Twitter Sees 17.5% Rise In Hypothetical Profits
Twitter, the immensely popular social media application that generates no income, would see a 17.5 percent spike in profits in the next quarter if the company actually had a business plan, officials speculated this week.
"Let's say, for argument's sake, we maybe sold some ads, or offered premium membership, or licensed interactions with other applications," said Twitter CFO Rob Hadley at a press conference Thursday. "Based on the current rate of growth, we'd be seeing a substantial uptick in business, and maybe certain executives that haven't been paid since the venture capital funds dried up can get their houses our of foreclosure."
An often surly Hadley added, "while we were thinking of wonderful and whimsical ways for people to communicate, we kind of forgot about the minor detail that money makes the world go 'round. A message that hasn't been lost on the folks over at Facebook."
In his remarks, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey insisted the company's breakthrough in and redefinition of the emerging social media should not be diminished by the fact that it hasn't earned a dime in four years.
"Too often we define success by basic things, like being able to make payroll or pay the lease on your building, or providing returns to stakeholders," said Dorsey. "We've put the term Tweeting into the lexicon. We've got some lovely backgrounds available for people's pages. When folks go to concerts and ballgames they tweet the playlist or the halftime score. They're tweeting the latest stimulus package jokes. That's all got to count for something, too."
The press conference came to an abrupt end when reporters were unable to present their questions in 140 characters or less.