Just A Matter Of Time," Steve Azar's "Indianola," Carolina Rain's "Weather The Storm," Kenny Chesney's "Live Those Songs Again," Emerson Drive's "Countrified," and Darryl Worley's "Here & Now."
"With these releases, every possible combination of rural life and love lost in the Carolinas, Kentucky, Texas, Tennessee and Oklahoma has been made," said Billy Ferguson of CMWatch. "There are simply no more possible lyrics to write about going off to war and coming back to find your bride ran off with the tractor mechanic. And there's just nothing original left to sing about how the boys have all grown up and left the ranch and there's no one around to tend the crops and herds, and the Lord just don't have no mercy on a cowboy."
But that doesn't mean the end of country music, said Ferguson.
"I reckon most of these acts will continue to do concerts and record live albums, maybe cover each other's music a little, and maybe experiment with rock and R&B," said Ferguson. "Maybe the experience will inspire a whole new breed of music."

Earth's Environment Threatened By Clash Of Rosie O'Donnell's And Barbara Walters' Egos

2006-09-06T09:55:00.000-07:00

The clash of egos on ABC's "The View" program now that Rosie O'Donnell has joined the show could be so strong that Earth's environment may literally be ripped away by cataclysmic forces, environmentalists and gossip columnists warned at a joint press conference in New York Tuesday.
Scientists had already registered a serious impact on the environment during the turbulent period when Star Jones left the show. But when O'Donnell was signed as her replacement, they began to project doomsday scenarios.
"There is the strong possibility of Category 3 hubris from O'Donnel combining with Category 5 vanity from Barbara Walters," said Walter Gossmeyer, editor of the Web site CelebDisaster.com. "Taken together, these two forces could build up enough pressure to blow the roof off the studio. Bring the wrong guest onto the set -- like Alec Baldwin, whose so full of himself his ego could power downtown Seattle -- and you're talking a perfect storm. The resulting pulsations of self-involvement could become an irresistable force. How Joy Behar's pettiness affects the picture is a whole other question."
In the worst-case scenario, the group warned that bringing all five stars of "Desperate Housewives" to the set at the same time, and asking them to pose for a photo, would unleash an ego storm of such magnitude that civilization itself may not survive.
"Like it or not, here I am!" Rosie shouted Tuesday during the taping of her first show. Walters later asked "What's all the fuss about?"
But Gossmeyer said scientists at a monitoring station in Ohio had already picked up dangerous seismic readings. "Take some of that negative karma from Dan Rather aimed at Katie Couric and add that to the mix, and we've got a dangerous witches' brew," he said.

Wikipedia Knows More About You Than You

2006-08-23T10:06:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while, Phillip K. Blakely of Gary, Ind., likes to Google his name, to see what information about himself has been posted on the Internet.
"Usually it's just my property records, high school reunion list, stuff like that," said Blakely, 28, a mail room supervisor at a law firm.
But last week Blakely was shocked to see that the third item on his search results page was a link to a full biography of Blakely on Wikipedia, the fast-growing online encyclopedia.
"I didn't submit it," said Blakely. "My wife or parents didn't submit it. And yet they know everything about me."
The entry for Blakely included his accurate birth date, a list of schools he attended from nursery through Ivy Tech Community College in Gary, as well as his wedding date and some rather lurid details about his sex life, which Blakely tried to amend. That portion of the entry now reads "portions of this section are disputed."
Blakely was also intrigued to learn that he was adopted and that his 11th grade girlfriend, Missy Hollander, cheated on him with the captain of the varsity basketball team.

Lieberman To Form His Own Senate

2006-08-16T07:56:00.000-07:00

Pushed out if his own party by Democratic primary voters and opposed by the Republicans, Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman said he'll form his own Senate if he fails to be elected as an independent in November.
"It's time for new ideas and new directions," Lieberman told an audience at a campaign stop in Norwalk. "If the Democrats, Republicans and independents aren't ready for those ideas and directions, then we'll have to take an even bolder initiative."
That means starting a new Senate, possibly a new House of Representatives and even a new presidency, Lieberman added. "I know that may seem like a problem constitutionally," Lieberman said. "But my new Supreme Court will fix that right up."
Lieberman said he'll begin seeking candidates for the Lieberman legislature on November 9 if he loses his seat in what he called "the old Senate," shortly after swearing himself in as majority leader.
Lieberman, a three-term incumbent who lost the Democratic nomination to novice challenger Ned Lamont, insisted he was not out of step with his constituents for voting with Democrats on most domestic issues while supporting President Bush on the Iraq war and foreign policy.
"I've been a proud Demopublican my whole career," Lieberman said, "although sometimes I've not hesitated to be a Republicrat."

Mel Gibson To Campaign With George Allen

2006-08-16T07:16:00.001-07:00

After hearing that Republican Senator George Allen of Virginia disparaged a Democratic operative of Asian descent by calling him "macaca" at a campaign event, Hollywood actor and bigotry poster boy Mel Gibson this week promised to campaign with him.
"I'm not an anti-Semite just because I slur the Jews," said Gibson in a statement released by his publicist, Sy Goldberg. "And by the same token, Sen. Allen isn't a racist just because he calls a guy with dark skin an epithet used by French colonials in Africa to deride the natives.'
Gibson said it was "time for people to lighten up and get a sense of humor. Or do the Jews own that, too."
In other Gibson news, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad -- who has sworn to eliminate Israel with nuclear bombs -- has reportedly banned the actor from visiting his country, saying that hosting Gibson might make him look bad.

Passengers Now Required To Fly Naked

2006-08-16T07:09:00.000-07:00

All passengers boarding domestic flights will be forced to disrobe at the security gate and fly naked, the Federal Aviation Administration and the Transportation Security Agency announced today.
The complete clothing and carry-on luggage ban will virtually eliminate the possibility of smuggling dangerous objects aboard planes, said Homeland Security director Michael Chertoff. "Plus," he added, "it might make long flights a bit less boring."
The new rules, said Chertoff, would also eliminate the need for x-ray and metal detector machines, although some passengers would still be subjected to cavity searches.
A spokesman for United Airlines this week noted that the new guidelines were likely to enhance security, but expressed concern that health considerations would now require that airline seats be replaced after each flight.

International Space Station Gets Extreme Makeover

2006-07-12T06:11:00.000-07:00

The space shuttle Discovery's mission took a commercial turn on Tuesday as Ty Pennington, host of ABC's "Extreme Makeover," emerged from the spacecraft to reveal plans for the remodeled International Space Station.
Crews that had been hidden aboard the ship with Pennington immediately got to work building a new cedar-wood sundeck on the station's starboard exterior, along with a refurbished eat-in kitchen and a workout room complete with sauna and jacuzzi. Pennington admitted that NASA scientists were still ironing out plans for the jacuzzi to function in zero gravity without flooding the station with floading clouds of water.
NASA administrator Michael Griffin said this phase of the mission would be a "win-win for everyone involved," providing great publicity for both the ABC reality show and NASA and would help recoup some of the cost of the ridiculously expensive, and increasingly pointless, shuttle program.

Kim Jong-Il Pierces Tongue, Wrecks Car In Latest Bid For Attention

2006-07-10T13:04:00.000-07:00

Ratcheting up his efforts to win the attention of world powers, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il had his tongue and other body-parts pierced, sources said, after a late-night partying binge in which he also wrecked his family's SUV.
Intelligence sources said Kim's bad behavior has increased since a Fourth of July rocket test last week failed to win as much attention as the World Cup soccer matches and the death of former Enron CEO Ken Lay.
"Who do you have to [expletive] to get a full day of coverage on CNN these days," Kim was quoted as saying in an interview with a Pyongyang radio station.
The White House declined to comment on Kim's latest antics. "We'll get around to studying that, just as soon as we finish that upcoming study on climate change," said spokesman Tony Snow, referring to a report that is due in late 2007.
A further enraged Kim Jong-Il then left a five-pound bag of maraijuana in his home just as reporters were visiting and got his girlffriend pregnant.

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*Workaholic Goes 90 Days Without Workahol
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*Homeland Security Dept. Considering Scratch'N Sniff Terror Alerts
*US Troops Discover DMVs in Baghdad
*West Bank Announces More Branches, Better Hours
*Moon Hits Akron, OH, Man's Eye Like A Big Pizza Pie
*Twelve Injured In PC Hard-Drive Crash
*Chasidic Porn Surfer Finds No Google Results Under"Shmutz"

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS:
* Month Passes Without New Jude Law Movie
* Halle Berry Offered $12 Million To Not Make "Catwoman 2"
* Network Plans Series Of Events Based On TV Movies
* New Series, "Law and Order: Overkill," Begins Production
* Harrison Ford, 62, To Film "Raiders Of The Pension Fund"

NASA Jubiliant As Shuttle Doesn't Fall Apart

2006-06-26T11:02:00.000-07:00

Officials of NASA's shuttle program were ecstatic Tuesday as the aging orbiter Discovery made it into orbit with only a few pieces flying off.
"Foam, shmoam," said NASA administrator Michael Griffin, when asked about the insulation on the shuttle's external fuel tank that, once again, was seen flying off the ship during liftoff. "Nine-nine point ninety-nine percent of the ship made it off the launchpad. We're focused on that."
When a reporter noted that the space agency had spent millions of dollars studying how to keep the foam insulation on the ship after one troubled launch and one disaster, Griffin said: "As of an hour ago, the thing is holding together, and our fingers are crossed that 80-90 percent of it comes down in one piece, with all the astronauts fit as a fiddle."
The launch came just days after NASA technicians were seen coating antennae with aluminum foil as the damn Hubble Telescope went on the fritz for the fourth time this year.
"Dad-gum it," said Griffin then. "We done paid about a half-zillion dollars for this bucket of orbiting bolts. Is it too much to ask to get a decent six months outta the thang."
NASA observers were monitoring a key cluster of gasseous clouds near Alpha Centurai around 11 AM this morning when the picture suddenly blinked out. "We was just getting to the best part and BAM," said Fred Halstead of Jet Propulsion Laboratories. "Now we'll never know if those clouds completely dissipated or merged into a field with a larger mass."
Griffin told reporters that by coating the giant rabbit-ear antennae with foil and having 73 volunteers stand in a ring around them while holding hands he was able to tune in for the remaining five minutes of the cloud formation. But he said a long-term solution would have to be found in the future. "We may have to spring for one of them newfangled plasma, flatscreen telescopes," he said. "Hope we can get it on layaway."

New Ann Coulter Book To Slam Handicapped, Homeless, Poor and Elderly

2006-06-26T08:21:00.000-07:00

Encouraged by soaring sales of her new book attacking 9-11 widows, among others, conservative commentator Ann Coulter is shopping around a new mansucript that takes on the handicapped, homeless, poor and elderly as "needless drains on society," a publishing source said today.
Coulter, who has refused to apologize for her comments calling the widows "self-obsessed" and "witches" who "celebrated" their husbands' deaths, is toying with the title "Wastoids" for her new book.
"This could mean a new low in exploitation of low-hanging fruit for a quick profit," the publishing source said.
In other news, the Dixie Chicks, now embracing their role as ditty-singing political activists, have announced that they're contemplating a run for Senate in Texas next year, while Larry the Cable Guy has formed a presidential exploratory committee, sources report.

Most Americans See Bush As A Quick Wrong-Decision-Maker, Poll Says

2006-06-23T11:25:00.000-07:00

Contrasting President Bush with a host of Washington figures viewed as wafflers and flip-floppers, a majority of Americans believe that he is quick, firm and resolute at arriving at his wrong decisions.
"Nearly 90 percent of those polled believe the president has virtually no trouble making up his mind," said Phil Cabrini of the Smith Insitute for Public Research. "They also believe, 72 percent to 26 percent, that he takes the time to listen to both sides of an argument before getting on the wrong side."
Ten thousand Americans in all fifty states were polled about the president's quick mistake-making process over a period of five days. Only eight percent of Americans said they believed the president took too long to screw things up.
When asked about the poll, Sen. John Kerry, the Massachusetts Democrat who lost to Bush in 2004, said he needed more time to analyze the data, while Hillary Rodham Clinton of New York said she would release a statement as early as July 1st.

Peter's Interest Rate Up 0.125%

2006-06-22T12:25:00.000-07:00

Taking from Peter to pay Paul will cost an extra 0.125 percent after Peter raised the interest rate this week for the first time in recent memory. "Paul's been getting paid up the wazoo," sid Peter. "Me? All I got are debt markers. Tons of them."
By raising the interest rate, Peter said he hoped fewer people would take from him and those who do would repay sooner.
In related news, as of this week those who are penny-wise will now by Euro-foolish.

Stories We're Watching:

*Wife Who Shot Preacher Kicked Off Bake Sale Committee
*Britney Wants Her Virginity Back
*God Switching To G-Mail
*50-Cent Named Director Of Homeboy Security
*Bisexuals Love Apple’s New Bi-Pod
*White House Plan Would Create Privatized Daylight Savings Accounts
*Cancer Bestows Lifetime Achievement Award On Tobacco Company
*Honorary Degree A Big Boost To Man's Honorary Career
*Workaholic Goes 90 Days Without Workahol
*Reform School For Vandals Shut Down By High Maintenance Costs
*Homeland Security Dept. Considering Scratch'N Sniff Terror Alerts
*US Troops Discover DMVs in Baghdad
*West Bank Announces More Branches, Better Hours
*Moon Hits Akron, OH, Man's Eye Like A Big Pizza Pie
*Twelve Injured In PC Hard-Drive Crash
*Chasidic Porn Surfer Finds No Google Results Under"Shmutz"

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS:
* Month Passes Without New Jude Law Movie
* Halle Berry Offered $12 Million To Not Make "Catwoman 2"
* Network Plans Series Of Events Based On TV Movies
* New Series, "Law and Order: Overkill," Begins Production
* Harrison Ford, 62, To Film "Raiders Of The Pension Fund"

Ceremony Marks 100,000th Person Sucking Up To Trump

2006-06-08T10:51:00.000-07:00

Donald Trump held a ceremony and press conference at his New York offices Thursday to mark the 100,000th person to suck up to him since he began keeping count four years ago.
Analysts say the level of sucking up to Trump has drastically increased in the last several years, despite recent failed casino deals in Atlantic City and other setbacks, largely because of his successful NBC reality show, "The Apprentice."
"People really want to get on that show," said Sy Kofant, a professional Trump watcher. "And why wouldn't they? Mr. Trump is the biggest thing in America since the internal combustion engine. And he looks great, too. His kids are gorgous."
The 100,000 suckup was Phil Dritzler, a investment manager from Manalapan, New Jersey, who wrote Trump a 17-page adulatory letter accompanying his resume. "This kid has a long future of sucking up ahead of him," Trump told Entertainment Tonight.

After Circling Four Times Looking For Spot, Queen Mary 2 Docks in Brooklyn

2006-04-17T08:54:00.000-07:00

The Queen Mary 2 arrived in Brooklyn Saturday two hours late, after circling New York Harbor twice to find a parking spot. The ship then waited another hour while the previous ship's captain smoked and talked on his cell phone before pulling out.
Throngs of spectators and muggers were on hand as the world's largest luxury liner pulled into a berth in Red Hook, Brooklyn.
"What the bloody hell are we doing in Brooklyn?" the ship's master purser, Quinton Gregory, said as the gangplank descended. "Is the bleedin' compass on the fritz?"
After the ship's crew and several hundred passengers were mugged, looters promptly descended on the ship and began removing food, liquor, TVs, beds and even lifeboats.
"Welcome to Brooklyn, capital of the world!" Borough President Marty Markowitz declared, waving his arms in the air, which made it easier for his mugger to get at his wallet. "We hope this will pave the way for other cruise ships and luxury hotels to see all that Brooklyn has to offer."
But before Markowitz finished his statement, the QE2 suddenly backed out of its slip, sideswiping a Chinese freighter, and quickly spend back to open sea.

Freed Hostage Jill Carroll Looking Forward To Family, Rest, Reflection, Book Deal

2006-03-30T07:42:00.000-08:00

After three months held hostage by Iraqi insurgents, American journalist Jill Carroll says she can't wait to see her family, take a long vacation and spend some time reflecting on her experience. "That and the biggest mother-rocking book deal you ever saw," Carroll told reporters as she left Baghdad. "Oprah's gonna eat this one alive!"
Carroll, a correspondent for the Christian Science Monitor, said she spent her time in captivity praying, trying to reason with her captors and "wondering if HarperCollins or Random House will pay a bigger advance."
Carroll added, "Hey I wasn't out there looking to get kidnapped, but since it happened, can't take it back ... what the hell. I get rich, the terrorists get their story told, the publisher cleans up, everybody wins."

State Department Names Sharon Stone Ambassador To World's Idiots

2006-03-17T08:31:00.000-08:00

After a press conference in Israel in which she spoke of people wanting to see her "boobies" in an upcoming film, actress Sharon Stone has been tapped by the State Department to be its official ambassador to the world's idiots.
"This is a crucially important post," said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. "She will be our voice to an increasingly large portion of the world."
Stone, 48, was at the Peres Center for Peace last week in Tel Aviv when she told reporters that her views on the Middle East didn't seem as important to many people as whether she appeared nude in "Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction," the sequel to her breakthrough role.
"People are just sitting there going, like, 'I don't care what she's saying. I don't care what she's saying. I just want to know is she getting naked? Is she getting naked in that movie? Is she naked? Nude? Nude? Naked? Do I see her boobies?'" the actress told reporters. "The answer is: yes."
After the conference Shimon Peres, the Israeli political leader and 80-year-old candidate for prime minister who invited Stone, took several minutes to stand up from his seat, leaving only after everyone else had gone.
Stone was later quoted saying "I'll kiss just about anyone for peace," which reportedly prompted numerous calls to her agent from North Korea's Kim Jong Il, Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Syria's Bashar Assad and former US president Bill Clinton.
Following Stone's performance in Israel, the White House and State Department immediately saw an opening for Stone to be their emissary to drooling letches, morons and idiots around the world.
Stone's publicist said she will consider accepting the job after a promotional tour for the film and "getting her boobies done."

Destitute Of The World Cheer News Of Possible Water On Saturn Moon

2006-03-15T08:14:00.000-08:00

The world's poor, hungry, homeless and fatally ill cheered nearly in unison last week when NASA announced that a space probe has uncovered strong evidence that water exists on Enceladus, a moon of Saturn.
"I can't freaking believe it," said Tadzik Karema, whose home in Bandar Aceh was destroyed by the massive Asian tsunami in December, 2004. "Do you know what this means? Water is the basis of life. Of course, you know, we had a bit too much of it over here, but that's another story."
Imru Haili of Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, heard the news while searching for animal carcasses to feed his family. "For real?" he asked. "Water on Enceladus? Wow. Now if only there was some clean drinking water around here."
Haili added that the news was so exciting it almost made him forget that for the cost of that NASA space probe "you could feed my entire village for the next 300 years."
Felicia Wilson, who is in the end stages of lung cancer, removed her oxygen mask when told of the news at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Hospital in Manhattan and said: "I may not live long enough to hear the next report about that space probe, but I'll go to my grave with the hope that even if cancer won't be cured any time in the near future, we will have answers about the possibility of microscopic marine bacteria on Enceladus."

"Rent" Showtune Stuck In Calif. Man's Head For Past 8 Months

2006-03-14T15:55:00.000-08:00

Philip K. Rothberger of Laguna Beach, California hasn't seen the Broadway show "Rent," nor the film adaption. Nor has he purchased or even listened to the soundtrack.
But Rothberger, 31, a retail sales manager, has been unable to stop humming "Seasons of Love," the production's signature production number since hearing it in a commercial eight months ago. To make matters worse, Rothberger hardly knows any of the lyrics.
"I know its 525,000 something ... something ... something," said Rothberger. "Then they repeat that a few times and its 525,000 something else. It's really aggravating."
Rothberger has tried everything from listening repeatedly to Led Zeplin albums to hypnosis, but is unable to shake the tune, composed by the late Jonathan Larson. I think I've hummed it, well, like 525,000 times. It's a really catchy tune.
Still, Rothberger says he has no interest in seeing the play or movie or buying the soundtrack. "I really don't like musicals so much," he said.

Hate Group's Web Site Not So User-Friendly

2006-03-07T11:22:00.000-08:00

When Jack L. Cullen of Biscayne, Florida, recently stumbled across a Web site for "Purify America," a leading hate group, he found much of the content interesting, and wanted to share it with friends who don't have Internet access.
But after numerous clicks, he was unable to locate the familiar icon to make the articles "printer-friendly."
"The pages kept coming out with the words going over the margins," complained Cullen, 33, who admits to being bigoted against just about everyone. It was therefore impossible to produce ledgible printouts of such articles "Seal Our Borders Now" and "Nuke Them All."
"It was almost like no one gave any thought at all to making a visit to their site an enjoyable and informative visit," said Cullen. "Don't they care about having their site bookmarked and referred to other people? I don't think I'd forward this link to anyone."
Michel R. Peters of Hatewatch.com, an expert on Internet hate sites, says that a majority of them don't take the time to make their pages easier to use. "The more racist, sexist, homophobic or xenophobic you are, the less likely you are to care if you are user-friendly," he said.
Cullen said he was unable to find the familiar "Contact Us" icon to address his complaints. "It ruined the whole experience of Internet hate for me," he said. "It's just sad."

Bush Announces Nuclear Proliferation Act

2006-03-02T13:31:00.000-08:00

In a surprise announcement during his visit to Pakistan today, President Bush unveiled a plan to arm every country on the planet with nuclear weapons by 2010.
The Worldwide Nuclear Proliferation Treaty would ensure that no nation used a weapon of mass destruction on an enemy for fear of retalliation.
"We've given non-proliferation a shot," said the president at a press conference. "Now it's time to think outside the box. We not only give up trying to stop Iran from building the bomb, we give it to them. North Korea, too. Then we look em in the eye and say 'G'head, make my day.' "
The president then offered to take questions, but the reporters just sat and stared at him blanky.

Internet Seen Lowering Attention Spans

2006-03-01T08:37:00.000-08:00

A new survey found that people who regularly use the Internet are more likely to suffer from shortened attention sp

Networks Compete To Have Someone Else Broadcast '08 Olympics

2006-03-01T06:33:00.000-08:00

After reviewing the ratings for the Winter Olympic Games in Turin, the major networks each began a fierce competition ensure that someone else will broadcast the 08 games in Beijing.
More people tuned in to see "American Idol," "Desperate Housewives" and an infomercial for Craftmatic adjustable beds than watched the Turin games. Not only were the ratings low, but a survey by the Nielson group of people who don't have TVs showed that a majority said they wouldn't watch the games if they had one.
NBC, which broadcast the games this year, has reportedly offered ABC $25 million to broadcast the 08 games. Fox, meanwhile, has announced a new slate of programming to air during the 08 games, tentatively titled "Not The Olympics."

Bush Creates Approval Ratings Deficit

2006-03-01T06:22:00.000-08:00

President Bush's approval rating has sunk so low that the next two people elected to the White House will take office with negative poll ratings, analysts announced Wednesday.
"He's the first president with an approval deficit," said Larry J. Lundsberger of the Carlson Institute for Public Policy. "That means he's used up so much political capital, he has to borrow from his next two successors. We may be feeling this for decades to come."
Lundsberger cited the rapidly deteriorating situation in Iraq and the controversy over a deal to turn over management of major ports to a foreign company as key factors in driving the poll numbers into the basement. "Having your vice president shooting folks doesn't help matters much, either," he added.

Tom Cruise Named "Flakiest Man Alive"

2006-02-15T09:53:00.000-08:00

Movie star Tom Cruise, who recently bounced on Oprah Winfrey's couch to declare his love for starlet Katie Holmes, was named "Flakiest Man Alive" in this week's Psychiatry Today, just as rumors are circulating that Cruise and Holmes may be splitting up.
"Cruise exhibits classic symptoms of egocentrism and narcicism," the magazine wrote. "While he falls short of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual's definition of a psychiatric disorder, his behavior signals a deeply conflicted personality and an inability to commit. He's also got way to much damned time on his hands."
Runners up in the magazine's annual roundup of "Flakiest Personalities" include George Clooney, Rosie O'Donnell, Courtney Love, Madonna and Vice President Dick Cheney.
But the magazine said Cruise stood out because of his televised argument with "Today" show host Matt Lauer about anti-depressant drugs and his condemnation of actress Brooke Shields for taking them to treat post-partum depression. "His crude and, I daresay, uninformed remarks about psychiatry didn't help his case much," said Dr. Edwin Neumiller, editor of Psychiatry Today. "He is what we in the mental health community refer to as 'a moron.' "

Cheney To Hunt With Scooter Libby

2006-02-13T11:06:00.000-08:00

Vice President Dick Cheney is insisting his wounding of a hunting companion Saturday was an accident. But suspicions were raised this week when Cheney invited his former chief of staff, Lewis "Scooter Libby" to accompany him on a quail-shooting expedition next week.
Libby, who resigned after being indicted for allegedly lying to investigators last year reportedly has told prosecutors his old boss authorized him to leak information to reporters about the identity of a CIA operative -- information that has some Democrats calling for Cheney to resign and could lead to legal proceedings against the veep.
"Shooting this Whittington fellow could just have been an elaborate ruse to set up the alibi that Cheney's a lousy shot," said John J. Jones, a prominent conspiracy-theory blogger. "Then if Libby takes some buckshot to the brain and gets in a coma and can't tesify, people will just be all, like, "That Dick! He ought to give up hunting."
Jones also did not discount the theory that Cheney could be planning future hunting trips as a way of dealing with critics and other enemies. "That New York Times reporter that he called a "big time" "major league asshole," and the senator he told to go $%^& himself, they ought to stay clear of Cheney any time he has his hands on a shotgun," said Jones.
Other Developments
In other developments in the Cheney hunting story, the vice president in an interview to air Wednesday on the Fox News channel, reportedly vowed to have all proper permits in place next time he shoots a lawyer in the face.
He added that when he apologized to Whittington, "he was very Christian about it and turned the other cheek." A witness, however, later said Whittington turned the other cheek not to be gracious but to avoid having it, too, shot. Several others who have hunted with Cheney in the past said they will no longer do so, considering the cancellation a "face-saving measure."

Michelle Kwan's Groin Plans Comeback

2006-02-12T16:17:00.000-08:00

In an interview on ESPN Tuesday, Figure-skater Michelle Kwan's groin publicly apologized for causing her to drop out of the Winter Olympic Games in Turin, Italy, and vowed to recover in time for her to compete in future games.
The cable sports network won an unlikely exclusivewith Kwan's groin, which had not commented publicly on her decision to pull out of the competition, defering all comment to Kwan.
"I don't go looking for publicity," said the groin. "I figure me and the knees and the ankles and the back, we're all a part of the same team and it's better to let Michelle be the spokeswoman. There's no I in team, but there is one in groin. So after causing so much of a ruckus with my substandard performance, I wanted to let the world know that I'm sorry I let everyone down. And, that I'll have my a-game next time around. I don't want it written in the history books that Kwan's groin just didn't have what it takes."
The groin interview was especially important to ESPN since NBC Sports has exclusive rights to all Olympics coverage and footage. The interview was expected to be a major ratings draw, since it is the first in history with an athlete's body part. CBS, however, did get a brief comment from Janet Jackson's nipple shortly after its appearance in the 2004 Super Bowl.
In related news, Kwan became the darling of America this week for the quick and decisive process that led her to withdraw from contention in Turin.
President Bush also said he was impressed with Kwan's snappy judgment, but came short of saying he would consult with the skater on any foreign policy issues. "We got folks we pay a lot of money for that kind of stuff," said the President. "And they're doin' a heck of a job."

Bush Names Kanye West Secretary Of Black-People-Caring

2006-02-02T11:20:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON -- Trying to boost his dismal approval ratings, President George W. Bush tried to win over a major critic by asking hip-hop artist Kanye West to be his "secretary of black people caring."
The newly conceived position's duties are initially unclear, but Bush acknowleged he had picked West for the position because of his statement during a nationally broadcase telethon for Hurricane Katrina victims that "President Bush doesn't care about black people." A majority of those displaced, injured, killed or otherwise disregarded during the catastrophe, one of America's worst, were or are African American.
"We can do better," Bush said in an open address to West during a press conference. "And bringing Mr. West into the process is part of my overall philosophy of bringing my critics into the process. It's what I call the big tent."
When reminded that numerous residents of Louisiani and Mississippi were still living in actual tents, the president said "I know that. I know that."
No word on whether West will accept the position. A spokesman said he was busy preparing for a performance in Chicago and had no comment.
Later in the day, Bush asked Cindy Sheehan to be his Secretary of Not Ignoring The War Toll.

Robertson Says God Won't Let Him Apologize

2006-01-12T08:08:00.000-08:00

Evangelist and self-styled prophet Pat Robertson said today that he'd like to apologize for saying that God made Israeli prime minister Ariel Sharon suffer a stroke, but God won't let him.
"I brought it up with Him yesterday, but He was dead-set against it," Robertson said during his latest TV sermon. "And you don't ask The Lord twice."
From the White House to Jerusalem and around the world, Robertson was panned for his claim that Sharon's health problems were divine retribution for his ceding the Israeli-held Gaza Strip to the Palestinians.
"God hears what those people are saying," Robertson said. "But He knows who's right."
Robertson recommended that the critics pipe down. "There's more than one arrow in His bow, if you know what I mean," he said.
When asked why Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and North Korea's Kim Jong Il, both aspiring to be rogue nuclear powers, appeared to be in perfect health, Robertson said "I'll get back to you on that."

Alito's Wife Cries, Leaves Screening of "Brokeback Mountain"
Martha-Ann Bomgardner, the wife of Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito, stormed out of a screening of the gay-cowboy flick "Brokeback Mountain" Wednesday night, apparently overcome by emotion. But she soon regained her composure and went back inside, saying she couldn't stay away.
"I wish I knew how to quit this movie," sobbed Mrs. Bomgarder. "But it's just too good."
The incident occurred just hours after Mrs. Bomgardner stormed out of the Senate hearing chamber in which her husband was being questioned by members of the Judiciary Committee. Mrs. Bomgardner became emotional when her husband was facetiously asked by Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-South Carolina) if he was a closet bigot.
"I can assure you, he has nothing whatsoever against closets or any people who may live in them," she said.
After the movie Mrs. Bomgardner was reported to have broken into tears again when she visited Baskin-Robbins and was told they were out of cookies-and-cream.

Pitt-Jolie Love Child Offered Three-Picture Deal

2006-01-12T07:56:00.000-08:00

The unborn -- and recently confirmed -- love child of actors Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie is being flooded with offers for movie projects, including a three-picture, play-or-pay deal with Columbia Tristar Pictures."We don't know what this kid's name is, if it's a boy or girl, if it can act, or even if it exists," said a studio insider. "But who cares? Just look at the DNA pool it's coming from. It's almost genetically guaranteed to put asses in the seats."Pitt and Jolie, who have each been named sexiest man and woman alive by People magazine, are rumored to be expecting a child in six months, and have said nothing to confirm or deny the reports."That fetus needs and agent, quick!" said veteran Hollywood reporter Clyde Lockwood. "He or she or whatever the hell it is is gonna get more offers in utero than Christian Slater's had in his damn career."Offers could go as high as $25 million dollars, which would be a record deal for a fetus. "Then again," said Lockwood, "a nickel would be a record for a fetus."

Cruise-Holmes Pregnancy Drawing Thousands Of New Followers To Scientology

2005-10-06T07:58:00.000-07:00

Scientology churches across the country have been besieged by new members since the announcement by a leading advocate, Tom Cruise, that he and girlfriend Katie Holmes are expecting a child out of wedlock.
"Any religion where you can be a fully devout member and still get lots of premarital sex is OK by me," said Ron Goldberg of Duluth, Minn., as he signed up for classes at a local Scientology center.
"I'd be afraid to show my face at temple if I knocked up my girlfriend, forget about having a publicist spread the word."
Jack Cavanaugh of Chicago, who had been a practicing Catholic, said the announcement had caused him to see Scientology in a new light. "It all seemed pretty hokey to me," said Cavanaugh, a prospective convert. "But if you get to bang movie stars, and the only requirement seems to be denouncing psychiatry and blasting people who have post-partum depression, it's a hell of a lot better than giving stuff up for Lent and confessing all the time."

Snubbed Judges Give Roberts Cold Shoulder

2005-09-29T13:40:00.000-07:00

Making his first visit to the Supreme Court since his confirmation as chief justice, John Roberts got a cool reception from the other eight judges this week.
"If you need anything, just phone over to the 'NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE CHIEF JUSTICE' chambers," said Justice David Souter after meeting Roberts. "We'll be toiling along in our own humble way."
"Yeah," said Ruth Bader Ginsburg. "And feel free to come to my house for Passover. That's PASS-OVER. Get it?"
Later, Justice Antonin Scalia, who was believed by some to be a likely choice to succeed William Rehnquist as chief justice, took Roberts for a tour of the court building. Ten minutes later, security guards freed Roberts from a locked storeroom, and Scalia had left the premises.
Roberts then went to his chambers and found it ransacked, with the words "chief dorkwad" written on the wall in lipstick. Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, who has announced her retirement from the court, was later overheard telling Ginsburg "What are they gonna do, fire my ass?"
The only justice to show some warmth to the newbie was Clarence Thomas, who was overhead asking Roberts if he enjoyed Scandinavian films.

Top Writer On "Lost" Admits There Is No Plot

2005-09-29T12:44:00.000-07:00

A top writer on ABC's suspense-packed drama "Lost" has revealed that the show has absolutely no ongoing plot, and that the creators make up each episode of the island castaways show shortly before shooting.
"We all get really toasted and say things like 'wouldn't it be great if Jack climbs down a hatch and finds some paranoid Australian guy playing old Mama Cass songs,' and then the next thing you know it's in the script," said the writer, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "Once in a while someone, usually a network executive, asks how all this affects the storyline, and we're all, like, 'don't worry, you'll see. It'll all come together.' Yeah, right."
The writer said the top-rated second season premiere last week was written on the back of some burrito wrappers and photo-copied while the cast and crew waited to begin shooting on the set in Maui. "Some of the cast members wanted revisions, and we said just go ahead and do what you want," said the writer. "They each have their own ideas about what Claire's baby and Walt and the French Woman and The Others and the Guy In The Hatch all have in common. We may have to rely on them eventually to tie it all together because we have no freaking clue. Last week we even watched some Gilligan's Island reruns for inspiration."
The writer added that the show's creator and executive producer, JJ Abrams, rarely shows up at the set. "He e-mailed me the other day and said the network really wanted to look at some of some advance scripts, so at some point we may have to actually write an episode or two ahead, but that probably won't be for a season or too. As long as the ratings are up, it really won't matter."

Clinton World Conference Foiled By Sister Souljah

2005-09-24T16:56:00.000-07:00

The launching conference of the Bill Clinton World Initiative in New York came to an abrupt halt this week when the former president's old nemesis, Sister Souljah, showed up to repay a debt.
"Don't think I forgot about how you dissed me all those years ago, Bill Clinton," shouted the former rap singer, whose career was damaged in the early 90s when Clinton, then a candidate, denounced her in a speech for using violent lyrics.
Sister Souljah, who had been seated quietly in the back of a session on alternative fuel resources, suddenly began heckling Clinton and several other world leaders, then proceeded to perform a new version of an old song in which the name Clinton was substituted for the word "police."
When it was over, the former president, clearly perturbed, tried to be polite as he told the singer "that was a long time ago, and you really should move on and try to be a happy person."
That seemed to infuriate Sister Souljah even more. "OH, no you DIDN'T just give me lifestyle advice Bill Clinton!" she shouted, waving a finger in disbelief. "It's ON now!" She then launched into a previously unheard invective-filled rap song until security guards moved in and escorted her from the room.
The conference then proceeded uninterrupted for half an hour before Paula Jones, Gennifer Flowers and Monica Lewinsky snuck in, causing a similar disruption, and Clinton was taken from the scene by Secret Service agents.

Stories We're Following: Dali Lama Jumps On Oprah's Couch, Shouting "I'm In Love With Humanity."