Monday, December 07, 2009

News Item: God Fires All Spokesmen

The Lord dismissed all of his mortal spokespeople today, saying he was tired of being misquoted and misrepresented.

"Thou Art Fired," God wrote in a short memo, delivered throughout the world by angels. God initially had no further comment, but as word of the memo spread, he held an impromptu press conference outside the Pearly Gates, just across from the Garden of Eden, and explained that he had never hired any of the people speaking for him on Earth, nor had he consented to let them work for him pro bono. "I needeth their services not ," said the Lord.

When asked why He had come forward to disavow the spokespeople, God cited a litany of recent statements from religious leaders in which his name was invoked in justifying wars, acts of hate or even natural disasters.

Asked if he would be seeking new representation among mortals, God simply said: "I'll stand by my writings."

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