Gun Pried From Heston’s Cold, Dead Hands
In keeping with his pledge at an NRA convention to give up his gun when it was pried “out of my cold, dead hands,” actor and pro-gun activist clutched a Winchester rifle until his death on Saturday, after which time it was forcibly taken from his stiff, lifeless hands by a nurse before rigormortis set in.
The final words by Heston, who starred in two “Planet Of The Apes” films in the 1970s, were “take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty nurse.”
Expected to attend his funeral this week were Dr. Zaius, Zira and Cornelius as well as Pharoah, Bathsheba and Joshua. Unconfirmed reports sad God would make an appearance, although the two have been at odds over his position on guns. Just in case, a bush was prepared at the site for possible burning.
The Ben-Hur star’s remains were taken to a funeral home via chariot, then put on a 747 that nearly crashed, but landed safely at a factory where they will be converted to soylent green.