Sunday, February 12, 2006

Michelle Kwan's Groin Plans Comeback

In an interview on ESPN Tuesday, Figure-skater Michelle Kwan's groin publicly apologized for causing her to drop out of the Winter Olympic Games in Turin, Italy, and vowed to recover in time for her to compete in future games.
The cable sports network won an unlikely exclusivewith Kwan's groin, which had not commented publicly on her decision to pull out of the competition, defering all comment to Kwan.
"I don't go looking for publicity," said the groin. "I figure me and the knees and the ankles and the back, we're all a part of the same team and it's better to let Michelle be the spokeswoman. There's no I in team, but there is one in groin. So after causing so much of a ruckus with my substandard performance, I wanted to let the world know that I'm sorry I let everyone down. And, that I'll have my a-game next time around. I don't want it written in the history books that Kwan's groin just didn't have what it takes."
The groin interview was especially important to ESPN since NBC Sports has exclusive rights to all Olympics coverage and footage. The interview was expected to be a major ratings draw, since it is the first in history with an athlete's body part. CBS, however, did get a brief comment from Janet Jackson's nipple shortly after its appearance in the 2004 Super Bowl.
In related news, Kwan became the darling of America this week for the quick and decisive process that led her to withdraw from contention in Turin.
President Bush also said he was impressed with Kwan's snappy judgment, but came short of saying he would consult with the skater on any foreign policy issues. "We got folks we pay a lot of money for that kind of stuff," said the President. "And they're doin' a heck of a job."

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